How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and
he decided to get out
and get some fresh air.
He got out,
and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon
Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No
So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started
to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No
sound. As he
searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over
hole, and shoved it in. No sound.
He sat down on the ground,
exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running
at him, full speed. He
leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in
the hole. He listened,
but there was no sound.
He sat down again. A few minutes later,
a farmer came walking up. The
man asked him, "How deep is this
hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats
the bottomless pit. It never ends.
Say, have you seen my prize goat?"
The man, not wanting to g
et the blame, said, "No." The farmer said,
"Oh well. He can't get
far. He was tied to a railroad beam."
was a guy walking down the street in
San Francisco, and he tripped over
an old looking oil lamp.
He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was
While he was running to the antique shop to cash
this puppy in, it
rubbed against his shirt.
POOF! A genie
popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "All
right, I have had enough with
this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you
stole me away from my HBO Special,
I will only give you one wish!"
The surprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge
on the beach with three million dollars in the master
bedroom, but I am
afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a
bridge from here to
The genie replied with a smirk,
"Are you crazy? Do you know how long
that will take, with the pillars
going down to the bottom of the ocean,
all the cement it wou
ld take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just
The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?
and Matthew Watson were on a
camping and hiking trip. They had gone to
bed and were lying there
looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson,
look up. What do you
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does
that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another
nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?"
me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Big Louie the
Torpedo was becoming
increasingly curious about one of the newer members of
his mob, Benny the
Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in
another part of
the country. During that time he had garnered quite a
for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man
was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for
last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket -
clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the
When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was
put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of
yours, eh? Like,
are you scared or somethin' or you just want to
always be ready or
"Not scared ..." Benny growled,
"been doin' it dis way ever since
me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout
ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
l, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He
never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept
me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in,
expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do
it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to
nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"
Three men stood before a judge on a charge of
drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.
were you doing?
1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the
Judge: And what were you doing?
2nd man: I was throwing
peanuts in the pond, too."
Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you
throwing peanuts in the pond
3rd man: No, sir. I AM
One afternoon, a man was riding in
of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why
are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any
money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the
car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir,
you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied
"No, you don't understand, the grass at my home
is about three
Two friends: - I heard that you have
a musical band.
- Yes, it is a quartet.
- How many are you?
We are three.
- Me and my brother.
- You have a
- No, why do you ask?
Two guys are talking:
(1) - I've bought a
tour to my mother-in-law.
(2) - Your mother-in-law???!!!
(1) - Why
not, to Bagdad.
A newlywed couple, after bringing their
luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in
tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the
groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a
for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a
Two women were sitting by the pool, and one
asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh
sea water? The cruise director answered,
"Sea water." "Oh, that
explains why it's so rough
A man was given the job of painting the white
lines down the
middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six
miles; the next
day three miles; the following day less than a mile.
When the foreman
asked the man why he kept painting less each day,
he replied "I just
can't do any better. Each day I keep getting
farther away from the paint
A man is hired by the circus to perform a
necessary but rather
unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the
elephants in the center
ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they
walk about. After a
rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the
circus cafeteria, sits with
other workers, and begins complaining
about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those
huge beasts and first
dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they
produce. My arms are tired,
my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll
have to shower before I return
home, because of the
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable
job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some
and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I
just can't give up the glamour of show business!"
Abraham wanted a
new suit, so he bought a
nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a
tailor. The first
tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured
Abraham, then told
him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy
with this opinion and sought another tailor. This
Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and
is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a
please come back in a week to take your suit."
After a week Abraham
came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's
trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just
how could you
make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when
tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the
tailor, "The other tailor has two
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert
in Israel and
came upon a casket containing a mummy. After
examining it, he called
the curator of a prestigious natural-history
museum. "I've just
discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died
of heart failure!" the
excited scientist exclaimed.
the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A
later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were
about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
Shekels on Goliath'."
How many archaeologists does it take to change a
Three. One to change it while the other two argue
about how old the old
How many architects does it take to change a
Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals
doing this quiet complicated task.
How many brewers does it take to
Third as many as for a regular bulb.
How many cashiers does it take
to change a
"Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar
many civil servants does it take to
change a light bulb? Twelve. One to
change the bulb, and eleven to do
How many librarians does it take to screw in a
"I don't know, but I can look it up for you."
How many social
scientists does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. Social scientists do not change light
bulbs; they search for the
root cause as to why the last one went
How many tax auditors
does it take to find a
$1.00 mistake in an expense report?
Three. One to find the mistake
and two to discuss the significance of
How many tax advisors does it take to change a
"In the summer there is a tax deductible convention in
exactly with this issue."
How many applicants does it take to change
light bulb? Only one, but 200 applied for the job.
Bill and Steve are enjoying a beer and
discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times,"
"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing
to do with me," Bill says.
"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.
"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I
cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand
"Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.
"No, that was
lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a
woman while I was on a
cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great
and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her
ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my
"Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve.
"No. That was
motion sickness!" Bill replies.
A wife and her
husband were having a dinner
party for all the major status figures in Rome,
wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be
perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to
beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out
the door, down the steps, and out to the
beach. As he was collecting
the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
walking alongside the
water just a little further down the beach. He kept
thinking to himself
"Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come
down and talk to
me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he
looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing
right over him. They
got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
nThey were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started
messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted
and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next
morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!
My wife's dinner party!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed
bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all
the way to his apartment. He ran up the
stairs of his apartment. He
was in such a hurry that when he got to the top
of the stairs, he
dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the
stairs. The door opened just then, with
a very angry wife standing in
the door way wondering where he's been
all this time.
looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back
at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
young man was strolling down a street. As
he passed a large building with
a fence around it, he heard a group
of people chanting "Thirteen,
thirteen, thirteen" over and over
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then
a hole in the wood.
He put his eye to the hole.
He just managed to spy some old people
sitting in deckchairs
chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and
poked him in the eye. As
he staggered back, the old people started
Once there was a millionaire
who had a
collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the
back of his
mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who
single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party
announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here.
I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim
across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon
he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.
guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he
cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming
man makes it
to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so
impressed, e says,
"My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't
think it could be
done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain.
Which do you want, my
daughter or the one million dollars?" The
man says, "Listen, I don't want
your money. I don't want your
daughter, either. I want the person who
pushed me in that water!"
Three friends were stranded on a desert
island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking water, they were
beginning to lose heart.
Suddenly, a bottle floated into the
shore and a beautiful genie popped
out. She said "I have three
wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can
make one wish come true."
Friend number one got excited. He said "I wish I was in Las Vegas
dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by
and beautiful women." Instantly he was gone, his wish
Friend number two smiled and said, "I wish I was back home
with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our
log cabin in
the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing
together." Just like that, he disappeared.
The genie asked the remaining man, "And what do you wish for?"
answered, "Gee, I wish I had my buddies back to help me
A girl walked over to her neighbor's for her
morning chat session. When she got there, her neighbor remarked how
"Yeah" she said, "I didn't sleep well
last night, I had this really
"Do tell" said
her neighbor, pouring the coffee.
"Well, I dreamed I woke up and
went downstairs as usual, but when I
looked in the mirror my face
had turned orange, and my hair was sticking
straight up out of my
head and was green!"
"Sounds like you turned into a punk rocker
or something" the neighbor
said, with a grin.
"No" she said,
"It wasn't like that. It was as if I knew something
was wrong, but
it seemed normal somehow, you know what I mean?"
the neighbor, "Everybody's had dreams like that."
she continued, "I decided to go down and get the mail,
in my dream, I figured I must be dreaming, so what the
if I was orange, you know? So I walk down and get my mail, and I keep
feeling everybody looking at me!
"Then I get a good look at
myself in the big window in front of the
store, and I'll be darned
if I wasn't a carrot! It was such a shock I
stumbled backwards and
got hit by a truck driven by that nice doctor
down the street. The
last thing I remember before I woke up was him
bending over me,
telling me his diagnosis."
"Wow" laughed the neighbor, "Did you
"Yeah, I lived" sighed the girl, "But the doctor said I'd
vegetable the rest of my life."
There was an engineer who had an
gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the
fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired
engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The
engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying
the huge machine. At the end of the day, he
marked a small "x" in
chalk on a particular component of the machine and
"This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the
machine worked perfectly again. The
company received a bill for
$50,000 from the engineer for his service. They
demanded an itemize
d accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded with the
Knowing where to put it:
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in
Bob and Jeff are all working on some
very high scaffolding. Suddenly,
Steve falls off and is killed
instantly. After the ambulance leaves with
Steve's body, Bob and Jeff
realise they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good with
this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers
to do it. After two
hours, he returns carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So, did you tell
her?" Asks Jeff. "Yep." Replies Bob. "Hey, where did
you get the
six-pack?" "She gave it to me." "What?!" Exclaims
Jeff. "You just told
her that her husband died, and she gave you a
When she answered the door, I asked her whether she was
widow. 'Widow?' She said. 'No, no..I'm not a widow. You
mistaken.' So I said, 'I'll bet you a six-pack you
My mother-in-law is like a fine French
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a
mother-in-law was bitten by a dog
How is she now ?
She's fine. But, the dog died.
Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with
A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
I used to not get on with my
but over the last few months
I've developed quite an attachment
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin
to keep her
One day a wife complained, "This wall clock
killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up
from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock
Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies
today. Would you like to
Son-in-law: No thanks.
I'll just use the hammer.
A woman reported
the disappearance of her
husband to the police. The
officer looked at the guy's photograph,
questioned her, and then asked
she wanted to give her husband
any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him
Mother didn't come after
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother
he's fallen in love
and going to get married. He says, "Just for
fun, Ma, I'm going
to bring over three women and you try and guess
which one I'm
going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day,
he brings three beautiful women
into the house and sits them down on
the couch and they chat for
He then says,"Okay, Ma.
Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The
red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did
"I don't like her."
The young wife was in tears when she opened
the door for her
husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your
"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a
hundred miles away."
"I know, but a letter came for you this morning
and I opened it."
He looked stern, "I see, but where does the
insult come in?"
"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear
forget to give this letter to George.'"
What is the difference
between a English
actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
An English actuary can tell you how
many people are going to die next
year. A Sicilian actuary can give
you their names...
Did you hear
about the fire in the rednecks
library? Both the books got burned, and one
hadn't even been
coloured in yet.
How do you cook vegatables in the
? Take them out their wheelchair.
What's blue and sings alone? - Dan
Why did the janitor take early retirement?
Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.
What kind of hair do
Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your
bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.
My mother-in-law has got
so many double
chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of
Q. Why do bakers work so hard? A. Because they
need the dough
After a visit to the circus, Geoff and Don were
discussing the thrills and marvels they had seen. "I didn't think
the knife thrower, did you?" said Geoff. "I thought he was
enthused Don. "Well, I didn't," said Geoff. "He kept
knives at that soppy girl but he didn't hit her
Did you hear
about the ghoul's favorite
hotel? It had running rot and mould in every
What happened to the wizard who ran away with
The police made him bring it back again.
A magician was employed by a
to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain
parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by
magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He
does it with a mirror" or "He's got it up his sleeve." The magician
was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he
was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he
One evening as the magician worked, the
parrot continued to harass the
unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into
a mine which had become
detached from the sea floor after a storm.
The explosion tore the bow off the
ship which sank within a few
minutes. Amid the wreckage and the
lifeboats, the magician sat on one
end of a table from the first class dining
room. At the other end
sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his
feathers caked with f
uel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently
nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across
table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up,"
squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"
A gang of witches broke into a blood bank last
night and stole a thousand pints of blood.
Police are still
hunting for the clots.
At the scene of a bank raid
officer came running up to his inspector and said, "He got
The inspector was furious. "But I told you to put a man on all the
exits!" he roared. "How could he have got away?"
"He left by one
of the entrances, sir!"
When Fred was applying for
a credit card,
the manager of the credit card company asked him if he
had much money
in the bank. "I have," said Fred.
"How much?" asked the manager.
"I don't know exactly," said Fred, "I haven't shaken it
Bank manager: I'm sorry, sir, you can't open
an account with this
sort of money. They're wooden pieces!
Lumberjack: But I only want to open a shavings account.
best way to increase the size of
your bank balance? Look at it through a
A man went in to the bank and asked to see the
man who arranged the loans.
'I'm sorry, sir,' said a
cashier, 'the loan arranger is out to
'Can I speak
to Tonto, then?' asked the man.
Dad, did you manage to
fix my toy? No, it's
not broken, the battery's flat. Well, what shape
should it be?
What did the bell say when it fell in the water?
I'm wringing wet.
Did you hear about the man who jumped in the
He committed sewercide.
It was so hot when we went on holiday last
year that we had to take turns sitting in each other's shadow.
Clown: Why are you wearing such a large
Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.
Q: How many Mafia
hitmen does it take to
change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and
one to shoot the
Q: How many circus performers does it take to
change a lightbulb ?
A: Four: One for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and
four to go!
A: Four. One to change the
bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
moved to Wyoming and was sitting in
the unemployment office applying for a
job. "Have you any
experience in coal mining?" asked the clerk.
"Yeah, in Pennsylvania," he
replied. "They're using that new safety lamp
down there now, aren't
they?" "Ah don't know, mister," said
Coleman. "I worked on the day
Seems a guy was driving for hours
desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could
cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat.
of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove
back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came
to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat
front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I
might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead
"Not so fast", says she. "How do
you know it was our cat? Could
youdescribe him? What does he look
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He
thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he
like*before* you hit him?"
At that, the man got
up, covered his eyes with both hands and
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the
married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped
into the house
to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the
"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.
waiting for my husband to come home from work." the
"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my
dress." the daughter-in-law replied.
"LOVE DRESS! You
are naked." said the mother-in-law
"But my husband loves it
when I wear this dress. It makes him happy
and he makes me happy."
said the daughter-in-law.
"I would appreciate it if you left now
because my husband will be home
any minute." The daughter-in-law
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law
left. On the
way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an
She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume
and waited by the
door for her husband to come home.
Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place
by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his
wife naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied.
you should iron it." he replied.
A young family moved into a
house next door
to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up
building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old
daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next
door and started talking with the
workers. She hung around and
eventually the construction crew - gems in the
rough, all of them - more
or less adopted her as a kind of project
mascot. They chatted with
her, let her sit with them while they had coffee
breaks,and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
At the end of the first week they even presented her with
envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home
to her mother who
said all the appropriate words of admiration and
suggested that they
take the dollar pay she had received to the
bank the next day to start a
got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check
at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've
been working with a crew
building a house all week". "My goodness
gracious", said the teller,
"and will you be working on the house
again this week too"?
"I will if those useless morons at the lumber
yard ever bring us the
f****** bricks", replied the little girl.
A woman walks into a bank
in New York City
and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to
business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer
says the bank will need some kind of security for such
a loan, so the
woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked
street, in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank
agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan.
employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5000.
and the interest
which is $15.41.
The loan officer says,
"We are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction
has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you
were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us , is why would you bother to borrow
The woman replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my
car for 2
weeks for $15.00?"
A young banker decided to get his first tailor
suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured
suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put
on the suit
and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can
do business. As
he was preening himself in front of the mirror he
reached down to put
his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he
noticed that there were
no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor
who asked him, "Didn't
you tell me you were a banker?" The young
man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard
of a banker with his hands in
his own pockets?"
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove
his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for
immediate loan of $6,000. The loan officer was quite taken a
requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my
Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car
driven into the
bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave
him 6,000. Two
weeks later, the man walked through the bank's
doors, and asked to settle
up his loan and get his car back. The loan
officer checked the records
and told him, "That will be $6,000 in
principal, and $18.40 in
interest." The man wrote out a check,
thanked the loan officer, and started
to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan
officer said, "while you were
gone, I found out you are a
millionaire. Why in the world would you need to
borrow? The man smiled.
"Where else could I securely park my
Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for t
wo weeks and pay only $18.40?"
country-club party a young man was
introduced to an attractive girl. He
immediately began paying her court
and flattering her. The girl liked the young
man, but she was taken
a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was
after 30 minutes, he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she reacted.
"We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure?
nothing about each other." "You're wrong," the young man
the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your
has his account."
Q: Why did the clown cross the road? A: To
find his rubber chicken.
Q: Why did the clown wear loud socks? A: So
his feet wouldn't fall asleep.
Standing at the edge of the lake, a
a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the
screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife
is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a
hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful
strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,
where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw
down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But
this is my
mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and
said, "Just my
luck. How much do I owe you?"
An engineer, an experimental physicist, a
theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of
Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the
black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep
are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are
replies the experimental physicist. The heoretical physicist
for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the
sheep in Scotland is
black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one
A monastery in the English countryside was
having a hard time with its
cash flow because of the dwindling number of
monks available to help
with all the work. Then one day two of the
monks, who had been discussing
the problem, suggested they open a
fish and chips stand down on the
highway, right next to a scenic
vista area popular with tourists. The
other monks agreed, and the two
put up the stand. One day a tourist who
wanted to offer a
compliment asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish
friar?" "No, sir,"
retorted the brother, "I'm the chip
Harry was telling his friend about his holiday
in Switzerland. His friend
had never been to Switzerland and asked,
'what did you think of the
'Oh, I couldn't see
much,' Harry admitted. 'There were all these
mountains in the
The garbage men were just about to leave the
street when a girl came running out of the house carrying some
'Am I too late for the garbage ?' she
'No,' replied one of the men, 'jump right in !'
What's a cow's
When I fall in love , it will be for heifer.
Freda: Boys whisper they love me.
they wouldn't admit it out loud, would they?
What do you
call an amorous insect?
What did one amorous flea say to the other?
love you aw-flea.
How did the octopus lovers walk down the
Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.
lovesick owls say when it's
My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble
is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves
Sharon: I'm so homesick.
Sheila: But this is
Sharon: I know and I'm sick of it.
My teacher loves me - she puts
against all my sums.
What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
love you with all my art!"
What does a man who loves his car do
He gives it a valenshine!
"Do you love me more than you love sleep?"
can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"
What do you call two
birds in love?
What is the most romantic city in England?
Did you hear the one about the phoney Cupid?
He was totally bow-gus!
Why did the kangaroo love the little
Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!
What did one bell say to the other?
What happened when the monster kissed his one
He left lip prints on the mirror!
What would you get if you crossed a
with the god of love?
A stupid Cupid!
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
"I love you a ton!"
A Counselor saw a camper sitting alone. 'Why
don't you play with your friends?' he asked.
'Because I only
have one friend,' the girl replied. 'And I hate
Camper: There's a leak over my
Counselor: Don't complain. It only leaks when it rains.
There's a leak over my
Counselor: Shh! Don't make such a fuss. Soon everyone will want
Camper: There's a leak over my
Counselor: That's what we said in the camp ads. Running water in every
The Counselor was greeting the new
'So you decided to come to camp,' she said to one.
camper answered. 'I was sent to camp!'
was talking to the campers
She said 'Don't climb any trees. If you fall down and
break a leg,
don't come running to me!'
The head Counselor gathered all the campers
together. To get their attention, the Counselor called out, 'Order!
In a flash someone shouted out, 'Hamburger, coke and
end of camp, Julie won the prize for
neatest trunk. Her mother was
'How did your trunk get
so neat?' she asked her messy daughter.
'It was easy,' said Julie.
'I just never unpacked!'
New camper: I
thought you said this camp has
Old camper: That's right. These mosquitoes come from
the camp down the
On the last day of camp everyone was asked the
'What is the best part of the camp?'
guy answered, 'Going home!'
One day the counsellor got a
phone call. It
was from a camper who had been at camp the summer before.
camper said, 'I thought of camp yesterday.'
'Why?' the counsellor
asked. 'Where were you?'
'At the garbage dump!' the old camper
Sammy: My parents are sending me to
Tammy: Why? Do you need a vacation?
Sammy: No. They do!
Steve wrote home. 'I'm glad you named me
Steve,' he said in the letter.
'Why?' asked his mother in her
'Because that's what all the kids at camp call me,' he wrote
Meg's mother was visiting her daughter at camp.
'How did you find
the steak dinner?' she asked.
Pierre was a camper from France. In his
honour, Jenny sang a French song in the talent show. But she didn't
sing very well.
'Does that make you homesick?' someone asked
'No,' he answered. 'Just sick sick!'
John was hard at work with
the broom in his
His mother came in and said, 'That's nice. Are you
sweeping out the
'No,' John answered. 'I'm sweeping
out the dirt.'
Terry and Debbie were camping with their parents
deep in the woods.
'How far is it to town?' Terry wanted to
'Six miles,' said Debbie.
'That's too far to walk,'
'It's not too bad,' Debbie said. 'We can each walk
Bob: Did you hear about the camper who was
killed by a garter snake?
Betty: That's impossible. A garter snake is
Bob: It doesn't have to be if it can make you jump off
Rocky Mountains are very big and far
apart. It takes a long time for an
echo to bounce back off one of
One night, a camper in the Rockies went to sleep early.
climbing into his sleeping bag he yelled, 'Time to get
And eight hours later the echo came back and woke him up!
breaking over the camp grounds.
Tony and Steve were lying in their tent.
'That was a terrible thunder
and lightening storm last night,' Tony
to him and said, 'Why didn't you wake me up? You know I
sleep during a storm!'
Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped
Because they're both cracked!
How much is 5Q and 5Q? 10Q. "You're welcome.
How is a bell obedient? It sounds off only when
it is told
Why was the banker bored? Because he lost
Why can't you keep secrets in a bank? Because
of all the
What kind of bell doesn't ring?
If you need a loan, who do you see in the
The Loan Arranger (Lone Ranger).
What do you call a nun with a
machine on her head ?
Sister Matic !
What do you call a man who cleans out toilets
What do you call an Igloo without a toilet ? An
you get if you cross a toilet with a
pop singer ? Loo-Loo !
They're perfectly matched. He's blinded by
love and her looks are out of sight !
What's a cow's favourite love
When I fall in love, it will be for heifer.
Who does a ghoul fall in
Where do mermaids go to see movies?
How many bankers does it take to change a light
Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the
combination.the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife
said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we
for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied,
about a chair?!?"
Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in
A: They got married in the spring.
Two cannibals just finished a big
one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist
know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I
have to walk by
What is an archaeologist ? Someone who's career
is in ruins !
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down
the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was
the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He
bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well
now, where's my bucket and where's my
water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole,
Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind
that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for
a few years now,
and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as
scared of you
as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if
scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come
After wedding a young couple rented a town house
in a large complex.
Concerned about a leak in an upstairs bathroom,
young woman called the
manager several times, but nothing happened.
Finally her husband reached the manager and, noting the seriousness
the problem, said, " My wife is afraid the bathtub will fall
"Oh, no," the manager quickly replied. "The
bathtub falls through
the living room."
The young Southern belle came to the hospital
check-up. "Have you ever been x-rayed?", asked the doctor.
she replied, "But ah've been ultra-violated."
What do you use to cut the ocean? A
What is the most breathless thing on television
? The Pink Panter Show
Why did the teacher decide to become an
electrician? To get a bit of
Did you hear about the man in the electric chair
asked the executioner to reverse the charges ?
What do you call a guard
with a hundred
legs? A sentrypede.
Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin
opener ? He had a bee in his suit of armour !
What do you call a bell
wearing a tutu
A bellerina !
Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow.
woke up my pillow was gone !
Do you love me?
something soft and sweet in my ear
Lemon meringue pie !
I'm not rich like Jack, don't have a mansion
like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and
I love you too, but what was that you said about
This morning I felt that today was going to be
my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket,
were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the
o'clock race - so I backed the seventh.
Did it win?
it came seventh.
What's the difference between a sigh, a car and
a monkey? A sigh is oh, dear. A car is too dear. A monkey is you,
Why was six scared of seven? Because seven ate
black, white and read all over?
A: A newspaper.
What runs all day but
never gets tired?
Q. What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden
have in common? A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.
How many Survivors does it take to screw
in a light bulb? A: One to
start screwing it in and the rest to
vote 'em off the ladder.
So the bus
driver said to the string, "Are
you a string?" and the string said,
"No, I'm afraid not". (A frayed
Q: Why couldn't the animals
on Noah's Ark
play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the
Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad? A.
All the house plants are
dead, but there's something growing in the
Q. What did Snow white say when her photos
didn't come back from the photo store?
A. "Some day my prints will
Q: Why did the haunted house not
A: Because it dampened his spirits.
Q: What did the hat
say to the necktie? A:
You go AHEAD I'll HANG AROUND!
Q: How many
existentialists does it take to
screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw
it in and one to
observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single
of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless
reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Q: Why did the
scientist install a knocker
on his door? A: To win the no-bell
The strong young man at the construction site
was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After
minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you
money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's
wages that I
can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
outbuilding that you
won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old
man," the braggart
replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man
reached out and grabbed
the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding
to the young man, he
said, "All right. Get in."
The world's most incredibly lazy man found
a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three
wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel.
"They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked.
of walking everywhere--I want to just ride the horse. The
wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse."
squirrel?" asked the genie.
"I need something to go 'click-click'
to start the
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun
contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least
one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Martin asked David, "In which
state does the
Ohio River run?" David answered with cool, "In the liquid
A man walks into a palm reader store and asks
"Could you read my palm?" He shows his hand to her, and
"But...I can't read your hand."
"Why?" the man
"I don't understand your handwriting," the woman replies.
A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a
friend asked, "how much did you pay for that?"
"I paid through the
nose!" he replied
A guy goes to a girl's house
for the first
time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses
to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's
standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to
the kitchen to get an
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I
have to walk by you
Q: Where do people who say "shoot" and "darn" go
Q. What do you call a ginger bread man wit one
leg? A. Limp
Do you know the difference between genius and
stupid? "Genius has its limits."
What's the difference between
indifference? I don't know and I don't care!
Saturday and Sunday so strong?
Because the rest are weekdays.
Q. What did
dela wear?(Delaware) A. Her New
Q. Have you heard the latest
scandal? A. Dr.
Pepper was drunk at a party.
Q. Why did the belt go to jail?
A. Because he
held up a pair of pants!
Q. What is the bigest pencil
in the world?
Question: What goes up and never comes
Q: What did the cook say to the dough? A: I
What do you call a tube with a degree? A
Why did the boxer date the pretty girl? Because
she was a knockout!
What did one rock pool say to the other rock
pool? Show me your mussels.
Where did the fortune-teller go on her
To Palm Beach.
Q: Why don't you wear snow boots? A: Because
Q: Why did the Mummy go to the bathroom? A: To
wrap itself in
Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A.
He didn't have the guts too
Which painter always had a very bad cold?
Vincent Van Cough
Mad men are given a test to prove they are
normal their teacher draws a door on the wall and orders them to
They tart fighting but one remains sitting and the
teacher goes to him
and asks why he didn't join others and he says
"let them fight they
forgot I have the keys"
Hair and Bald Jokes
Heaven and Hell Jokes
Idiot and Fool Jokes
King Kong Jokes
Knock Knock Jokes
Mental Health Jokes
Movie and TV Jokes
Old Age Jokes
Travel and Tourist Jokes
Various Animal Jokes
Yo Momma Jokes