Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on
the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw
you down, and then you
can pick up the ladder."
you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my
you can climb down on the beam of light."
"What, do you think
I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight
when I'm halfway
Two men were digging a ditch on a very
day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole
ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a
don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we
digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence,"
the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"
said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree
want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch
digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss
removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said,
The ditch digger went back to his hole.
His friend asked, "What did he
say?" "He said we are down here
because of intelligence." "What's
intelligence?" said the friend. T
he ditch digger put his hand on his
face and said, "Take your
shovel and hit my hand."
I saw a pen in a
store the other
day. I picked it up and took a look at it
cause it was prettier than
The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".
I said, "That's too
bad, I can't use it then".
The clerk said, "What's the matter? You
don't like German pens?"
I said, "No. I just never learned to write
Did you hear
about the hillbilly who
went into the hardware store to
buy a chain saw ?
He said I want
one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.
He was back at the
hardware store with the saw a couple days later
complaining that it
cut one tree and that took all day.
The clerk at the hardware
store started the saw to see what the
jumped back and said what the hell is that
She's so stupid she thinks a shoplifter
is a very strong person who goes
round picking up shops.
Fred: Do you think I'm a fool?
Harry: No. But what's my opinion against thousands of others?
you hear about the fool who
keeps going round saying "no"?
Oh, so it's you!
A man went into a pet shop to buy a
parrot. He was
shown an especially fine one which he liked the look
of, but he was
puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its
feet. "What are they
for?" he asked the pet shop manager. "Ah well,
sir," came the reply,
"that's a very unusual feature of this
particular parrot. You see,
he's a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in
the circus. If you pull the
string on his left foot he says
'Hello' and if you pull the string on
his left foot he says 'Goodbye'."
"And what happens if you pull
both strings at once?" "I fall off my
perch, you fool!" screeched the
How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
Did you hear
about the idiot who
made his chickens drink boiling water?
He thought they would lay hard
Did you hear about the village idiot
buying bird seed?
He said he wanted to grow some birds.
I can't understand the critics
saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really
What do you get when you cross an idiot
with a watch?
A cuckoo clock.
Why did the idiot plant nickels in his
He wanted to raise some hard cash.
Two men were knocking in nails to
the sides of a house, one of them kept throwing them away.
you keep throwing nails away" said the other.
"Because they have the
point at the wrong end", he replied
"You fool, we could use those on
the other side of the house!"
What did the stupid ghost do?
used to climb over walls.
What do you call a stupid skeleton?
Did you hear about the stupid wizard?
He couldn't remember if he used to be forgetful.
Did you hear about
He was found in a brick.
What do stupid kids do at Halloween?
They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.
A stupid glazier was examining a broken
window. He looked at it for a while and then said, "It's worse
thought. It's broken on both sides."
My friend is so stupid that he
thinks twice before saying nothing.
Did you hear about the stupid
He saved burned out lightbulbs for use in his darkroom.
I don't know
what it is that makes
you stupid but whatever it is, it works.
friend is so stupid he thinks
that an autograph is a chart showing sales
figures for cars.
An idiotic laborer was told by an
equally idiotic foreman to dig a hole in the road. "And what shall I do
with the earth, sir?" asked the laborer. "Don't be daft, man," he
replied. "Just dig another hole and bury it."
A stupid man was
struggling out of
his house with a big table. His neighbor said to him,
Harry. Where are you going with that then?" And Harry replied,
taking it to the store to have it measured for a new
An Irishman saw a notice outside a
police station which read: MAN
WANTED FOR ROBBERY.
So he went in
and applied for the job!
Did you hear about the idiot
invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?
What do you call an alien
that drips water?
A crying saucer.
Teacher: That's the stupidest boy in
the whole school.
Mother: That's my son.
Teacher: Oh! I'm
Mother: You're sorry?
How do you confuse an idiot?
him two spades and ask him to take his pick.
A man in a swimming
pool was on the
very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and
was about to
dive when the attendant came running up, shouting,
"Don't dive ?
there's no water in that pool!"
"That's all right," said the man.
"I can't swim!"
Did you hear
about the stupid
His horse drowned . . .
Fred: Did you hear about the Irish
cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder?
did the sign say?
Q: How many idiots who ask stupid
questions does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Change it to
Housekeeper: Professor, there's a bill
collector at the door. I told him you were out. But he wouldn't
Professor: No? Then I suppose I'll have to go and
"Say, your house is
"That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new
Loomis: Does your dog have a license?
Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the
Did you hear about the dumb father who
got up and struck a
match to see if he had blown out the candle?
Personnel Director: What would you do
if you broke your arm in two places?
Vanderkron: I wouldn't go
to these places no more!
Did you hear
about the dimwit who
was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for
"Can you read Chinese?" "Yes, but only
when it's printed in
Hatton: I ain't as dumb as I look!
Folsom: You couldn't
Did you hear about the rookie Rhode
Island cop who gave out
twenty-two parking tickets before he found out
he was at a drive-in
Hoot: How the hell can ya be so stupid?
Jessie: Well, it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.
sat down in a Green Bay
restaurant and said to the waitress, "Do you
know whether the milk from
this dairy is pasteurized?"
"Sure is!" she answered. "Every morning
they turn the cows out to
Did you hear about the dimwit who went
to visit his
girlfriend and found she didn't have very much on?
He went back nine months later and she had a little moron.
eight legs and an IQ of
forty? Four guys watching a baseball
Young Bradley arrived at his date's
house wearing a shirt that had water
dripping from it.
"What're you doin'?" asked his girlfriend. "How come your shirt is
"Well," said Bradley, "it said on the label: WASH
Calvin went to Pearson's Pet Shop to
complain that his canary wouldn't sing.
"File the beak just
a little," said the owner, "and the bird will
sing. But if you file
it too much, the canary will die."
Two weeks later Pearson ran
into Calvin on the street and asked about
died," said Calvin.
"But I told you not to file the beak too
"I didn't," explained Calvin, "but by the time I got him
out of the
vise, he was already dead."
Guidry called in Plotke, the painter,
for an estimate to paint his house.
"How much you gonna
charge me?" asked Guidry.
"Twenty dollars an hour," replied Plotke.
"Good Lord!" exclaimed the home owner. "I wouldn't pay
"I tell you one thing, mister," said the
painter. "If that guy you
mentioned is doin' the job for less, he
ain't no member of our
Delmer: How'd you like the play last
night over at the high
Parley: I only seed the first
act, but not the second. Delmer: Why
didn't you stay?
Parley: I couldn't wait that long. It said on the program, 'Two Years
Edney and Cole, two Ohio Edison
electrical repairmen, were
working on a blown house circuit.
Cole!" said Edney. "See those two wires?"
"Now just grab one of them."
Cole grabbed one of the
"Feel anything?" asked his partner.
thing," answered Cole.
"Good!" said Edney. "Don't touch the other
one or you'll drop
Duayne met Patricia Ann from Birmingham
at a Tus-caloosa
They danced every dance
together. When the evening was over, he asked
if he could see her next time
he was in town.
"Yes," replied Patricia Ann shyly.
young man hurriedly took out his pad and pencil and asked,
After a long
embarrassed pause, Duayne asked, "How do yew make a
Rigby drove into the city with his girl
to catch their first play at a theater.
Rigby rushed up to
the box office and said, "Gimme two tickets for
"Sorry," said the box office attendant. "There are no seats
have only two standing rooms left."
"Well, I'll be
hog tied! Only two left in standing room!" said the
farm boy. "Are
Tyfus applied for a job in a factory.
The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked, "Have
eyes ever been checked?"
"No," said the worker.
"They've always been brown."
could talk on any subject
whether he knew anything about it or not. Mostly
he didn't. One day
his neighbor Nibley could stand no more.
"Do you realize,"
asked Nibley, "that you and I know all there is to
"Do you really think so?" said Chaffee. "How do you figure that?"
"Easy," answered Nibley. "You know everything except that you're a
damn idiot. And I know that!"
Wyatt, Milford and Calhoun were
standing one on top of the other trying to measure a flag pole.
man passing by yelled up to them, "Why don't you guys just take
down the pole, lay it down on the ground and measure it?"
don't wanna measure the length, mister!" Wyatt sneered. "We
measure the height!"
Shingles were loose on Pennock's roof,
he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor.
don't you mend the roof?" asked Barton.
"I can't today,"
Pennock replied. "It's pouring rain."
"Well, why don't you patch
it in dry weather."
"It don't leak then!"
An army sergeant told Private Perkins
to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.
thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the NCO.
"Why did you come back?"
"Because there's already somebody
Henderson bought a new
after he left the showroom, decided to catch a movie. When he
out, Henderson noticed he'd locked the car and left the keys in
He telephoned the dealer. "Which is the cheapest
window to break?" he
"You don't have to break any of the
windows," explained the dealer.
"I'll come right down with another
key and we can open it together."
"No, no!" shouted the new car
owner. "I gotta know now! It's about
to rain and I wanna put the
Did you hear about the dumb
who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30
minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?
Did you hear about the
terrorist who switched off the fans of his stolen helicopter
couldn't stand the draft?
The Albanian planted lightbulbs in
He heard that tulips grew from bulbs.
Why are Canadians given only a half
hour for lunch?
They don't want to have to retrain them.
Did you hear about the guy
Newfoundland who was twenty-two years old before he knew which
the olive to throw away?
And then there was the Newfie who was
found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head. He'd
to hang himself with a rubber band.
Did you hear about the Finn who
spent a fortune building a storm cellar in case there was an
Why does the Philippines ban rectal
They cause too much brain damage.
Did you hear about the Mexican
bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.
you hear about the Puerto Rican
secretary who was getting so experienced
she could type twenty
mistakes a minute?
Then there was the Puerto
surgeon who made medical history. He performed the first appendix
Why did Rudolfo salute the box of
Cornflakes in the
Because the label said General
How does a Russian Aeroflot
navigate? By reading street signs.
Carmella and Mario were out on their
first date. "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" asked Carmella.
"No," said Mario. "Who wrote it?"
Iraq has just ordered two
septic tanks from Russia.
As soon as the Iraqis learn to drive
them, they are going to invade
Why can't the Philippines field an ice
hockey team? The players
all drowned in spring training.
How do Filipinos count money?
One-a, two-a, three-a, four-a, another-a ...
What do Filipinos call
Did you hear about the Irishman who
tried to swim the English channel?
Halfway across he decided he
couldn't make it so he swam
Doctor: That deafness cure help your
Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years, and the
after he took that medicine, he heard from America!
"What did Shawn
like most about his
trip to Paris?" "He said it was lovely to hear the
singing the Mayonnaise."
Did you hear about the
bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends
planning to give her a shower?
Did you hear about the Georgia
accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?
Did you hear about the Omaha mother who
got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his
name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?
"How come you're only
half your lawn?" a perplexed tourist asked a Richmond resident.
just heard there was a fifty percent chance of rain."
hear about the Texan who
moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of
Did you hear about the Montana moron
who went looking for a
gas leak with a safety match?
Did you hear about the Murfreesboro
muddlebrain whose father told him about the birds and the bees?
The next day, the Tennessean was stung by a bee and thought he was
How do Alaska CB radio operators say
Treadwell walked into a Biloxi
stationery store and
asked, "Have you got any invisible ink?"
"Certainly sir," said the owner. "What color?"
Did you hear about
bubblebrain who was two hours late for work because the
The teacher asked a Louisiana teenager
to count to
five. The youngster proceeded to count to five on his
Then the teacher asked, "Can you count any higher?"
The boy raised his hands over his head and counted to five
Kowalski and Janzek left Hamtramack and
went out in the woods looking for
looked all day without any luck.
Near nightfall Kowalski finally
said, "Janzek, I'm takin' the next
tree we come to, whether it has
lights on it or not!"
Did you hear about the hillbilly who
asked his friends to give him their burnt-out light bulbs. He wanted
start a dark room.
Four Independence boys, Pugh, Sumter,
Grayson, were walking down a Clay County road when they
came to a high,
solid brick wall. Wondering what was behind it, Pugh,
Sumter and Kilby
boosted Grayson so he could take a look. "Looks
like one of them nudist
camps," reported Grayson. "Men or women?"
asked Pugh. "Can't
tell," said Grayson. "They don't have no clothes
Titus was on a
with several other people. As the elevator moved up,
he stared at
the small fan revolving slowly in the elevator ceiling.
amazing," he said to the other people, "that such a small fan
all these people!"
Did you hear about the idiot who
planted Cheerios in his backyard?
He thought they were donut
Did you hear about the Oklahoma
idiot who married an American Indian? They had a baby and wanted to name
it to reflect both races.
So they called it Running Dummy.
Slim walked into his local post office
and noticed a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN
"Gosh!" he said, "If n only that job was in Texas, Ah'd take
Did you hear about the idiot who filled
out an employment
In the blank labeled "Church
Preference" he filled in: Red
Why did the idiot drive his pickup
truck over the side of the cliff?
He wanted to try out his new air
"Why do rednecks act like
morons?'' "Who says they're acting?"
Jett was trying to
light a match.
He struck the first one and it didn't work, so he threw it
He struck the second match. That didn't work either, so he tossed
Jett struck the third one and it lit up. "That's a good one!"
the idiot, blowing it out.
"Ah'm gonna save it!"
IRS Agent: What's all this? Bracken:
Well, you told me to bring all my records with me and I did.
Here's some by Willie Nelson, Tammy Wynette, and Garth Brooks . .
Melburn was strolling along downtown
Natchez with a framed picture
under his arm. "Hey, what yew got
there?" asked a neighbor. "I dunno
much 'bout art," replied Melburn,
"but Ah just bought me an original
Michelangelo for two hundred
dollars! It's one of the few he ever did in
When a small Montana village decided to
buy a new fire
truck, the town council met to decide what to do
with the old one.
Randall, an old rancher, stood up. "Ah think we
should keep the old
truck," he said.
"We can use it for all
them false alarms!"
Zack and Tybe, two
boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck
They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash,
realized they'd wound up with the same amount of money
"See!" said Tybe. "Ah told yew we
shoulda got a bigger
Mayne and Willard, two idiots, were in
a rowboat on a lake fishing.
Suddenly the spray from a motorboat
racing by flooded their boat.
"How we gonna get the water out?" asked
Mayne. "Easy," said
Willard. "We just bore a hole in the bottom of
the boat and let the water
drain out." The men drilled a hole in
the bottom, and more water started
rushing in. "Wait a minute!"
exclaimed Mayne. "We need another hole
so's the water comin' in
through the first one has a place to go back
into the lake!"
Izzard went into a Baltimore bank to
cash his check. Since he didn't have an account there, the teller
if he could identify himself.
"Sure," said Izzard.
"There a mirror around here?"
"There's one on the wall right
beside you," said the clerk.
Izzard took a glance in the mirror and
heaved a sigh of relief.
"Yep!" he said. "It's me, all
The July temperature in
climbed over the one hundred mark. Despite the scorching heat,
was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to
watch him and then asked, "How cum yer wearin' two jackets?" "
'Cause," said the redneck, "the directions on the can say ta put on two
Kennen was having a drink in a saloon
when his neighbor,
Stakely, came rushing in.
somebody's stealin' yore pickup truck!" the man said
Kennan ran outside, but came back right away.
yew stop him?" asked Stakely.
"Naw!" said the redneck. "He was
too fast. But Ah got his license
plate before he got away!"
During a break on a North Dakota office
building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle.
"Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said.
fer?" asked Pyle.
"Good fer them!" said
the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty
minutes was too long fer an
Police in Oakland, California spent two
hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself
his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come
out and give
I live in a semi-rural area. We
recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The
Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted
them to cross
My neighbor works in the operations
department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the
field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night
he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this
question: "I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal. Do
you guys have a fire downtown?"
was sitting in my science class,
when the teacher commented that the
next day would be the shortest
day of the year. My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering
and clapping. I explained to her that the amount
of daylight changes,
not the actual amount of time. Needless to say,
she was very
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had
interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and
connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed
the copy button
each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
Jim sees his neighbor out back building
a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas
generator and so on. "So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie
"Naw", says the neighbor. "Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker
'cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's
business consultant Ulf af
Trolle labored 11 years on a book about
Swedish economic solutions.
He took the 175-page manuscript to be copied,
only to have it
reduced to 25,000 strips of paper in seconds when a
worker confused the
copier with the shredder.
According to the
Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S.
Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The
bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,
abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the
letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last
shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the
instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was
He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is
someone who keeps track of your
Why did the stupid boy wear a turtle
To hide his flea collar.
A boy went into the local department
store where he saw a sign on the escalator - 'Dogs must be carried
The boy then spent the next tow hours
looking for a dog.
My friend is so silly that he spent two
weeks in a
revolving door looking for the doorknob!
Sister: Why are you putting
saddle on backward ? Brother: How do you know which way I'm going
A guy walking down a street one
afternoon passes an old man sitting
on the side of the road with a large
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the
sack, can I keep one?"
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many
monkeys I got in this
sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"
Why did Silly Sue throw her guitar away
Because it had a hole in the middle.
Did you hear about the stupid
Kamikaze pilot ?
He flew 57 missions !
Why did the idiot have his sundial
So he could tell the time at night !
How do you keep an imbecile
all his life ?
Tell him a joke when he's a baby !
Why did the Aggie call 911 in the
- He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a
An Illinois man pretending to have a
gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw
his own bank accounts.
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia
received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug
week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a
classmate that the
mints would make him "jump higher."
A student in Belle, West Virginia
was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School
principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance"
policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
investigators on Maui have
determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed
a $127,000 home last
month - a short in the homeowner's newly
installed fire prevention
alarm system. "This is even worse than last year,"
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new
After interviewing a particularly
job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather
My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?".
Thinking that he was
just kidding, I played along and said that it was
just south of
Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by
Q: Did you hear about the 25 Irish
people that drowned?
A: They were riverdancing.
Q: Have you heard about the Irish
A: There's a 12-month waiting list.
Two newfies walked into a pet
store. The first says "I want four budgies."
would you like two male and two female or
all male or all female?
Newfie-I don't care. I just want 4 budgies!
sir, what color would you like? We have yellow,
- I don't care what color they are, just put four budgies in a
for me. Is that too hard?
Salesman - O.K. O.K.
The two newfies
pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this
high cliff in
Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box and
two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff
flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom.
newfie looks down at his friend's twisted remains and says
shame. this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to
QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take
his bedroom door off the
hinges and put it to the sid every night
when he goes to sleep?
ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would
look through the
What did the idiot do to the flea in
One idiot said to the other, "You
know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those
can count, and those who can't.
There were two guys working for the
city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill.
men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how
these men were working, but couldn't understand what they
Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger,
"I appreciate how hard you work, but what
are you doing? You dig a
hole and your partner comes behind you and
fills it up
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who
plants the trees is sick today."
An idiot decided to start a chicken
farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he
returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the
lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for
hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I
think I know
where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am
planting them too
Hair and Bald Jokes
Heaven and Hell Jokes
Idiot and Fool Jokes
King Kong Jokes
Knock Knock Jokes
Mental Health Jokes
Movie and TV Jokes
Old Age Jokes
Travel and Tourist Jokes
Various Animal Jokes
Yo Momma Jokes