Humor and jokes - TIME

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
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A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?" "Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" "8:25!" The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another o ne disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. "Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."
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How can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb? You can hear their brooms tick!
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What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend? Long time no sea.
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What time is it when you sit on a pin? Spring time.
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That boy is so dirty, the only time he washes his ears is when he eats watermelon.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your car? Time to get a new car.
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If twenty dogs run after one cat, what time is it? Twenty after one.
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Customer: I'd like a watch that tells time. Clerk: Don't you have a watch that tells time? Customer: No, you have to look at it.
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For a weddin' present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him, "W'atcha do with the money, son?" "Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!" answered the boy. "Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew should 'av bought yoreself a rifle!" "A rifle? What fer?" "Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid yore wife," explained the older redneck. "W'atcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"
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What are your two favourite times to party? Daytime and night-time!
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'I hope you're not one of those boys who sits and watches the school clock,' said the principal to a new boy. 'No, Sir. I've got a digital watch that bleeps at three-fifteen.'
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The proud owner of an impressive new clock was showing it off to a friend. 'This clock,' he said, 'will go for 14 days without winding.' 'Really?' replied his friend, 'And how long will it go if you do wind it ?'
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Why did your sister shoot the alarm clock ? Because she felt like killing time.
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Why did the girl sit on her watch? She wanted to be on time.
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Julie: What time is it? Counsellor: Three o'clock. Julie: Oh,no! Counsellor: What's the matter? Julie: I've been asking the time all day. And everybody gives me a different answer!
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What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands? A pocket watch.
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Why did the kid put his clock in the oven. He wanted to have a hot time.
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What time is it when a clock strikes thirteen? Time to get it fixed.
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Why did the man put a clock under his desk? He wanted to work overtime.
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One day a man met three beggars. To the first he gave a dime, to the second a dime, and to the third a nickel. What time was it? A quarter to three.
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Why is the time in the USA behind that of England ? Because England was discovered before the USA !
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Do you know the time ? No, we haven't met yet !
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1st Roman Soldier: What is the time ? 2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII !
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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch," the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM!"
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A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
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What dog can tell the time ? A watch dog !
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What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street? Five after one.
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What time is it when your watchdog lets a robber take the family silver? Time to get a new watchdog.
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When is the best time to go shopping? When the stores are open.
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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.
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Why couldn't the clock be kept in jail? Because time was always running out.
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Why do people beat their clocks? To kill time.
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If your watch is broken, why can't you go fishing? Because you don't have the time.
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When do clocks die? When their time is up.
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