A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is
a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking
her
out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of
the air,
and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the
woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy you dessert
to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together,
and afterwards, the woman
invites him to the theater followed by
drinks. After paying for everything,
she asks him if he would like to
come to her place and stay for
breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said,
"you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy
you meet?"
"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my
eye."
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Men are
like placemats.
They only show
up when there's food on the table.
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Men are like
mascara.
They usually run
at the first sign of emotion.
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Men are like bike
helmets.
They are
handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look
silly.
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Men are like government bonds.
They take so
long to mature.
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Men are like copiers.
You need them for
reproduction, but that's about it.
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Men are like
lava lamps.
Fun to look
at, but not very bright.
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Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot
of money, they don't generate much interest.
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Men are
like high heels.
They're easy
to walk on once you get the hang of it.
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Men are like
curling irons.
They're
always hot, and they're always in your hair.
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Men are like mini skirts.
If you're not
careful, they'll creep up your legs.
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How many men
does it take to open a beer?
- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Single Page
Why is a
Laundromat a really bad place to pick
up a woman?
- Because a woman who can't afford a washing
machine will probably
never be able to support you.
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A husband was trying to prove to his wife
that
women talk more than men.
He showed her a study which indicated
that men use about 10,000 words
per day, whereas women use 20,000
words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while. She then
told her husband that
women use twice as many words as men because
they have to repeat
everything they say.
Her husband looked
stunned. He said "What?"
Single Page
There were 11 people
hanging on to a single
rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying
to bring them to
safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.
They all decided that one
person would have to let go because if they
didn't, the rope would
break and all of them would die.
No one could decide who it
should be. Finally the woman gave a really
touching speech, saying how
she would give up her life to save the
others, because women were
used to giving things up for their husbands and
children and giving
in to men.
All of the men started clapping.
Single Page
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A.
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Single Page
Q.
How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By
sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Single Page
Q. How
does a man show he's planning for the
future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Single Page
Q. What do most men
consider a gourmet
restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Single Page
Q. What do you call a
handcuffed man?
A.
Trustworthy.
Single Page
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight
dinner?
A. A power failure.
Single Page
Q. What should you give a man who has
everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
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Q. What do you instantly know
about a
well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
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Q. What's a man's idea
of honestly in a
relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
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Q. What's the best way to force a man
to do
sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
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Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A.
Because they're all pigs.
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Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites
attract.
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Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV
sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Single Page
Q. What do you
call a woman who knows where
her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
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Q. Why do men like love at first site?
A. It
saves them a lot of time.
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Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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Q. How can you tell if a man
is happy?
A.
Who cares?
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Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that
are
sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men
already have boyfriends.
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Q. How many men does it
take to wallpaper a
bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Single Page
Q. Why do men buy electric
lawn mowers?
A.
So they can find their way back to the house.
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Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed
gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the
pillow down long enough.
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Q: What's the best
way to kill a man?
A:
Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to
pick only one.
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Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving
her money, furs and diamonds.
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Q: How do you keep your
husband from reading
your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
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Why don't women
work as long and as hard as
men in the office?
They do it right first time.
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What does it mean to come home to a man who'll
give you some love and tenderness?
You're in the wrong house.
Single Page
Why do men act like idiots?
Who says they're
acting?
Single Page
How do you lose fourteen stone of fat?
Dump
him.
Single Page
How can you tell if a man is cheating on
you?
He has a bath more than once a month.
Single Page
How do you confuse a man?
You don't - they're
born that way.
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When do men insist that women are
illogical?
When a woman doesn't agree with them.
Single Page
Where's the safest place to
hide money from a
man?
Under the soap
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Why does a man only get half-hour
lunch-breaks?
So his boss doesn't have to retrain him.
Single Page
How are men like carpet
tiles?
If you lay
them properly the first time around, you can walk all over
them for
the rest of your life.
Single Page
Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
They never
stop to ask directions.
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What do you call a man who opens the car door for
you?
A chauffeur.
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How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet
paper?
No one knows, it's never happened.
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How many men does it take to make
popcorn?
Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the
stove.
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What's a man idea of helping with the
housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Single Page
What's the difference between a
man and
E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
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What does a man consider to be a seven course
meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
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How are men like noodles?
They are always in
hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.
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A
woman of 35 thinks of having children. What
does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
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Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay
stuck in adolescence.
Single Page
How is being at a singles bar
different from
going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Single Page
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's
God's gift?
Exchange him.
Single Page
What's the difference between a new husband and a
new
dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Single Page
What is the
thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
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Now do you save a man from drowning?
Take your
foot off his head.
Single Page
How many honest, intelligent, caring men
in
the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Single Page
What do you do if your boyfriend walks
out?
Close the door.
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What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice
makes perfect."
Single Page
What do you call a man who has lost 95%
of his
brainpower?
A widower.
Single Page
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man
says, "why
did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would
love you." "But God," the man says, "why
did you make her so
dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Single Page
Why did God create a man before
a
women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Single Page
Why do little boys whine?
Because they're
practicing to be men.
Single Page
Give a man a fish and he will
eat for a
day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all
day.
Single Page
One night a wife found her husband
standing
over their baby's
crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood
looking down at
the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of
emotions:
disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment,
skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it
aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her
husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's
amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can
make a crib
like that for only $46.50."
Single Page
There are a lot of words you
can use to
describe men: strong, caring, loving.
They'd be wrong, but you could
still use them.
Single Page
Men are like animals:
messy, insensitive
and
potentially violent, but they make great pets.
Single Page
There are only two four letter words that are
offensive to men:
"don't" and "stop".
Single Page
How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind
him and start throwing rice.
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One day in the Garden of
Eden, Eve calls out
to God, "Lord, I
have a problem!"
"What's the problem,
Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?"
came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to
death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
I shall create a man
for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you
properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be
bigger
and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good
at
fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds g
reat," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah,
well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt
stick. But, you
can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Single Page
Two
confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their
conversation drifted
from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook
once," said the first,
"but I could never do anything with
it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said
it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean
dish and....'"
Single Page
If a man says something in the middle
of a
forest, and there is no women
around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Single Page
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their
own business?
1. No mind
2. No business.
Single Page
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill
for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
Single Page
Q. Where is the best place in a book
store to
find a man who is handsome,
a good lover and a stimulating
partner?
A. In the pages of a romance novel.
Single Page
Q. Why is the book "Women Who
Love Too Much" a
disappointment for many
men?
A. No phone numbers.
Single Page
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment,
and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in a
lift with the Spice girls.
Single Page
Why are men like blenders?
You need one,
but you're not quite sure why.
Single Page
Where do you have to go
to find a man who is
truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
Single Page
Which of the following lines will do a better job
of frightening a man
away?
1) Get away or I'll call the
police!!!
2) I love you and want to marry you and have your
children.
Single Page
What do
you do if your bank account stops
working?
Throw the guy out of the house.
Single Page
Why are men like paper cups?
They're
disposable
Single Page
why don't men do laundry?
cause the washer
and dryer don't run on remote control!
Single Page
Why do men
prefer blondes?
Men always like
intellectual company
Single Page
When a man steals your wife,
there is no
better revenge than to let him keep her.
Single Page
The difference
between men and women
A man
is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving
down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the
window and yells, "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out his window and
replies, "Stupid!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man
rounds the next corner
he slams into a pig in the middle of the
road.
Single Page
Why did God create men
first? Because we learn
from mistakes.
Single Page
What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon,
you and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the
floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear,
if we don't do laundry
right now!"
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah,
C'mon
blah, blah, blah, blah,
you and I blah, blah, blah, blah,
on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah,
no clothes blah, blah,
blah, blah,
right now !
Single Page
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was
walking
past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did
you want
that cart?"
"No," he answered. "I'm only after one
thing."
As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical
male."
Single Page
QUESTION: Why are lifesavers better than men?
ANSWER: They come in five flavors.
Single Page
Men are like fine wine. They all
start out
like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and
keep them
in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have
dinner with.
Single Page
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his
lawn
chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A
neighbor lady
was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the
man, "You
should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am.
That's why she cuts
the grass!"
Single Page
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture
of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her
goal.
The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that
she had
lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to
this was that her husband spent so much time going
into the fridge to
look at the picture that he ended up gaining
fifteen pounds.
Single Page
Q. How
are men like television
commercials?
A. You can't believe a word either one of them says, and they both
last about 30 seconds.
Single Page
Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind
wander?
A: It's too little to be out alone.
Single Page
Q: Why do men float better than
women?
A:
Because they are scum.
Single Page
Q: What are the three types of men?
A: The
handsome, the caring, and the majority.
Single Page
Men are like coffee.
The best ones are rich,
hot and can keep you up all night.
Single Page
Men are
like computers.
Hard to figure out
and never enough memory.
Single Page
Men are like coolers.
Load them with beer and
you can take them anywhere.
Single Page
Men are like
chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth
and they usually head right for your hips.
Single Page
Men are like
power tools.
They make a lot
of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
Single Page
Men are like remote controls.
Simple. Easy to
use. And usually lying around a TV.
Single Page
Men are like shag
carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and
extremely easy to walk on.
Single Page
Men are like vacuum
cleaners.
They're not
much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Single Page
Men
are like road kill.
They usually just
lie around until they start to smell.
Single Page
Men are like
soap operas.
They're fun to
watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Single Page
Men are like pillows.
Eventually, even the best
ones get soft and lumpy.
Single Page
Men are like old
car tires.
Balding, full
of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Single Page
Men are
like plastic wrap.
Cheap. Clingy.
And very easy to see through.
Single Page
Men are like department
stores.
Their
clothes should always be half off.
Single Page
Men are like horoscopes.
They always tell you
what to do and are usually wrong.
Single Page
Men are like plungers.
They spend most of their
lives in a hardware store or the
bathroom
Single Page
Question: How many men does it take to mop the
floor?
Answer: None, it's a women's job.
Single Page
Question: If a man speaks in the
forest and
there is no woman around to hear him, is he still
wrong?
Single Page
What is the difference between men and
pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Single Page
Q: Men will brag that
there are women waiting
by the phone at this very moment for their call.
Who are these
women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.
Single Page
Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
Single Page
Brian was dating
Lorraine and they were very
close. While they were dating he met another
woman named Clearly and
wanted to start dating her but felt that he should
be faithful to
Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day
Brian took
Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were
walking near
the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly
sang,
"I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."
Single Page
A neighbor of
mine was bit by a stray rabid
dog. I went to see how he was and found him
writing furiously. I told
him rabies could be cured and he didn't have
to worry about a
will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list
of people I'm
gonna bite."
Single Page
This man says to his friend," I stopped
driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold
the wheel."
Single Page
Q: What do you call a man who marries an old, ugly
and
poor woman?
A: Desperate!
Single Page
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for
his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
Single Page
Men don't
get lost; they discover alternative
destinations.
Single Page
Firefighter Jokes |
Fishing Jokes |
Food Jokes |
Frog Jokes |
Ghost Jokes |
Gorilla Jokes |
Hair and Bald Jokes |
Halloween Jokes |
Heaven and Hell Jokes |
History Jokes |
Horse Jokes |
Humor Jokes |
Hunting Jokes |
Idiot and Fool Jokes |
Insect Jokes |
Internet Jokes |
Journalist Jokes |
Judge Jokes |
King Kong Jokes |
Knock Knock Jokes |
Lawyer Jokes |
Letter Jokes |
Marriage Jokes |
Men Jokes |
Mental Health Jokes |
Military Jokes |
Money Jokes |
Monster Jokes |
Mouse Jokes |
Movie and TV Jokes |
Music Jokes |
Old Age Jokes |
Parent Jokes |
Pig Jokes |
Police Jokes |
Political Jokes |
Rabbit Jokes |
Religious Jokes |
Restaurant Jokes |
Salesmen Jokes |
School Jokes |
Snake Jokes |
Snowman Jokes |
Space Jokes |
Spelling Jokes |
Sport Jokes |
Teeth Jokes |
Telephone Jokes |
Time Jokes |
Travel and Tourist Jokes |
Vampire Jokes |
Various Animal Jokes |
Waiter Jokes |
Weather Jokes |
Witch Jokes |
Women Jokes |
Yo Momma Jokes |
Zodiac Jokes |
Zoo Jokes
