Humor and jokes - WAITER

Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup! Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!
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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
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Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
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Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs? Certainly, Sir! Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
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Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard.
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Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir
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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.
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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
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Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
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Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.
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Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup! Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading
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Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup! Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
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Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup! What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
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Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? It's fly soup sir!
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Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup. Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.
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Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream. I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?
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Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?
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Waiter, I can't seem to find any oysters in this oyster soup. Would you expect to find angels in angel cake?
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Waiter, your tie is in my soup! That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
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And how did you find your steak sir? Well, quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it was
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Waiter: These are the best eggs we've had for years. Diner: Well, bring me some you haven't had around for that long.
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How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? None, a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
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Waiter, waiter! There's a dead spider in my soup. Yes, ma'am, they can't stand the boiling water.
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Waiter, waiter! There's a spider in my soup. Send for the manager! It's no good, sir, he's frightened of them, too.
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Waiter, waiter! What's this creepy crawly thing doing in my dinner? Oh, that one ? he comes here every night.
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Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies? Have you ever heard anyone complaining of a elephant in their soup? .
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What will a monster eat in a restaurant? The waiter.
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Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny. Waiter: So laugh, sir.
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Waiter, waiter! There's a mosquito in my soup. Don't worry sir, mosquitoes have very small appetites !
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I say waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Well throw him a doughnut - they make fantastic life belts!
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Waiter, waiter, this lobster's only got one claw. It must have been in a fight, sir. Then bring me the winner.
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"Waiter, waiter,there's a hand in my soup." "That's not your soup, sir, that's your finger bowl."
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Waiter, waiter! There's a wasp in my dessert. So that's where they go to in the winter.
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Customer: Do you have bacon and eggs on the menu: Waiter: No, we clean our menus regularly.
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Customer: How come the Board of Health hasn't come in and closed you up? Waiter: They're afraid to eat here.
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Customer: How long must I wait for that turtle soup I ordered? Waiter: Well, you know how slow turtles are.
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Customer: I didn't order this. Waiter: I know, but your meal tastes worse.
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Customer: I thought the meals here were supposed to be like mother used to make. Waiter: They are. She couldn't cook either.
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Customer: That crust on the apple pie was too tough. Waiter: That wasn't the crust, that was the pie plate.
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Customer: There's something wrong with my hot dogs. Waiter: Sorry, I'm a waiter, not a veterinarian.
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Customer: This fish isn't as good as what I ordered here last month. Waiter: That's funny. It's from the same fish.
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Customer: Waiter, I can't eat this meal. Waiter: Why not? It looks all right to me. Customer: I don't have a fork.
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Customer: Waiter, I found a hair in my turtle soup. Waiter: How about that! The turtle and the hare finally got together.
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Customer: Waiter, look at this chicken! It's nothing but skin and bones. Waiter: Would you like the feathers, too?
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Customer: Waiter, there's a button in my salad. Waiter: It must have come off while the salad was dressing.
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Customer: Waiter, this food is repeating on me. Waiter: Good, we love repeat business.
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Customer: What is this fly doing in my alphabet soup? Waiter: Probably learning to read.
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Customer: Why does your sign say "Fine Dining"? Waiter: We can dream, can't we?
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Customer: Why doesn't this restaurant have any specials? Waiter: Because nothing about this food is special.
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Customer: Why doesn't your menu list prices? Waiter: We didn't want to make you sick before the food does.
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Customer: Why don't you eat here, waiter? Waiter: Serving it is bad enough, I don't want to compound the felony.
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Customer: Why don't you have doggie bags? Waiter: That would be cruelty to animals.
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Customer: Why is this sandwich half eaten? Waiter: I didn't have time to finish it.
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Diner: Could I have a glass of water? Waiter: To drink? Diner: No, I want to rinse out a few things.
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Diner: May I please have a glass of water? Waiter: Why, are you thirsty? Diner: No, I want to see if my neck leaks.
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Diner: Waiter, please close the window. Waiter: Why, is there a draft? Diner: Yes, it's blown my steak off the plate three times.
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Diner: Waitress, the portions are getting smaller. Waiter: It's just an optical illusion. It's just that the restaurant has been enlarged.
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Diner: What's wrong with these eggs I ordered? Waiter: Don't ask me. I only laid the table.
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Diner: Why are the waiters in here so nasty? Waiter: Look at who they have to serve.
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Patron: Didn't you tell me the chef here cooked for the late heads of Europe? Waiter: Yes, and that's why they are the late heads of Europe.
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Patron: Hey, there's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Why are you complaining? Isn't it cooked?
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Patron: How come this fly is swimming in my soup? Waiter: I gave you too much. It should be wading.
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Patron: This bread is stale. Waiter: It wasn't last week.
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Patron: Waiter, why is there a spider in my glass? Waiter: It scares away the flies.
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Waiter (serving soup): It looks like rain today. Patron: Yes it does, but it smells like soup.
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Waiter: If you know the food here is so lousy, why do you keep coming back? Customer: It reminds me of my ex-wife's cooking.
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Waiter: I'm sorry I spilled a glass of water on you. Diner: That's all right. My suit is too large anyway.
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Waiter: I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Your soup will be ready soon. Customer: What bait are you using?
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Waiter: Why are you taking so long to order? Diner: I can't decide whether I want heartburn or nausea.
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Waiter: Why didn't you make all the food on that long order? Cook: Because I'm a short order cook.
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Q: How many Waiters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiters eye
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"Waiter ! Have you got frogs' legs ? " "No, sir, I always walk this way"
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Waiter, Waiter there's a fly in my ice-cream ! Gee I did not know that they had started winter sports so early in the year !
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Waiter, is there soup on the menu ? No, madam I wiped it off !
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Waiter, there's a fly in my custard ! I'll fetch him a spoon sir !
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Waiter, there is a cockroach on my steak ! They don't seem to care what they eat do they sir !
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Waiter, there is a maggot in my soup ! Don't worry sir, he won't last long in there !
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Waiter, there is a spider drowning in my soup ! It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir !
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Waiter, there is a worm on my plate ! That's not a worm sir, it's your sausage ?
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Waiter, there is a fly in my wine ! Well you did ask for something with a little body in it!
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Waiter, there is a fly in my soup ! Yes sir, thats the manager, the last customer was a witch doctor !
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Waiter, my lunch is talking to me ! Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich !
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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup ! Yes, it's the rotting meat that attracts them !
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Waiter, are there snails on the menu ! Yes sir, they must have escaped from the kitchen !
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Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup ! Don't worry sir, they don't eat much !
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Waiter, there is a bee in my alphabet soup ! Yes sir, and I'm sure there is an A, C and all the other letters too !
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Waiter, there is a fly in my soup ! Hold on sir, I'll get the fly spray !
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Waiter, I can't eat this meat, it's crawling with maggots ! Quick, run to the other end of the table and grab it as it goes by !
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Waiter, what is this cockroach doing on my ice cream sundae ? Skiing sir !
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Waiter, there is a fly in my bean soup ! Don't worry sir I'll fish him out and exchange it for a bean !
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Waiter, what is this creepy-crawly doing in my salad? Not him again, he's in here every night !
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Waiter, what's this bug doing waltzing around my table ! It's the band, sir, they are playing his tune !
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Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup ! No its not, it's a piece of dirt that looks like one !
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Waiter, there is a frog in my soup ! Don't worry sir there isn't enough there to drown him !
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Waiter, can you get rid of this fly in my starter ! I can't do that sir, he's not had his main course yet !
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Sir you haven't touched your custard. I'm just waiting for the fly to stop using it as a trampoline !
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"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "How dare you serve me this! There's a damn TWIG in my soup!" "My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."
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CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig cooler? WAITER: Sure, spray him with a hose.
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CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig shake? WAITER: Tell him the wolf is coming.
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CUSTOMER: How do you make a pig float? WAITER: Just give him an inner tube.
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Waiter! Waiter! This salad is frozen solid. Yes, sir. It's the iceberg lettuce that does it.
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Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt! Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.
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