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...A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. "What's wrong?" asked his mother. "Do people really come from dust, like they said in church?" he sobbed. "In a way they do," said his mother. "And when they die so they turn back to dust?" "Yes, they do." The little boy began to cry again. "Well, under my bed there's someone either coming or going."... Rakeback poker

A casino dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight." Slots Casino

Humor and jokes



What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.
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Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Exactly five hundred. 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 21 to flame the spell checkers. 49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb. 69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bul bs be stopped. 41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list. 106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too." 6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!" 3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
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What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address? Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
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Can you show me how to use the Internet? I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in circles.
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Do you want some help using the Internet, son? No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.
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Does your mum like shopping on the Internet? No, the trolley keeps rolling off the top of the computer.
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How do you find white shirts on the Internet? Use a starch engine.
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How does the vicar explore the Internet? With the church mouse.
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I hear you've been tracing your ancestors on the internet... Yes - and it's a mammoth task!
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I hope you're not one of those pupils who spends all day on the Net and doesn't get any exercise. Oh, no, miss, I often sit around watching TV and not getting exercise either.
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I never thought that the Internet was very useful, but now I've changed my mind. Let's hope your new one works better then the one you had before.
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I see you've got your bill for using the Internet Yes, and my dad's really going to get the hump!
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I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like. How do you do that? I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!
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Since you've discovered the Internet, you don't pay any attention to me! Who said that?
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So what exactly can I learn on the Internet? Anything you like - it can even teach you to talk like an Indian. How? See? It's working already.
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Teacher: Don't forget to check the Internet if you have trouble with your homework questions. Pupil: It's not the questions I have trouble with, it's the answers.
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Teacher: What are the four elements? Pupil: Fire, Earth, Water and the Internet. Teacher: What do you mean the Internet? Pupil: Well, Mum says that whenever I'm on the Net, I'm in my element.
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What do you call someone who spends 24 hours a day on the Internet? Anything you like, they're not listening to you anyway.
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Where does the Internet football team play? Webley.
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Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet? Because they can't stop saving their work.
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Why do you think your report should be on the net? Because my marks are all 'E's.
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You're a big Internet fan aren't you? Yes - it's becoming a habit!
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You're a big internet fan, arn't you? Yes, I really get a buzz out of it!
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Teacher: Why are you pushing garlic into the computer's disk drive? Pupil: To keep vampires off the Internet Teacher: But there aren't any vampires on the Internet Pupil: See? It works, doesn't it?
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Where's Spiderman's home page? On the world wide web.
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Why did the mummy stop using the Internet? He was getting far too wrapped up in it.
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Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet? They never want to log off.
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Why was the skeleton using the Internet? To bone up on his schoolwork.
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What's the best city to search the World Wide Web in? Rome.
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Which Lord Mayor of London was always on the Internet? Click Whittington
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Who is the oldest singer on the Internet? Click Jagger.
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Who writes hit musicals on the Internet? Andrew Lloyd Webber.
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What did you say to the policeman who spent eight hours on the Internet? Oh give it arrest.
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What do you get if you cross a giant ship with the Internet? The Site-anic.
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What do you get if you cross the Internet with a currant bread? Spotted click
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What do you put in a www.ashing machine? Net curtains!
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What grows on the World Wide Web and stings? Internettles.
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What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet? P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.
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What did the sausage say when it couldn't log on to the Internet? If at first you don't succeed Fry, Fry again
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Did you know pillows have their own website? Really? Well you could knock me down with a feather!
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Did you like www.flower.com? Not at first....but it grew on me!
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How did the flea learn to use the internet? He had to start from scratch.
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Have you got the address of the butter website? Yes, but don't spread it around.
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I can't find a shark website.... That's cos you're dum dum, dum dum, dum dum, dumb......
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If doors have a website shouldn't windows have one too? We'd better, or it will be curtains for us.
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Our website should have more colour, more games, more sound! Look, what more do you want? Blood?
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What did the hypnotist say when he got his own website.... Hyp, Hyp Hooray.
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What did the maths homework website say to the geometry website? Boy do we have problems.
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What did you think of our website? A little bit tacky.
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What do builders use to make websites? Com.crete.
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Where is Pinocchio's website? On the splinternet.
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Who has the best website in the jungle? The Onlion King.
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Who runs the 100 acre wood website? www.innie the pooh.
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Who started the campfire website? Some bright spark.
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Why do you keep going back to that fishing website? I can't help it, I'm hooked.
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You need to log on to the window repair website! I did - but it gave me a pane!
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I spent the whole evening knotsurfing! Don't you mean netsurfing? No, everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!
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How do nuns surf the web? On the Hymnternet.
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How are you getting on with the Internet? Surf far, so good.
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My dog likes to sit down each evening and surf the Net. What an intelligent animal! Not really, it took the cat three weeks to teach him.
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Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting round playing on the Internet, you'll be fat and useless when you grow up. Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!
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What happened when the schoool bully went netsurfing? The goalkeeper kicked him out of the football ground.
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What surfs the Internet and goes, 'Choo, Choo'? Thomas the Search Engine.
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What's hairy, dangerous and only surfs the Net when there's a full moon? The www.erewolf.
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Who sits at the end of the yellow brick road surfing the Net? The www.izard of Oz.
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Who surfs the Net by pecking at the keyboard? www.oody www.oodpecker.
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Why are elephants no good at Net surfing? Because they're scared of the mouse.
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Does your dog know how how to surf the internet? No - but he's got a ruff idea.
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Why are frogs no good at websurfing? Computers have them toad-ily confused.
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Why couldn't the baby camel surf the Internet? Because whenever his parents saw their phone bill they got the hump.
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Why was Cinderella able to surf the web? Because he footman turned into a mouse.
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Do you enjoy websurfing? No way! my mum warned me to stay away from the net!
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Do you like surfing the net? Oh yes, I've really taken a shine to it. (Moon to Sun)
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How do heavy metal bands surf the web? On the Din-ternet.
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Have you seen www.tomatosauce.com? No, I'll ketchup with it later.
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Have you seen www.topsecret.com? If I have, I'm not going to tell you.
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Have you seen www.usedmatch.com? Yes, but I didn't find it striking.
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Have you seen www.veryangry.com? No, AND STOP ASKING ME STUPID QUESTIONS!
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Have you seen www.yawn.com? Yes, but I'm a bit tired of it.
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Have you heard that there's a new mountain website? Really? I must take a peak at it!
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Have you seen www.hook.com? Yes, it's already caught my eye.
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Have you seen www.indecisive.com? Yes and no.
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Have you seen www.lockeddoor.com? Yes, but I found it very difficult to get into.
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Have you seen www.needleinahaystack.com? Yes, but it took ages to find.
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Have you seen www.pitchdark.com? Yes, but I really couldn't see what all the fuss is about.
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Have you seen www.quasimodo.com? I'm not sure, but certainly rings a bell.
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Have you seen www.quicksand.com? Yes, but it hasn't sunk in yet.
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Have you seen www.shelterfromtherain.com? Yes, but it doesn't really stand out.
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Have you seen www.smallearthquake.com? Yes, its's no great shakes!
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Have you seen www.square.com? No, I haven't got around to it.
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Have you seen www.amnesia.com? Sorry, I just can't remember.
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Have you seen www.apathy.com? No, and quite honestly I can't be bothered.
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Have you seen www.blottingpaper.com? Yes, I found it very absorbing.
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Have you seen www.boomerang .com? Yes, I return to it again and again.
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Have you seen www.brokenglass.com? Yes, but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
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Have you seen www.busfull.com? No, I'm afraid that one passed me by.
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Have you seen www.dustbin.com? Yes, but it's a load of rubbish.
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Have you seen www.stickytape.com? Yes, I can't tear myself away.
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Have you seen www.tame.com? Yes, but I'm not wild about it.
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What do you call an alien surfing the Internet? e-t.
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What sits in the middle of the world wide web ? A very, very big spider !
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PE Teacher: Why did you kick that ball straight at the school computer? Pupil: You told me to put it in the Net.
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What do you get if you type www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.com into your computer? A sore finger.
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Doctor, doctor, I feel like I'm part of the Internet! Well, you do look a site
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Doctor, doctor, should I surf the Internet on an empty stomach? No, you should do it on a computer.
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Do you like web jokes? Yes - they're e-larious!
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How do you fix a broken website? With stick e-tape.
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How do you make rude noises on the Internet? With a whoop e-cushion.
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What did Darth Vader say to the Internet? May the force e-with you.
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What do you call a fire at the Internet cafe? An e-mergency.
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What do you call a ghost on the Internet? e-erie.
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What do you call an Internet mystery? An e-nigma.
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What do you get if you cross an elephant with the Internet? I don't know, but it's e-nourmous.
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What goes round the middle of the Internet? The e-quator.
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What has long ears, hops and likes websurfing? The e-aster bunny.
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Which of the seven dwarfs use the Internet? Happ-e, Sleep-e, Grump-e, Dope-e and Sneez-e.
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Who is the most popular wizard on the Internet? Har e-potter.
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Who looks after the EuroDisney website? Mick e-mouse.
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Who writes all his plays on the Internet? Will-e. Shakespeare.
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Who's the chief of the internet? E-ronimo!
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What do internet football fans sing? E we go E we go, E we go!
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