Humor and jokes - SPELLING

"Please, ma'am! How do you spell ichael?" The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael?" she asked. "No, ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."
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School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.
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How do you spell wrong? R?o?n?g. That's wrong. That's what you asked for, isn't it?
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First witch: Here's a banana if you can spell it. Second witch: I can spell banana. I just don't know when to stop.
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The young lad had applied for a job, and was asked his full name. "Aloysius Montmorency Geoghan," he replied. "How do you spell that?" asked the manager. "Er ? sir ? er ? can't you just put it down without spelling it?"
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Daughter: I will never learn to spell. Mother: Why? Daughter: The teacher keeps changing the words.
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"I gotta 'A' in spelling," Tony told his father. "You dope!" he replied. "There isn't any 'A' in 'spelling'!"
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Early Texas governors were not very well educated. There was once a chief executive who thought "grammar" was his father's mother. On one occasion this governor went hunting and forgot his gun. He phoned his secretary and asked him to send the gun. "The phone connection's bad," said the secretary. "I couldn't catch that last word. Spell it." The governor replied, " 'G' like in Jesus; 'U' like in onion; 'N' like in pneumonia GUN, you damn fool!"
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A Hoosier, a Kentuckian and a West Virginian were on a Hollywood TV quiz show. The host asked them to complete the sentence: "Old MacDonald had a ..." The Indianan said, "Old MacDonald had a carburetor." "Sorry," said the MC. "That's incorrect." "Old MacDonald had a flat tire," said the Kentuckian. "Wrong," said the host. "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the West Virginian. "That's correct!" shouted the MC. "Now for $200,000, spell farm." The West Virginian thought hard and then spelled carefully: "E-I-E-I-O."
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Interviewer: How do you spell Mississippi? Redneck: Which one? The river or the state?
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"Mah son's real smart!" crowed the redneck mother to an acquaintance. "He's only six but he can already spell his name backwards and forwards!" "What's his name?" asked the friend. "Bob."
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
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A group of Texas A&M Aggies and a group of Harvard students had been deadlocked in a spelling bee for an entire week. At the end of the contest the score was tied and the judges had a dilemma. They told the contestants that each group was to quickly come up with a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.' Well the Aggiess started laughing the minute the word was uttered but Harvard just smiled and prepared their short rhyme. One Harvard student stood up and for his group recited 'Through the desert all night we ride on camels walking two by two, Destination Timbuktu.' Well the crowd politely applauded - they knew the Aggies couldnt beat that and the Aggies just continued laughing throughout the whole process. One Aggie stopped giggling long enough to stand and read the team's effort. He said, 'Tim and I, a hunting went, we came upon three women in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I buk one and Timbuktu!'
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Luke had it first, Paul had it lost; boys never had it; girls have it but once; Miss Polly had it twice in the same place, but when she married Peter Jones she never had it again. What is it? The letter L.
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Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me. Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.
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Spell "pound" in two letters. Lb.
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What ten letter word starts with g-a-s? Automobile.
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Can you spell eighty in two letters? A-T.
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What insect can be spelled with just one letter? Bee.
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What question must always be answered, "Yes"? "What does Y-E-S spell?"
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Can you spell a composition with two letters? SA (essay).
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Can you spell a pretty girl with two letters? QT (cutey).
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Can you spell soft and slow with two letters? EZ.
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Can you spell very happy with three letters? XTC (ecstasy).
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How can you spell chilly with two letters? IC (icy) .
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How do you spell "we" with two letters without using the letters W and E? U and I.
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Spell electricity with three letters. NRG (energy).
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Spell Indian tent with two letters. TP.
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How can you spell too much with two letters? XS (excess).
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Spell extra wise in two letters. YY (2 y's)
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Can you spell jealousy with two letters? NV (envy).
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How do you spell a hated opponent with three letters? NME (enemy).
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Spell mousetrap with three letters. C-A-T
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How do you spell elephant ? E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t "That's not how the dictionary spells it" "You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it !"
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Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"
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Teacher: R-O-X does spell rocks? Pupil: What does it spell then !
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THE teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation. Mary went first. "My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie." Next came Tommy. "My dad is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r, and if he were here, he'd give each of us a quarter." Third came Jimmy. "My dad is an electrician.'' But after struggling through a number of attempts to spell the word, the teacher asked him to sit and think about it for a moment while she called on someone else. She then turned to Johnny. "My dad's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e," Johnny said. "And if he were here, he'd lay you 8 to 5 that Jimmy ain't never gonnaspell electrician."
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Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
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