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...A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. "What's wrong?" asked his mother. "Do people really come from dust, like they said in church?" he sobbed. "In a way they do," said his mother. "And when they die so they turn back to dust?" "Yes, they do." The little boy began to cry again. "Well, under my bed there's someone either coming or going."... Rakeback poker

A casino dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight." Slots Casino

Humor and jokes



A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert. When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?'' The animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.'' The man asks,''What is the gun for?'' The animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!'''
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Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree? A: A gorilla with a machine gun.
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Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree ? A: Because it was dead.
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Q: Why are gorillas so noisy? A: They were raised in a zoo!
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Q: What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender? A: Rhesus Pieces.
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Q. Why does Rilla get mad when he's in a race? A. Because all his friends shout, "GO-RILLA!"
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Do you know a favourite expression used by the Gorillas? Apesy daisy!
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Do Apes kiss? Yes, but never on the first date!
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How come the giant Ape climbed up the side of the skyscraper? The elevator was broken!
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How did a Gorilla come to be with Washington at Valley Forge? He had seen a sign saying, 'Uncle Simian Wants You!'
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How did Gertie Gorilla make the 'Playboy' Calendar? She was 'Miss Ape-ril!'
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How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
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How did the dog warn its master that a Gorilla was approaching? He barked g-r-r-r-illa!
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How did the obscene telephone caller get attacked by the Gorilla? He made a mistake and dialled a preyer!
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How do we know that Apes are like fish after a rainstorm? They'll both bite at anything!
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How do you make a Gorilla float? Two scoops of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla!
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How do you make a Gorilla laugh? Tell it an elephant joke!
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How do you make a Gorilla stew? You keep it waiting for three hours!
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How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
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How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes? Hold up your arm and say 'Go back, you didn't say 'May I?''
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How does a Gorilla become another animal? When a Mafia don hires a 'big Gorilla' to be his bodyguard and the big Ape goes to the cops and turns into a stool pigeon!
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If George Raft's wife gave birth to twin Gorillas, would they be the Apes of Raft?
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If you put 30 female Apes and 30 male Apes in a bedroom, what do you have? A very large bedroom.
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If you throw a great Ape into one of the Great Lakes, what will it become? Wet!
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What did George Washington have to do with Gorillas? As little as possible, dummy!
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What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming? Paul, stop monkeying around!
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What did the Gorilla call his first wife? His prime-mate!
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What did the Gorilla do when he saw the sign, 'Clean Washroom'? He cleaned it!
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What did the great Ape say as he plummeted from the skyscraper? Listen baby, I think I'm falling for you!
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What did the great Ape shout to the pilots who tried to shoot him off the skyscraper? Listen, hotshots, don't monkey around with me!
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What do they feed a gorilla when he goes to Paris? Ape Suzettes!
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What do you feed a 600 pound Gorilla? Anything it wants!
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What does a Gorilla attorney study? The Law of the jungle!
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What does a Gorilla learn first in school? The Apey-cees!
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What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl? I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!
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What gives a gorilla good taste? Four years in an Ivy League school!
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What happened when the Ape won the door prize? He didn't take it - he already had a door!
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What happens if you cross a parrot with a Gorilla? Nobody is sure, but if it opened its mouth to speak, you'd listen!
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What happens if you cross an Ape with an octopus? You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves!
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What happens when you throw one banana to two hungry Apes? A banana split!
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What is the Ape monster's name? Godzilla Gorilla!
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What political party entices most Gorillas? The Treepublican Party!
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What would happen if you crossed Magilla Gorilla with a Saint Bernard? It would drink the brandy it would carry and act like a big Gorilla!
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What's black, brown and white, black, brown and white, brown and white, etc.? A Gorilla riding down a snowbank!
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What's black, hairy, and writes under water? A ball-point gorilla!
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What's hairy and flies through the air? Jonathan Livingstone Gorilla!
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When did the Gorillas start to picket the cookie factory? The day they started to manufacture animal crackers!
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When the lumberjacks sawed down the tree, where did the Gorilla hiding in the uppermost branches land? Nearby - the Ape-lle doesn't fall far from the tree!
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Where did the Gorilla play baseball? In the bush leagues,of course!
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Which author do the Gorillas love most? Joh Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath!'
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Which book makes prudish Gorillas blush? The Naked Ape!
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Which city holds the record for the most suicides committed by a Gorilla jumping off a tall building? Fall-adelphia!
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Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy? An ape-ricot sour!
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Which is the favourite Gorilla proverb? A fiend in need is a fiend indeed!
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Which operetta make the Gorilla crack up? Nutty Marietta!
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Which song title makes an Ape heartsick? Gorilla My Dreams!
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Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
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Which two names figure prominently in every Ape's diet? Ben/Anna!
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Which wrestler do the Gorillas admire most? Gorilla Monsoon - he knows the ropes!
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Who is the Gorillas' favourite playwright? Eugene O'Neill - who wrote 'The Hairy Ape!'
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Who is the Gorillas' favourite President of recent years? Hairy Truman!
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Why are Gorillas underpaid? They're willing to work peanuts!
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Why couldn't the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues? His balk was worse than his bite!
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Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare!
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Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent? The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite!
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Why did the Ape jump off the building? He wanted to show the world the stuff he was made of!
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Why did the girl Gorilla, engaged to the invisible man, call off the wedding? Because in the last analysis she just couldn't see it!
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Why did the Gorilla enlist in the ragged continental army? To avoid the draft!
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Why did the Gorilla fail English? He had little Ape-titude!
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Why did the Gorilla visit Italy? An advertisement's headline enticed him - See Ape-les and die!
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Why do apes climb to the tops of buildings? The elevator men are on strike!
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Why do Apes like tall buildings? They want to climb the heights of the business world!
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Why do Apes love to go to school in bad neighbourhoods? They like any jungle - even a blackboard jungle!
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Why do the Gorillas like Jimmy Carter? They don't really know - but they're NUTS about him!
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Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies? Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter, there's a Gorilla in my soup!'
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Why should you always refuse to lend an Ape money? It's dangerous to let him put the bite on you!
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Why do primates do so well in show biz? Put any Ape in the spotlight - and monkeyshines!
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A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?'and the deer replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.' The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.' The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'
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Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: They have big fingers.
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Q. Why did the ape run around with a piece of raw meat on his head? A. He thought he was a gorilla. (griller)!
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