Humor and jokes - RESTAURANT

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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Three couples are dining together. The American husband says to his wife: "Pass me the honey, Honey". The English husband says to his wife: "Pass me the sugar, Sugar". The [you name it] husband says to his wife: "Pass me the steak, Dumb cow".
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Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"
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"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer. "Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper. Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?" "No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
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How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? "Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up."
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How many McDonald's counter girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
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A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait. "Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says. The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist." The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "
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Why was the restaurant called "Out of this World"? Because it was full of Unidentified Frying Objects.
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Jane's father decided to take all the family out to a restaurant for a meal. As he'd spent quite a lot of money for the meal he said to the waiter, "Could I have a bag to take the leftovers home for the dog?" "Gosh!" exclaimed Jane, "Are we getting a dog?"
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Customer to friend: This is a wonderful restaurant. I ordered salad and I got the freshest salad in the world, I ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the world. Friend: I know - I ordered a small steak and got a calf.
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At our local restaurant you can eat dirt cheap - but who wants to eat dirt?
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"Can I have some two-handed cheese, please?" a man in a restaurant asked the waiter. "What do you mean, 'two-handed cheese'?' asked the waiter. "You know, the kind you eat with one hand and hold your nose with the other."
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Patron 1: I eat at a different restaurant every day. Patron 2: I don't tip, either.
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Eulus stood in front of the take-out window of a Rawl-ins fast food restaurant. "I want two hamburgers," he said. "One with onions, and one without." The counter man: "Okay. Which one's without the onions?"
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I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger ? No, but in the restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken !
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Girl: How much is a soft drink ? Waitress: Fifty cents. Girl: How much is refill ? Waitress: The first is free. Girl: Well then, I'll have a refill.
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What does a Chinese restaurant serve for Easter? Coloured eggrolls!
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Hello? Fred's Restaurant. Hello! I'd like to know, do you serve crabs? We serve anyone, sir! Come on in!
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Once a man went to a resturant and ordered an egg. When it was brought he didn't liked it so he informed the waiter that the egg was bad. Came the reply: "I don't lay egg sir I just lay table !"
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At which fast food restaurant is a hamburger happiest? Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips!
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Waiter, what is this bug doing on my wives shoulder! I don't know - friendly thing isn't he !
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Two little boys were visiting their grandfather and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water." One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"
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A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here." "You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried and now irritated waiter, "I can only serve one table at a time."
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"What's the matter with your dinner ?" "Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I've eaten !"
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Is your food spicy Sir ? No, smoke always comes out of my ears !
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Young woman sat down in small restaurant, a waitress came over to take her order. "I'll have a hamburger please." "Burger!" she yelled over her shoulder. Then woman added. "Make that well done." Waitres turned away again. "Torture it!" she yelled.
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The headwaiter of an elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in boots, torn jeans and a leather jacket approached him. "Hey, man," he said, "where's the toilet?" "Go down the hall and turn left, "replied the headwaiter. "When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen; pay no attention to it and go right on in."
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There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant. Four fish got battered!
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Waiter, waiter, does the pianist play requests? Yes, sir. Then ask him to play tiddlywinks until I've finished my meal.
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Q:What did one plate say to the other plate? A:('Lunch is on me!')
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A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.
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Sign at restaurant reads: Eat here diet home
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An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China where the specialty was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table. "This is the breast of the duck; this the leg of the duck; this is the wing of the duck; etc." Then came the dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for the explanation. Silence. "Well?" he finally asked, "What's this?" The waiter replied, "It's a friend of duck."
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