Humor and jokes - HUMOR

How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You pokemon
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Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?" The man, not wanting to g et the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."
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There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. POOF! A genie popped out of his pocket! The very angry looking Genie said, "All right, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!" The surprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie replied with a smirk, "Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it wou ld take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen." The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women." The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?
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Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
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Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod). When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him. "So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?" "Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now". "Oh yeah? ... so ...?" "Wel l, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained. Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter. "And since dat time I gotta do it dis way". "But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded? "Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ... "Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"
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Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. Judge: What were you doing? 1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond. Judge: And what were you doing? 2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too." Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well? 3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!
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One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
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Two friends: - I heard that you have founded a musical band. - Yes, it is a quartet. - How many are you? - We are three. - Three? - Me and my brother. - You have a brother? - No, why do you ask?
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Two guys are talking: (1) - I've bought a tour to my mother-in-law. (2) - Your mother-in-law???!!! (1) - Why not, to Bagdad.
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A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"
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Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today."
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A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
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A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work. "It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink." His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else." He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"
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Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit. Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit." After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?" "It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."
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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
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How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old the old one is.
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How many architects does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this quiet complicated task.
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How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? Third as many as for a regular bulb.
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How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb? "Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill."
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How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork.
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How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? "I don't know, but I can look it up for you."
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How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Social scientists do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
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How many tax auditors does it take to find a $1.00 mistake in an expense report? Three. One to find the mistake and two to discuss the significance of it.
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How many tax advisors does it take to change a light bulb? "In the summer there is a tax deductible convention in Hawaii, dealing exactly with this issue."
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How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but 200 applied for the job.
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Bill and Steve are enjoying a beer and discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says. "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says. "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve. "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. nThey were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
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A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood. He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."
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Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, e says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
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Three friends were stranded on a desert island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking water, they were beginning to lose heart. Suddenly, a bottle floated into the shore and a beautiful genie popped out. She said "I have three wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true." Friend number one got excited. He said "I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by music, food, and beautiful women." Instantly he was gone, his wish granted. Friend number two smiled and said, "I wish I was back home right now with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our log cabin in the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing Christmas carols together." Just like that, he disappeared. The genie asked the remaining man, "And what do you wish for?" He answered, "Gee, I wish I had my buddies back to help me dec ide..."
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A girl walked over to her neighbor's for her morning chat session. When she got there, her neighbor remarked how tired she looked. "Yeah" she said, "I didn't sleep well last night, I had this really strange dream." "Do tell" said her neighbor, pouring the coffee. "Well, I dreamed I woke up and went downstairs as usual, but when I looked in the mirror my face had turned orange, and my hair was sticking straight up out of my head and was green!" "Sounds like you turned into a punk rocker or something" the neighbor said, with a grin. "No" she said, "It wasn't like that. It was as if I knew something was wrong, but it seemed normal somehow, you know what I mean?" "Sure" said the neighbor, "Everybody's had dreams like that." "Well anyway" she continued, "I decided to go down and get the mail, because even in my dream, I figured I must be dreaming, so what the heck if I was orange, you know? So I walk down and get my mail, and I keep feeling everybody looking at me! "Then I get a good look at myself in the big window in front of the store, and I'll be darned if I wasn't a carrot! It was such a shock I stumbled backwards and got hit by a truck driven by that nice doctor down the street. The last thing I remember before I woke up was him bending over me, telling me his diagnosis." "Wow" laughed the neighbor, "Did you live?" "Yeah, I lived" sighed the girl, "But the doctor said I'd be a vegetable the rest of my life."
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There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemize d accounting of his charges. The engineer responded with the following account: Chalk: $1 Knowing where to put it: $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
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Steve, Bob and Jeff are all working on some very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good with this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do it. After two hours, he returns carrying a six-pack of beer. "So, did you tell her?" Asks Jeff. "Yep." Replies Bob. "Hey, where did you get the six-pack?" "She gave it to me." "What?!" Exclaims Jeff. "You just told her that her husband died, and she gave you a six-pack?!" "Sure. When she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steve's widow. 'Widow?' She said. 'No, no..I'm not a widow. You must be mistaken.' So I said, 'I'll bet you a six-pack you are!'"
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My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting. She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
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My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She's fine. But, the dog died.
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Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper? A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
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I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!
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One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."
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Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick? Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.
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A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
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A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,"Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her."
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The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"
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What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary? An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...
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Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library? Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.
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How do you cook vegatables in the microwave ? Take them out their wheelchair.
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What's blue and sings alone? - Dan Ackroyd.
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Why did the janitor take early retirement? Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.
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What kind of hair do oceans have? ...Wavy hair.
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Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.
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My mother-in-law has got so many double chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of pancakes.
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Q. Why do bakers work so hard? A. Because they need the dough
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After a visit to the circus, Geoff and Don were discussing the thrills and marvels they had seen. "I didn't think much of the knife thrower, did you?" said Geoff. "I thought he was great!" enthused Don. "Well, I didn't," said Geoff. "He kept throwing those knives at that soppy girl but he didn't hit her once."
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Did you hear about the ghoul's favorite hotel? It had running rot and mould in every room.
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What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus? The police made him bring it back again.
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A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He does it with a mirror" or "He's got it up his sleeve." The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence. One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with f uel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up," he squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"
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A gang of witches broke into a blood bank last night and stole a thousand pints of blood. Police are still hunting for the clots.
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At the scene of a bank raid the police officer came running up to his inspector and said, "He got away, sir!" The inspector was furious. "But I told you to put a man on all the exits!" he roared. "How could he have got away?" "He left by one of the entrances, sir!"
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When Fred was applying for a credit card, the manager of the credit card company asked him if he had much money in the bank. "I have," said Fred. "How much?" asked the manager. "I don't know exactly," said Fred, "I haven't shaken it lately."
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Bank manager: I'm sorry, sir, you can't open an account with this sort of money. They're wooden pieces! Lumberjack: But I only want to open a shavings account.
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What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance? Look at it through a magnifying glass.
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A man went in to the bank and asked to see the man who arranged the loans. 'I'm sorry, sir,' said a cashier, 'the loan arranger is out to lunch.' 'Can I speak to Tonto, then?' asked the man.
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Dad, did you manage to fix my toy? No, it's not broken, the battery's flat. Well, what shape should it be?
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What did the bell say when it fell in the water? I'm wringing wet.
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Did you hear about the man who jumped in the Hudson River? He committed sewercide.
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It was so hot when we went on holiday last year that we had to take turns sitting in each other's shadow.
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Clown: Why are you wearing such a large shirt? Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.
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Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
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Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
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Coleman moved to Wyoming and was sitting in the unemployment office applying for a job. "Have you any experience in coal mining?" asked the clerk. "Yeah, in Pennsylvania," he replied. "They're using that new safety lamp down there now, aren't they?" "Ah don't know, mister," said Coleman. "I worked on the day shift."
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Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off...." "Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could youdescribe him? What does he look like?" The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression. "Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?" At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"
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Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
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The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress." the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate it if you left now because my husband will be home any minute." The daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied. "Maybe you should iron it." he replied.
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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough, all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"? "I will if those useless morons at the lumber yard ever bring us the f****** bricks", replied the little girl.
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A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5000. and the interest which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us , is why would you bother to borrow $5000 ?" The woman replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"
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A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"
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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $6,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him 6,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $6,000 in principal, and $18.40 in interest." The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow? The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for t wo weeks and pay only $18.40?"
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At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. He immediately began paying her court and flattering her. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when, after 30 minutes, he seriously proposed marriage. "Look," she reacted. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other." "You're wrong," the young man replied. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
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Q: Why did the clown cross the road? A: To find his rubber chicken.
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Q: Why did the clown wear loud socks? A: So his feet wouldn't fall asleep.
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Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
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An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The heoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."
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A monastery in the English countryside was having a hard time with its cash flow because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work. Then one day two of the monks, who had been discussing the problem, suggested they open a fish and chips stand down on the highway, right next to a scenic vista area popular with tourists. The other monks agreed, and the two put up the stand. One day a tourist who wanted to offer a compliment asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish friar?" "No, sir," retorted the brother, "I'm the chip monk."
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Harry was telling his friend about his holiday in Switzerland. His friend had never been to Switzerland and asked, 'what did you think of the scenery ?' 'Oh, I couldn't see much,' Harry admitted. 'There were all these mountains in the way.'
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The garbage men were just about to leave the street when a girl came running out of the house carrying some cardboard boxes. 'Am I too late for the garbage ?' she called. 'No,' replied one of the men, 'jump right in !'
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What's a cow's favourite love song? When I fall in love , it will be for heifer.
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Freda: Boys whisper they love me. Fred: Well, they wouldn't admit it out loud, would they?
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What do you call an amorous insect? The love bug.
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What did one amorous flea say to the other? I love you aw-flea.
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How did the octopus lovers walk down the road? Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.
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What do lovesick owls say when it's raining? Too-wet-to-woo.
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My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves himself.
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Sharon: I'm so homesick. Sheila: But this is your home! Sharon: I know and I'm sick of it.
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My teacher loves me - she puts kisses against all my sums.
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What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"
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What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!
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"Do you love me more than you love sleep?" "I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"
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What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!
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What is the most romantic city in England? Loverpool!
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Did you hear the one about the phoney Cupid? He was totally bow-gus!
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Why did the kangaroo love the little Australian bear? Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!
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What did one bell say to the other? "Be my valenchime!"
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What happened when the monster kissed his one true love? He left lip prints on the mirror!
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What would you get if you crossed a monster with the god of love? A stupid Cupid!
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What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!"
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A Counselor saw a camper sitting alone. 'Why don't you play with your friends?' he asked. 'Because I only have one friend,' the girl replied. 'And I hate her.'
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Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Don't complain. It only leaks when it rains.
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Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Shh! Don't make such a fuss. Soon everyone will want one.
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Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: That's what we said in the camp ads. Running water in every cabin!
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The Counselor was greeting the new campers. 'So you decided to come to camp,' she said to one. 'Nope,' the camper answered. 'I was sent to camp!'
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The Counselor was talking to the campers about safety. She said 'Don't climb any trees. If you fall down and break a leg, don't come running to me!'
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The head Counselor gathered all the campers together. To get their attention, the Counselor called out, 'Order! Order!' In a flash someone shouted out, 'Hamburger, coke and fries!'
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At the end of camp, Julie won the prize for neatest trunk. Her mother was amazed. 'How did your trunk get so neat?' she asked her messy daughter. 'It was easy,' said Julie. 'I just never unpacked!'
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New camper: I thought you said this camp has no mosquitoes. Old camper: That's right. These mosquitoes come from the camp down the road!
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On the last day of camp everyone was asked the same question: 'What is the best part of the camp?' One wise guy answered, 'Going home!'
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One day the counsellor got a phone call. It was from a camper who had been at camp the summer before. The old camper said, 'I thought of camp yesterday.' 'Why?' the counsellor asked. 'Where were you?' 'At the garbage dump!' the old camper answered.
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Sammy: My parents are sending me to camp. Tammy: Why? Do you need a vacation? Sammy: No. They do!
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Steve wrote home. 'I'm glad you named me Steve,' he said in the letter. 'Why?' asked his mother in her reply. 'Because that's what all the kids at camp call me,' he wrote back.
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Meg's mother was visiting her daughter at camp. 'How did you find the steak dinner?' she asked. 'With a magnifying glass!'
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Pierre was a camper from France. In his honour, Jenny sang a French song in the talent show. But she didn't sing very well. 'Does that make you homesick?' someone asked Pierre. 'No,' he answered. 'Just sick sick!'
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John was hard at work with the broom in his family's tent. His mother came in and said, 'That's nice. Are you sweeping out the tent?' 'No,' John answered. 'I'm sweeping out the dirt.'
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Terry and Debbie were camping with their parents deep in the woods. 'How far is it to town?' Terry wanted to know. 'Six miles,' said Debbie. 'That's too far to walk,' Terry replied. 'It's not too bad,' Debbie said. 'We can each walk three miles!'
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Bob: Did you hear about the camper who was killed by a garter snake? Betty: That's impossible. A garter snake is not poisonous. Bob: It doesn't have to be if it can make you jump off a cliff!
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The Rocky Mountains are very big and far apart. It takes a long time for an echo to bounce back off one of these mountains. One night, a camper in the Rockies went to sleep early. But before climbing into his sleeping bag he yelled, 'Time to get up.' And eight hours later the echo came back and woke him up!
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Dawn was breaking over the camp grounds. Tony and Steve were lying in their tent. 'That was a terrible thunder and lightening storm last night,' Tony announced. Steve turned to him and said, 'Why didn't you wake me up? You know I can't sleep during a storm!'
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Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg? Because they're both cracked!
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How much is 5Q and 5Q? 10Q. "You're welcome. "
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How is a bell obedient? It sounds off only when it is told (tolled).
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Why was the banker bored? Because he lost interest in everything.
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Why can't you keep secrets in a bank? Because of all the tellers.
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What kind of bell doesn't ring? A dumbbell.
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If you need a loan, who do you see in the bank? The Loan Arranger (Lone Ranger).
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What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head ? Sister Matic !
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What do you call a man who cleans out toilets ? Lou !
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What do you call an Igloo without a toilet ? An Ig !
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What do you get if you cross a toilet with a pop singer ? Loo-Loo !
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They're perfectly matched. He's blinded by love and her looks are out of sight !
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What's a cow's favourite love song? When I fall in love, it will be for heifer.
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Who does a ghoul fall in love with? His ghoul friend.
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Where do mermaids go to see movies? ...The dive-in
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How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?" "Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
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A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"
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Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love? A: They got married in the spring.
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Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"
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Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
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What is an archaeologist ? Someone who's career is in ruins !
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So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
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After wedding a young couple rented a town house in a large complex. Concerned about a leak in an upstairs bathroom, young woman called the manager several times, but nothing happened. Finally her husband reached the manager and, noting the seriousness of the problem, said, " My wife is afraid the bathtub will fall through the kitchen." "Oh, no," the manager quickly replied. "The bathtub falls through the living room."
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The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. "Have you ever been x-rayed?", asked the doctor. "Nope," she replied, "But ah've been ultra-violated."
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What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw
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What is the most breathless thing on television ? The Pink Panter Show !
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Why did the teacher decide to become an electrician? To get a bit of light relief.
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Did you hear about the man in the electric chair who asked the executioner to reverse the charges ?
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What do you call a guard with a hundred legs? A sentrypede.
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Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener ? He had a bee in his suit of armour !
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What do you call a bell wearing a tutu ? A bellerina !
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Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone !
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Do you love me? Of course Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear Lemon meringue pie !
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I'm not rich like Jack, don't have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and want to marry you. I love you too, but what was that you said about Martin !
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This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race - so I backed the seventh. Did it win? No, it came seventh.
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What's the difference between a sigh, a car and a monkey? A sigh is oh, dear. A car is too dear. A monkey is you, dear.
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Why was six scared of seven? Because seven ate nine.
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Q: What's black, white and read all over? A: A newspaper.
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What runs all day but never gets tired? Water.
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Q. What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common? A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.
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Q: How many Survivors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to start screwing it in and the rest to vote 'em off the ladder.
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So the bus driver said to the string, "Are you a string?" and the string said, "No, I'm afraid not". (A frayed knot).
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Q: Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the deck!
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Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad? A. All the house plants are dead, but there's something growing in the refrigerator.
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Q. What did Snow white say when her photos didn't come back from the photo store? A. "Some day my prints will come!"
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Q: Why did the haunted house not like rain? A: Because it dampened his spirits.
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Q: What did the hat say to the necktie? A: You go AHEAD I'll HANG AROUND!
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Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
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Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.
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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel. "They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked. "I'm tired of walking everywhere--I want to just ride the horse. The sumo wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse." "But the squirrel?" asked the genie. "I need something to go 'click-click' to start the horse!!!"
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Martin asked David, "In which state does the Ohio River run?" David answered with cool, "In the liquid state."
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A man walks into a palm reader store and asks the reader, "Could you read my palm?" He shows his hand to her, and she says, "But...I can't read your hand." "Why?" the man asks. "I don't understand your handwriting," the woman replies.
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A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a friend asked, "how much did you pay for that?" "I paid through the nose!" he replied
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A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
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Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?
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Q: Where do people who say "shoot" and "darn" go to? A: Heck
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Q. What do you call a ginger bread man wit one leg? A. Limp biskit
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Do you know the difference between genius and stupid? "Genius has its limits."
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What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care!
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Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong? Because the rest are weekdays.
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Q. What did dela wear?(Delaware) A. Her New Jersey
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Q. Have you heard the latest scandal? A. Dr. Pepper was drunk at a party.
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Q. Why did the belt go to jail? A. Because he held up a pair of pants!
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Q. What is the bigest pencil in the world? A. Pennsylvania
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Question: What goes up and never comes down? Answer: Up
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Q: What did the cook say to the dough? A: I "NEED" you!
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What do you call a tube with a degree? A graduated cylinder.
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Why did the boxer date the pretty girl? Because she was a knockout!
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What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool? Show me your mussels.
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Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation? To Palm Beach.
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Q: Why don't you wear snow boots? A: Because they'll melt.
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Q: Why did the Mummy go to the bathroom? A: To wrap itself in toilet paper!
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Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A. He didn't have the guts too
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Which painter always had a very bad cold? Vincent Van Cough
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Mad men are given a test to prove they are getting normal their teacher draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out. They tart fighting but one remains sitting and the teacher goes to him and asks why he didn't join others and he says "let them fight they forgot I have the keys"
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