Humor and jokes - SCHOOL

Teacher: What's 2 and 2? Pupil: 4 Teacher: That's good. Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!
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Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is? Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
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Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour? Pupil: Because it can't sit down!
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Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school
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Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4? Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
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When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom? Because there are no pupils to see!
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Why did the teacher put the lights on? Because the class was so dim!
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Teacher: How much is half of 8? Pupil: Up and down or across? Teacher: What do you mean? Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!
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Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine. So what's so great about that? It's snowing outside!
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Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had
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An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had
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Where did all the cuts and blood come from? The school went on a trip!
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What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria? The food!
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What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!
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The food in our school canteen is perfect. If your a bug!
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What's black and white all over and difficult? An exam paper!
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Why aren't you doing very well in history? Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
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What was King Arthur's favourite game? Knights and crosses!
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Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt? Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!
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Father: How do you like going to school? Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!
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Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4? Class: At once!
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Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America? On their feet!
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Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
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Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated? Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile! Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Lapland! Pupil: A reindeer Teacher: Good, now name another. Class: Another reindeer!
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Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it? Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me?
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Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing? Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!
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Teacher: What are the Great Plains? Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!
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Son: I can't go to school today. Father: Why not? Son: I don't feel well Teacher: Where don't you feel well? Son: In school!
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Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith then. Pupil: My dad won't like that. Teacher: Why is that? Pupil: He doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name!
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I failed every subject except for algebra. How did you keep from failing that? I didn't take algebra!
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Teacher: Are you good at math? Pupil: Yes and no Teacher: What do you mean? Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math!
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Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river? Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!
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Teacher: You're new here aren't you, what's your name? Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith
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Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today. School Secretary: Who is this? Pupil: This is my father speaking!
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Father: I hear you skipped school to play football Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!
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A history joke Teacher: When was Rome built? Pupil: At night. Teacher: Why did you say that? Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a day!
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Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!
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Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class? Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!
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Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day? Pupil: The school bus!
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Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth! Pupil: What?, and get bitten!
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Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you? Pupil: Not very much!
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An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in the washing machine
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An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
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An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: My little sister ate it!
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Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why were you late? Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept. Teacher: It's three in the afternoon!
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An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked
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An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away
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Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year? Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!
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An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and we had to burn it to stop ourselves from freezing
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Mother: What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write? Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
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Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that? Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday!
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Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you? Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!
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Why was the headmaster worried? Because there were too many rulers in school!
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Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because his class was so bright!
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Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher? He couldn't control his pupils!
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Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to? Pupil: Nobody I know!
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What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? A dead school bus!
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Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper. Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!
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Teacher: You copies from Fred's exam paper didn't you? Pupil: How did you know? Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"!
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Teacher, I can't solve this problem. Any five year old should be able to solve this one. No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten!
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Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!
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Little Monster: I hate my teacher. Mother Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!
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Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please? Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!
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Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age? Pupil: The sausage!
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Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
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Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow? Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
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My teacher reminds me of history She's always repeating herself!
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Teacher: Did your parents help you with these homework problems? Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself!
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Father: What did the teacher think of your idea? Son: She took it like a lamb Teacher: Really?, what did she say? Son: Baa!
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What do history teachers make when they want to get together? Dates!
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Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea? Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!
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Father: How were the exam questions? Son: Easy Father: Then why look so unhappy? Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!
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What are you going to be when you get out of school? An old man!
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What did you learn in school today? Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
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Mother: How was your first day at school? Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!
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I'm not going back to school ever again Why ever not? The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!
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Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"
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What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to? She draws a smack!
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Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test! Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
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Father: You were absent on the day of the test? Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
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"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"
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An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the combination!
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Why do teachers use a bamboo cane? Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!
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Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"
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A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil. "And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked. "I don't know," the student said. "Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor. "That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
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One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information" "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.
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A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid. So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?" "Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him." "That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???" "Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
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Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends. They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin. They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?
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A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens. "Anything??" "Absolutely anything." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
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Man: "How's your history paper coming?" Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful. Man: "Really?" Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"
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A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+. Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?" The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
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The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams."
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"Dad, can you write in the dark?" "I think so. What is it you want me to write?" "Your name on this report card."
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A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework."
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A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" "Somebody else's pants."
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Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?" Sam: "I don't know." Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark." Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"
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The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?" "None," answered little Norman. "None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic." "Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
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The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!" The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"
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Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class. Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
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"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
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"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl. "Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl. "No." "I'm the principal's daughter." "And do you know who I am?" asked the boy. "No," she replied. "Thank goodness!"
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Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph? Joseph: Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
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A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."
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What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? A senior high school math problem.
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How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
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How many students does it take to change a light bulb? None. Light bulb changing isn't in the course notes.
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Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head." His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore it under his shirt and it was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class become more and more unmanageable. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
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Did you hear what happened when there was an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school nurse sent everyone to the croakroom.
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Teacher: Why do you want to work in a bank, Alan? Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it, sir.
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Teacher: Didn't you know the bell had gone? Fred: I didn't take it, Miss.
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What's the longest piece of furniture in the school? The multiplication table.
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Teacher: What happened to your homework? Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijacked it.
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School Principal: I've called you into my office, Peter, because I want to talk to you about two words I wish you wouldn't use so often. One is "great" and the other is "lousy." Peter: Certainly, sir. What are they?
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'I'm not going to school today,' Alexander said to his mother. 'The teachers bully me and the boys in my class don't like me.' 'Why ?' 'Firstly, you're 35 years old. Secondly, you're the principal.'
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Boy to Friend: I'm sorry, I won't be able to go out after school. I promised Dad that I would stay in and help him with my homework.
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'Ann!' the teacher shouted one day at the girl who had been daydreaming out the window. 'If India has the world's second largest population, oranges are 50 cents for six and it costs $3 for a day return to Austin, how old am I ? 'Thirty two!' 'Why did you say that ?' 'Well, my brother's sixteen and he's half mad !'
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Mother: Did you enjoy the school outing, dear ? Jane: Yes, and we're going again tomorrow. Mother: Really ? Why's that ? Jane: To try and find the kids we left behind.
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Why were you late ? Sorry, teacher, I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !
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Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ? Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ?
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Our teacher talks to herself does yours ? Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actually listening !
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Teacher: Why didn't you answer me ? Pupil: I did, I shook my head Teacher: You don't expect me to hear it rattling from here do you !
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Teacher: I'd like to go through one whole day without having to tell you off. Pupil: You have my permission !
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The brain is a wonder ful thing Why do you say that ? Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class !
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Be sure that you go straight home after school I can't, I live just round the corner !
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Playing truant from school is like a credit card Fun now, pay later !
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Laugh and the class laughs with you. But you get detention alone !
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Teacher: Where is the English Channel ? Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up
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Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour ? Pupil: Because it can't sit down !
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Teacher: Give me three reasons why the world is round Pupil: Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so !
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Teacher: Are you good at math ? Pupil: Yes and no Teacher: What do you mean ? Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math !
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Teacher: What's 2 and 2 Pupil: 4 Teacher: That's good Pupil: Good ?, that's perfect !
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Teacher: How much is half of 8 Pupil: Up and down or across ? Teacher: What do you mean ? Pupil: Well,up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0
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The teacher was reviewing counting with her first-grade class. "Jackie," she asked, "can you count to 10 without mistakes?" "Yes," said Jackie, and she did. "Now, Fred," said the teacher, "can you count from 10 to 20?" "That depends," said Fred, "with or without mistakes"!
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Teacher: Can you count to 10? Fred: Yes, teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Teacher: Now go on from there. Fred: Jack, Queen, King.
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Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be? Fred: None! Fred (surprised): Why not? Fred: Because you can't lay eggs!
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TEACHER: Jackie, take 932 from 1,439. What is the difference? Stella: That's what I say, what's the difference`?
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Fred: I've added these figures ten times. Teacher: Good work! Fred: And here are my ten answers !
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Teacher: If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have? Jackie: Nine. Teacher: That's not right, you'd have eight. Jackie: No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!
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"Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her it was four. But she still doesn't know. Today she asked us again!"
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How are you doing in arithmetic ? I've learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giving me trouble.
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Fred: I got 100 in school today. Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in? Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History. Mother: Well, at least you can add !
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If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? One dollar. You don't know your arithmetic. You don't know my father !
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Jackie stood quietly as her father examined her report card. "What is this 45 in math?" asked her father. "I think that's the size of the class," she said quickly!
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If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left ? I don't know. Why not ? In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.
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The teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on counting. Jackie got things started by counting from 1 to 10. "Now, Fred," said the teacher, "you take over, beginning with 11." "11, 14, 23, 42, 26," said Fred. "What kind of counting is that'?" asked the teacher "Who's counting'?" replied Fred. "I'm calling signals."
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Teacher : Tommy, put some more water in the fish tank ! Pupil : Why, Miss, I only put some in yesterday and he hasn't drunk that yet !
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Teacher : Were you copying his sums ? Pupil : No Sir, just seeing if he got mine right !
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Teacher : What are you reading ? Pupil : I dunno ! Teacher : But you're reading aloud ! Pupil : But I'm not listening !
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Teacher : What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air ? Pupil : It's stolen !
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Teacher : Make up a sentence using the word lettuce ! Pupil : Let us out of school early !
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Teacher : Billy, please don't whistle while studying. Billy : Oh, but I'm not studying - just whistling !
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Teacher : Give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat and detail in it. Pupil : When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go before detail !
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Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took three what would you have ? Pupil : A fight !
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Teacher : What is a comet ? Pupil : A star with a tail Teacher: Can you name one ? Pupil: Lassie !
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Teacher : The word politics - can you give me an example of how to use it ? Pupil : My parrot swallowed a watch and now Polly ticks !
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Teacher : What is the most common phrase used in school ? Pupil : I don't know Teacher: Correct !
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Teacher : Why are you the only child in the classroom today ? Pupil : Because I was the only one who didn't have school dinners yesterday !
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Father: Well Son, how are your exam results ? Son: They're under water Father: What do you mean ? Son: Below "C" level !
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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil : How long for the answer sir !
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Teacher : What are you doing, crawling into school ten minutes late ? Pupil : Well you told me never to walk into school ten minutes late !
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Where do children learn their ABC's ? At LMN-tary school !
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Teacher : Tommy you try my patience ! Tommy: No, teacher you had better try mine. There's more of it !
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Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well, yes, he borrowed my pen !
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Teacher : Would you at the back of the room stop passing notes. Pupil : We're not passing notes. We're playing cards !
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Are you in the top half of your class ? No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible !
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Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon ? Pupil: The horse will draw it !
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Teacher: Why are you picking your nose in class ? Pupil: My mother won't let me do it at home !
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Teacher : Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first ? Pupil: I want to know how it ends !
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Teacher: If you have five haystacks in one corner, five in another and two in another, how many would you have ? Pupil: One big haystack !
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Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting our waters ? Pupil: Stop taking baths ?
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Teacher : Can't you retain anything in your head overnight ? Pupil : Of course, I've had this cold in my head for two days !
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What do French pupils say after finishing their school dinners ? Mercy !
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Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class ? Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips !
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How do bees get to school ? By school buzz !
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Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day ? Pupil: I get up early !
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Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning ? About an hour and a half after I arrived at school
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Mother: How do you like your new teacher ? Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one !
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Mother: Does your teacher like you ? Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper !
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Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year ? Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!
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Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that? Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday !
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Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions ? Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here !
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Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ? Pupil: Hot water !
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Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ? Pupil: All of them !
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Teacher: What is can't short for ? Pupil: Cannot miss Teacher: and what is don't short for Pupil: Doughnut !
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Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia ? Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !
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Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of Pupil: Life imprisonment !
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Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on the map please ? Pupil: There it is Teacher: Now, Louise, who discovered Australia ? Pupil: Fred did !
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Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language ? Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters
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Teacher: I wished you would pay a little attention Pupil: I'm paying as little as I can !
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Teacher: In what part of the world are the people most ignorant ? Pupil: Hong Kong Teacher: Why do you say that ? Pupil: That's where the atlas says the population is most dense !
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Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read Shakespeare ? Pupil: No Teacher: What have you read then ? Pupil: Umm, I've got red hair !
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Teacher: In music, if "f" means "forte", what does "ff" mean ? Pupil: Eighty
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Teacher: Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago ? Pupil: Me !
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Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection ? Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!
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Teacher: Name two pronouns ? Pupil: Who ?, me ?
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Teacher: Fred, I'm glad to see your writing has improved. Pupil: Thank you Teacher: Now I can see how bad your spelling is though !
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Pupil: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making ? Dad: Why is that, what are you making ? Pupil: Mistakes !
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Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question? Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
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Principal: Do you do your homework? Kid: Now & Then Principal: Where do you do it? Kid: Here & There Principal: Put him in the closet!!! Kid: Hey, When will I get out? Principal: Oh, sooner or later
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Science teacher: What happened when electricity was first discovered? Fred: Someone got a nasty shock.
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Caspar: I was the teacher's pet last year. Jaspar: Why was that? Caspar: She couldn't afford a dog.
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Teacher: What is the formula for water ? George: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O Teacher: Is that the formula I gave you ? George: Sure, you said H to O !
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TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
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Q: What did one math book say to the other? A: Man I got a lot of problems!
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Q. Why did the jellybean go to school? A. Because he wanted to be a smarty
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