What brings the monster's babies? The
Frankenstork.
Single Page
Did you hear about the monster who went to a
holiday camp? He
won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and
he wasn't even
entered.
Single Page
How does Frankenstein sit in his chair?
Bolt upright.
Single Page
What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the
other?
I didn't know we lived on the same block.
Single Page
How did Frankenstein's
monster eat his
lunch?
He bolted it down.
Single Page
Why did Frankenstein squeeze his girlfriend to
death?
He had a crush on her.
Single Page
How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built
his monster?
On a piece rate.
Single Page
Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when
suddenly
through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope
round his
neck. Frankenstein said, "Monster, monster, what are you
doing here?"
The monster said, "Well, boss, they hanged me this
morning so now I've
come to meet my maker."
Single Page
What happened to Frankenstein's monster on
the road?
He was stopped for speeding, fined $50 and dismantled
for six
months.
Single Page
What does Frankenstein's monster call a
screwdriver?
Daddy.
Single Page
What happened to Frankenstein's stupid son?
He had so much wax in his ears that he became a permanent
contributor
to Madame Tussaud's.
Single Page
Dr Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest
invention? It's a new pill consisting of 50 per cent glue and 50
per
cent aspirin.
Igor: But what's it for?
Dr Frankenstein:
For monsters with splitting headaches.
Single Page
Igor: Only
this morning Dr Frankenstein
completed another amazing operation. He
crossed an ostrich with a
centipede.
Dracula: And what did he get?
Igor: We don't know - we
haven't managed to catch it yet.
Single Page
What
happened when Dr Frankenstein
swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
Single Page
Monster: Someone told me Dr Frankenstein
invented
the safety match.
Igor: Yes, that was one of his most
striking achievements.
Single Page
What do you call a mouse that can pick up a
monster?
Sir.
Single Page
Why did the monster stop playing with his
brother?
He got tired of kicking him around.
Single Page
What do you call a monster with a
wooden
head?
Edward.
Single Page
What does a polite monster say when he meets
you for the
first time?
Pleased to eat you!
Single Page
How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If it's a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
Single Page
What do you call a monster with two wooden
heads?
Edward Woodward.
Single Page
What does a monster do when he loses his head?
He calls a head hunter.
Single Page
How did the monster cure his sore throat?
He spent all day gargoyling.
Single Page
On which day do monsters eat people?
Chewsday.
Single Page
What kind of monster can sit on the end of
your finger?
The bogeyman.
Single Page
Little monster: Mom, I've finished. Can I
leave the table?
Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your
supper.
Single Page
First monster: I
have a hunch.
Second
monster: I thought you were a funny shape.
Single Page
Did you hear the
joke about the two
monsters who crashed?
They fell off a cliff, boom, boom.
Single Page
How do you address a monster?
Very
politely.
Single Page
Did you hear about the monster who had twelve
arms and
no legs? He was all fingers and thumbs.
Single Page
HWhy did the monster lie on his back?
To
trip up low-flying aircraft.
Single Page
What do you get if you cross a plum
with a
man eating monster?
A purple people eater.
Single Page
Where is the monster's temple?
On the
side of his head.
Single Page
How do you communicate with the Loch Ness
Monster at 20,000 fathoms?
Drop him a line.
Single Page
What should you call a polite, friendly, kind,
good
looking monster?
A failure.
Single Page
Boy: Did you know you can get fur from a three
headed mountain monster?
Girl: Really? What kind of fur?
Boy: As fur away as possible!
Single Page
How can you tell if a monster has a
glass
eye?
Because it comes out in conversation
Single Page
What makes an ideal present for
a monster?
Five pairs of gloves one for each hand.
Single Page
Did you hear about the
monster who lost
all his hair in the war?
He lost it in a hair raid.
Single Page
What did the big, hairy monster do when he
lost a hand?
He went to the second-hand shop.
Single Page
Did you hear about the monster who had an
extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them?
In a handbag.
Single Page
Why was the monster standing on his head?
He was turning things over in his mind.
Single Page
What do you get if you cross
a tall green
monster with a fountain pen?
The Ink-credible Hulk.
Single Page
Did you hear about the Irish monster who went
to night school to learn to read in the dark?
Single Page
Why did the monster
take his nose apart?
To see what made it run.
Single Page
What happened when the monster stole a bottle
of perfume?
He was convicted of fragrancy.
Single Page
On her annual visit to another planet,
an
old lady turns to the cabin steward and says. "I hope this
spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound. "Why?" replies the cabin
steward. "Because my friend and I want to talk, that's why."
Single Page
Mr Monster:
Oi, hurry up with my supper.
Mrs Monster: Oh, do be quiet I've only got three pairs of
hands.
Single Page
What's big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has
sixteen wheels?
A monster on roller-skates.
Single Page
What should you do if a monster runs
through your front door?
Run through the back door.
Single Page
How do you stop a monster digging up your
garden?
Take his spade away.
Single Page
What do you do with a green monster?
Put
it in the sun until it ripens!
Single Page
What does a monster mom say to her
kids at
dinnertime?
Don't talk with someone in your mouth.
Single Page
What did Frankenstein's
monster say when
he was struck by lightning?
Thanks, I needed that.
Single Page
What happens if a big hairy monster sits in
front of you at the movie theater?
You miss most of the film.
Single Page
First Monster: I'm so thirsty my tongue's
hanging out.
Second Monster: Oh. I thought that was your
necktie!
Single Page
What do you call
a huge, ugly, slobbering,
furry monster with cotton wool in his ears?
Anything you like ? he
can't hear you.
Single Page
The monster spent a fortune
on deodorants
before he found out that people didn't like him
anyway.
Single Page
How do man-eating monsters count to a
thousand?
On their warts.
Single Page
Could you kill a monster just by throwing eggs
at
him?
Of course - he'd be eggs-terminated.
Single Page
What does the hungry monster get after he's
eaten too much ice cream?
More ice cream!
Single Page
What's the difference between a dim monster
and a
birthday candle?
The candle is a thousand times
brighter!
Single Page
Why did the monster put the
cake in the
freezer?
Because he had been told to ice it.
Single Page
1st Monster: What is that son of
yours
doing these days ?
2nd Monster: He's at medical school.
1st
Monster: Oh, what's he studying ?
2nd Monster: Nothing, they're studying
him!
Single Page
First monster: That
pretty girl over there
just rolled her eyes at me.
Second monster: Well you'd better roll
them back to her, she might
need them.
Single Page
What do young female monsters do at parties
?
They go around looking for edible bachelors !
Single Page
Why is stupid monster
like a
jack-o'-lantern?
They both have empty heads.
Single Page
Girl Monster 1: "I hear you've met the
perfect guy."
Girl Monster 2: "Oh yes, he's a bad dream come
true!"
Single Page
How does a
monster begin a fairy
tale?
"Once upon a slime . . ."
Single Page
What monster plays the most April Fool's
jokes?
Prankenstein!
Single Page
What would you get if you crossed a monster
with a Thanksgiving dessert?
Bumpkin pie!
Single Page
Why did the monster get a ticket at
Thanksgiving dinner?
He was exceeding the feed limit!
Single Page
What did the monster say to the
Thanksgiving turkey?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Single Page
What would you get if you crossed a monster
with a redcoat?
A bigger target.
Single Page
How do you stop a monster from
smelling?
Cut off his nose.
Single Page
Where do you find monster snails?
On the
end of monsters fingers.
Single Page
Where do space monsters live?
In far
distant terror-tory.
Single Page
What's the difference between a monster
and a mouse?
A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board.
Single Page
Did you hear
about the monster with five
legs?
His trousers fit him like a glove.
Single Page
What's big and ugly and drinks
out of the
wrong side of the glass?
A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.
Single Page
Why did the monster dye her hair yellow?
To
see if blondes have more fun.
Single Page
'Here's a good book,' said the
sales
assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster.
'How To Help Your Husband
Get Ahead.'
'No, thank you,' said Mrs Monster. 'My husband's
got two heads
already. . .'
Single Page
A very tall monster with several arms and
legs, all of
different lengths, went into a tailor's shop.
'I'd
like to see a suit that will fit me,' he told the tailor.
'So would
I, sir,' said the tailor. 'So would I.'
Single Page
If storks bring
human babies, what bring
monster babies?
Cranes.
Single Page
What do sea monsters have for dinner?
Fish
and ships.
Single Page
An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven
legs walked into a tailors shop.
'Quick!' shouted the tailor
to his assistant. 'Hide the "Free
Alterations" sign!'
Single Page
What's big and hairy and goes 'beep
beep'?
A monster in a traffic jam.
Single Page
What is a monster's favourite society?
The
Consumers' Association.
Single Page
How can you tell if a monster has a
glass
eye?
When it comes out in conversation.
Single Page
FIRST HUMAN BOY: I can lift a
monster with
one hand.
SECOND HUMAN BOY: Bet you can't!
FIRST HUMAN BOY:
Find me a monster with one hand and I'll prove it.
Single Page
What do you get if you cross a bird with a
monstrous snarl?
A budgerigrrrrr!
Single Page
FRED MONSTER: My sister must be twenty. I
counted
the rings under her eyes.
BERT MONSTER: That's nothing. My
sister's tongue is so long, she can
lick an envelope after she's
posted it.
Single Page
FRED: Your monster was
making a terrible
noise last night.
BERT: Yes - ever since he ate Madonna, he thinks
he can sing.
Single Page
Why is
the monsters' football pitch
wet?
Because the players keep dribbling on it.
Single Page
FIRST MONSTER: I'm going
to a party
tonight.
SECOND MONSTER: Oh, are you?
FIRST MONSTER: Yes, I must go
to the graveyard and dig out a few old
friends.
Single Page
What do you get if you cross a monster with a
flea?
Lots of very worried dogs.
Single Page
MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice
to my mother when she visits us this weekend, dear. Fall down when she
hits you.
Single Page
What did the monster say to his
psychiatrist?
'I feel abominable.'
Single Page
Why did the monster go into hospital?
To
have his ghoul-stones removed.
Single Page
Monster: Where do fleas go in
winter?
Werewolf: Search me!
Single Page
What is a monster's favourite
drink?
Demonade.
Single Page
What do they have for lunch at Monster
School?
Human beans, boiled legs, pickled bunions and eyes-cream.
Single Page
What's the
hardest part of making monster
soup?
Stirring it.
Single Page
FIRST MONSTER: Am I late for dinner?
SECOND MONSTER: Yes, everyone's been eaten.
Single Page
FIRST MONSTER: I fancy
eating the city of
Hong Kong tonight. Care to join me?
SECOND MONSTER: No thanks, I
can't stand Chinese food.
Single Page
MONSTER MOTHER: How many times have I told you
not to eat with your fingers?
Use the spade like everyone
else.
Single Page
Little monster: Mom I've finished.
Can I
leave the table?
Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your tea.
Single Page
Little monster: Mom,
why can't we have
dustbins like everyone else?
Mother monster: Less talking, more
eating please.
Single Page
Little monster:
Mom, Mom, what's for tea?
Mother monster: Shut up and get back in the microwave.
Single Page
Mommy monster:
Don't eat that uranium.
Little monster: Why not?
Mommy monster: You'll get
atomic-ache.
Single Page
What happened to Ray when he met the
man-eating monster?
He became an ex-Ray.
Single Page
Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the
menu,
sir?
Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.
Single Page
Why did the
monster paint himself in
rainbow colors?
Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.
Single Page
Why was the big, hairy,
two-headed monster
top of the class at school?
Because two heads are better than
one.
Single Page
What can a monster do that you
can't do?
Count up to 25 on his fingers.
Single Page
What aftershave do monsters wear?
Brute.
Single Page
How did the world's tallest monster become
short overnight?
Someone stole all his money.
Single Page
What happened when the monster stole a
bottle of perfume?
He was convicted of fragrancy.
Single Page
Did you hear about the monster who
sent
his picture to a lonely hearts club?
They sent it back saying they
weren't that lonely!
Single Page
Did you hear
about the monster who had an
extra pair of hands?
Where did he keep them?
In a
handbag.mons
Single Page
A monster walked into the council rent office
with a $5 note stuck in one ear and a $10 note in the other.
You see, he was $15 in arrears.
Single Page
Did you hear about the monster with
one
eye at the back of his head, and one at the front?
He was terribly
moody because he couldn't see eye to eye with
himself.
Single Page
Why did the monster take a dead man for a
drive in his car?
Because he was a car-case.
Single Page
Why did the monster drink ten liters of
antifreeze?
So that he didn't have to buy a winter coat.
Single Page
What's the difference
between
Frankenstein and boiled potatoes?
You can't mash Frankenstein.
Single Page
Why did Frankenstein's monster give up
boxing?
Because he didn't want to spoil his looks.
Single Page
What kind of book did
Frankenstein's
monster like to read?
One with a cemetery plot.
Single Page
What was the inscription on the tomb of
Frankenstein's monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER. MAY HE
REST IN PIECES.
Single Page
Where does
the bride of Frankenstein have
her hair done?
At the ugly parlour.
Single Page
What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to
the
other?
I didn't know we lived on the same block.
Single Page
What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his
goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it
is great at chasing submarines.
Single Page
What do you
call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Single Page
What do you get if a huge hairy monster steps
on
Batman and Robin ?
Flatman and Ribbon !
Single Page
Frankenstein: Help, I've got a short circuit!
Igor: Don't worry, I'll lengthen it.
Single Page
What kind of monster is safe
to put in the
washing machine?-
A wash and wear wolf
Single Page
Why are monsters huge and hairy and
ugly?-
Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be
M&M's
Single Page
What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and
belongs to Grandpa monster?
- Grandma monster
Single Page
What monster flies his kite in a rain
storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein
Single Page
What's a monsters favorite play?
Romeo and
Ghouliet
Single Page
Firefighter Jokes |
Fishing Jokes |
Food Jokes |
Frog Jokes |
Ghost Jokes |
Gorilla Jokes |
Hair and Bald Jokes |
Halloween Jokes |
Heaven and Hell Jokes |
History Jokes |
Horse Jokes |
Humor Jokes |
Hunting Jokes |
Idiot and Fool Jokes |
Insect Jokes |
Internet Jokes |
Journalist Jokes |
Judge Jokes |
King Kong Jokes |
Knock Knock Jokes |
Lawyer Jokes |
Letter Jokes |
Marriage Jokes |
Men Jokes |
Mental Health Jokes |
Military Jokes |
Money Jokes |
Monster Jokes |
Mouse Jokes |
Movie and TV Jokes |
Music Jokes |
Old Age Jokes |
Parent Jokes |
Pig Jokes |
Police Jokes |
Political Jokes |
Rabbit Jokes |
Religious Jokes |
Restaurant Jokes |
Salesmen Jokes |
School Jokes |
Snake Jokes |
Snowman Jokes |
Space Jokes |
Spelling Jokes |
Sport Jokes |
Teeth Jokes |
Telephone Jokes |
Time Jokes |
Travel and Tourist Jokes |
Vampire Jokes |
Various Animal Jokes |
Waiter Jokes |
Weather Jokes |
Witch Jokes |
Women Jokes |
Yo Momma Jokes |
Zodiac Jokes |
Zoo Jokes
