Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a
mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Single Page
Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so
the
saplings won't blow away?
A: Root position cords.
Single Page
Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a
perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
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Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and
one
says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last
night?"
A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my
fife."
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Q:
What is the difference between a saxophone
and a chainsaw?
A: It's all in the grip.
Single Page
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower
and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's
neighbors don't mind if
you don't return the sax when you borrow
it.
Single Page
Q: How many alto sax
players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to
contemplate how David Sanborn
would've done it.
Single Page
Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you
trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune
tenor
sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player!
You were hallucinating the other
two.
Single Page
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A:
One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Single Page
Q: How do
you make a trombone sound like a
french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong
notes.
Single Page
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and
a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
Single Page
Q: There is a frog driving
east and a
trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
A: The frog's
probably on its way to a gig.
Single Page
Q: How many lead trumpet
players does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to
stand around and say, "I
could do that better.
Single Page
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth
control?
A: Their personality.
Single Page
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet
soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.
Single Page
Q: What's the difference between trumpet
players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature
and earn money.
Single Page
Q: How do you
know when a trumpet player is
at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks!
Single Page
Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty
yards if you've got a good arm.
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Tuba Player: Did you hear
my last
recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Single Page
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a
"tuba glue."
Single Page
Q: What is the best recording of the Walton
viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.
Single Page
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a
trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the
trampoline.
Single Page
Q: What
is the difference between the first
and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.
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Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you
please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure
numbers.
Single Page
Q:
What do you call a person who plays the
viola?
A: A violator.
Single Page
Q: Why are violas so large?
A: It is an
optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just
that the
viola player's heads are so small.
Single Page
Q: What do you call the
folks who hang
around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.
Single Page
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a
viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Single Page
Q: Why can't you hear a
viola on a digital
recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced
level of
development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Single Page
Q: What is the definition
of a major
seventh?
A: A violist playing octaves.
Single Page
Q: How is lightning like a violist's
fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Single Page
Q: Which positions
does a violist use?
A:
First, third, and emergency.
Single Page
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions
only
twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.
Single Page
Q: When a 16-inch
viola and a 17-inch viola
are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story
building, which one hits
the pavement first?
A: Who cares!
Single Page
Q: How do you get a viola section to play
spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
Single Page
A violist and a cellist were standing on a
sinking ship together.
"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't
swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."
Single Page
A violist comes
home late at night to
discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking
crater where his house
used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him,
"While you were
out, the conductor came to your house, killed your
family, and burned
the house down."
The violist replied,
"You're kidding! The conductor came to my
house?"
Single Page
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of
tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Single Page
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a
viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.
Single Page
Q: How do you make a violin sound
like a
viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
Single Page
Q: What is the difference between a violin and a
viola?
A: A viola burns longer.
Single Page
Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a
violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.
Single Page
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit
have in
common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Single Page
Q: Why is a violinist
like a Scud
missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Single Page
Q: What is the difference
between a violist
and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Single Page
Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek?
A:
Because no one will look for them.
Single Page
Q: Why shouldn't violists take
up
mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone
notices that
they're missing.
Single Page
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed
an
autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a
concert.
"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I
write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following
helpful hint,
"Write your repertoire."
Single Page
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies
first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is
like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to
make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe
this worked! So what is it like in
Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well,
it's great, but I've got good news, and I've
got bad news. The
good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up
here, and in
fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece,
tomorrow
night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies,
"Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
Single Page
"Haven't I
seen your face before?" a judge
demanded, looking down at the
defendant.
"You have, Your
Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son
violin lessons
last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Single Page
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at
the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to
come in.
Single Page
Q: What
is the missing link between the bass
and the ape?
A: The baritone.
Single Page
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian
soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.
Single Page
Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really
stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.
Single Page
Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right
while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult
to hit a moving target.
Single Page
Q: Mom,
why do you always stand by the
window when I practice for my singing
lessons?
A: I don't want the
neighbours to think I'm employing corporal
punishment, dear.
Single Page
When a young hotshot conductor was making his
debut at
the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how
well he knew the
music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during
rehearsal.
Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to
the other,
impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his
stuff!"
The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how
flat his high E was at the end?"
Single Page
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet
String
Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
Single Page
Q: What do
you do with percussionists that
lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and
tell them to wave their
arms!
Single Page
Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for
transplants?
A: They've had little use.
Single Page
A musician calls the orchestra office,
asks
for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.
The musician
calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from
receptionist.
She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear
you
say it."
Single Page
Q: What do you get when you play a new age song
backwards?
A: A new age song.
Single Page
Q: What happens if you sing country music
backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.
Single Page
Q: How can you tell someone
is a true music
lover?
A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom
keyhole.
Single Page
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse,
but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach
in the saddle again.
Single Page
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it
take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to
complain that it's
electrified.
Single Page
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and
17 to be on
the guest list.
Single Page
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to
change a
light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to
sing about how good the
old one was.
Single Page
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is
buried?
A: Because he's Haydn!
Single Page
Q: What's musical and handy in a
supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.
Single Page
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is
reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.
Single Page
Q: What do you call a male quartet?
A: Three
men and a tenor.
Single Page
Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a
recital
in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost
and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are
we?"
Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
Single Page
A tourist is sightseeing in
a European city.
She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins
reading the
commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching
noise, as
if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.
She collars a
passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.
The local
person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's
decomposing."
Single Page
Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A:
An accordion player with a pager.
Single Page
Q: What's the range of an
accordion?
A:
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
Single Page
Q: What's the difference
between an onion
and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
Single Page
Q: What's the
definition of perfect
pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching
the
sides.
Single Page
Q: How do you protect a valuable
instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.
Single Page
Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning
how to fold a map.
Single Page
Q: What's the difference between a
chainsaw
and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.
Single Page
Q: Why is it good that accordionists have
a
half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace
themselves in parades.
Single Page
Q: Why do bagpipers
walk when they
play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Single Page
Q: What's the only thing worse than a
bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Single Page
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect
pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit
any of the
ducks.
Single Page
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a
javelin
blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get
people's attention.
Single Page
Q. Why
did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
Single Page
Q. What's the difference
between a
lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's
neighbors are upset if
you borrow the lawnmower and don't return
it.
Single Page
Q. If you were lost in
the woods, who would
you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe
player, an out of tune
bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player.
The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
Single Page
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their
dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Single Page
Q. What's the definition
of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.
Single Page
Q. What's the difference between a
dead
bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The
country singer may have been on the way to a recording
session.
Single Page
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
Single Page
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and
a Rolling
Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of
my cloud!", while a
Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my
ewe!"
Single Page
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an
anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it
overboard.
Single Page
Q: Why
do so many fishermen own
banjos?
A: They make great anchors!
Single Page
Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the
banjo?
A: They make good paddles.
Single Page
Q: What is the difference between a banjo
and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.
Single Page
Q: What is the difference between
a banjo
and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the
other is a bird.
Single Page
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an
Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
Single Page
Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo
right
off?
A: Saves time.
Single Page
Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's
best
friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated
instrument on
earth.
Single Page
Q: How can you tell the difference between all
the banjo songs?
A: By their names.
Single Page
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the
three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
Single Page
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the
timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which
one.
Single Page
Q:
How many bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him
first.
Single Page
Q: How many
bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the
lead guitarists who are
hogging the light.
Single Page
Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his
keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to get the bass
player out.
Single Page
Q: How many
bass players does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his
left hand.
Single Page
Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they'll insist on going through
about 5 bulbs before
they find one that suits this particular room
and situation.
Single Page
Q: What
is the difference between a cello
and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Single Page
Q: How do you get a
cellist to play
fortissimo?
A: Write 'pp, espressivo'.
Single Page
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A:
Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
Single Page
Q: How do know a
clarinet player is playing
loud?
A: You can almost hear them.
Single Page
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play
louder?
A: You can't!
Single Page
Q: What's the difference between a violist and
a
dressmaker?
A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.
Single Page
Q: What will you never say about a
banjo
player?
A: That's the banjo player's porsche.
Single Page
Q: What's the inscription on
dead
blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
Single Page
Q: Why do drummers always
have trouble
entering a room ?
A: They never know when to come in.
Single Page
Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your
door?
A: The knocking always speeds up.
Single Page
Q: How many drummers does it take
to change
a lightbulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
Single Page
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bach !
Bach
who ?
Bach to work!
Single Page
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bass !
Bass
who ?
Bass the salt and pepper please !
Single Page
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bassoon
!
Bassoon who ?
Bassoon things will be better !
Single Page
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Beethoven
!
Beethoven who ?
Beethoven is too hot !
Single Page
What do you call a mammoth who conducts an
orchestra?
Tuskanini.
Single Page
When is the water in the shower room musical?
When it's piping hot.
Single Page
Why did the music student have a piano in the
bathroom?
Because he was practicing Handel's Water Music.
Single Page
What is musical and
handy in the
supermarket.
A Chopin Lizst.
Single Page
Why did they arrest the musician?
He got
into treble.
Single Page
Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed
wire fence miss his music lesson?
Because he'd already done
the sharps and flats.
Single Page
What's musical and
holds gallons and
gallons of beer?
A barrel organ.
Single Page
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the
three
piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
Single Page
Do you think, Professor, that my
wife should
take up the piano as a career?
No, I think she should put down the
lid as a favor.
Single Page
Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a
violin?
A: You get light music.
Single Page
Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to
chorus?
A: He wanted to sing higher!
Single Page
One day the bass player hid one of the
drummer's sticks.
The drummer said, "finally! After being a drummer for
so long,
now I am a conductor!"
Single Page
A down and out musician was playing his
harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman
asked, "May I please see your permit?" I don't have one,"
confessed
the musician. "In that case, you'll have to accompany
me."
"Splendid!" exclaimed the musician. "What shall we sing?"
Single Page
1st
man: "My neighbors were screaming and
yelling at three o'clock this
morning!"
2nd man: "Did they wake
you?"
1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes."
Single Page
Did you hear about the classical pianist who was
not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a
sign
on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"
Single Page
Hey buddy.
How late does the band
play?
About half a beat behind the drummer.
Single Page
A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is
happy when the case is closed.
Single Page
An eight-year-old kid says
t his dad, "When
I grow up, I want to be a musician."
The dad says, "I am sorry --
can't have it both ways."
Single Page
How do you
make a bandstand?
Take away
their chairs
Single Page
Q.How is a heart like a musician?
A.They both
have a beat :)
Single Page
Firefighter Jokes |
Fishing Jokes |
Food Jokes |
Frog Jokes |
Ghost Jokes |
Gorilla Jokes |
Hair and Bald Jokes |
Halloween Jokes |
Heaven and Hell Jokes |
History Jokes |
Horse Jokes |
Humor Jokes |
Hunting Jokes |
Idiot and Fool Jokes |
Insect Jokes |
Internet Jokes |
Journalist Jokes |
Judge Jokes |
King Kong Jokes |
Knock Knock Jokes |
Lawyer Jokes |
Letter Jokes |
Marriage Jokes |
Men Jokes |
Mental Health Jokes |
Military Jokes |
Money Jokes |
Monster Jokes |
Mouse Jokes |
Movie and TV Jokes |
Music Jokes |
Old Age Jokes |
Parent Jokes |
Pig Jokes |
Police Jokes |
Political Jokes |
Rabbit Jokes |
Religious Jokes |
Restaurant Jokes |
Salesmen Jokes |
School Jokes |
Snake Jokes |
Snowman Jokes |
Space Jokes |
Spelling Jokes |
Sport Jokes |
Teeth Jokes |
Telephone Jokes |
Time Jokes |
Travel and Tourist Jokes |
Vampire Jokes |
Various Animal Jokes |
Waiter Jokes |
Weather Jokes |
Witch Jokes |
Women Jokes |
Yo Momma Jokes |
Zodiac Jokes |
Zoo Jokes
