Q. What did the salt say to the pepper?
A. Hey
Baby, what's SHAKING!
Single Page
One day, Bill and Tom went to a
restaurant for
dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly
picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about
that: "When are you going to learn to be
polite?"
Bill: "If
you had the chance to pick first, which one would you
pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining
about then? The smaller piece is what you
want, right?"
Single Page
A customer was bothering the waiter in a
restaurant.
First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because
he was
too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too
cold, and so on
for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the
waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and
never once got
angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he
didn't throw
out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter
with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner."
Single Page
A customer was bothering the
waiter in a
restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be
turned up
because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause
he was too
cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter
was very patient, he walked back and forth and
never once got
angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he
didn't throw out
the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter
with a smile.
"We don't even have an air conditioner."
Single Page
A family of three tomatoes
were walking
downtown one day when the little baby tomato started
lagging behind. The
big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps
on her,
squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
Single Page
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker
under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
Single Page
The snack bar next door to an
atom smasher
was called "The Fission Chips."
Single Page
A new chef from India
was fired a week after
starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
Single Page
A
couple of kids tried using pickles for a
Ping-Pong game. They had the
volley of the Dills.
Single Page
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and
Chocolate.
Single Page
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he
suffers from pickled hearing.
Single Page
Overweight is something that just sort of
snacks up on you.
Single Page
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay
waiter."
Single Page
I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I
am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
Single Page
In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a
32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food
fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began
throwing
sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly
threw the
woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents
spilling to the
floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she
allegedly stuffed
lettuce into the man's mouth.
Single Page
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to
eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during
meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the
question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce,
but now it's
gone.
Single Page
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and
found themselves
being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here
is your oceanside
condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming
pool, and two golf
courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop
by any of the many bars
located throughout the area."
"Heck,
Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we
could
have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that
stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
Single Page
Q: Ever wonder
about people who pay $2 for a
bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
Single Page
A lady was picking through the
frozen turkeys
at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
her
family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Single Page
A friend and I were standing in line at a
fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big
sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be
accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me,
if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
Single Page
The
American tourist in Dublin had been
complaining a great deal about the
food.
"Here," he said to the
waitress holding out a piece of meat for
inspection, "do you call
that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked
sweetly.
Single Page
A man
went into a deli shop and took a seat
at the lunch counter. "Give me a
corned beef sandwich," he
ordered.
"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a
sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."
"What's
a Midnight Special?"
"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue,
bologna, tomato, lettuce,
onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted
raisin bread."
"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two
slices of
white bread and serve it to me on a plate?"
"Why,
sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One
Midnight
Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato,
lettuce,
onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white,
untoasted!"
Single Page
What are the four food groups?
For
bachelors: Fast, Frozen, Junk and Spoiled.
For drinkers: Malt, Hops, Barley
and Yeast.
For heavies: Caffeine, Fat, Sugar, Chocolate.
Single Page
At a dinner party, one
of the guests, an
obnoxiously loud young
man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone
and
everything.
When he was served a piece of meat, he
picked it up with his
fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this
pig?'
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of
the fork are you referring to?'
Single Page
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he
replied. "We just
tell them straight out that they're going to
die."
Single Page
Q. What's worse
than finding a worm in the
apple you're eating?
A. Finding half a worm.
Single Page
What is the title of the new Vietnamamese
cookbook ?
100 way to wok your dog.
Single Page
What's red and invisible?
No
tomatoes.
Single Page
Why did the grape cross the road?
To get
away from the grapefruit.
Single Page
What's the difference between a homeless and a
pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Single Page
What ghost is handy in the
kitchen?
A
recipe spook.
Single Page
I'd say he was spineless.
Yes, about as
spineless as cooked spaghetti.
Single Page
What sort of soup do
skeletons like?
One
with plenty of body in it.
Single Page
How do you make gold soup?
Put 14 carrots in
it.
Single Page
Don't eat the cookies so fast they'll keep.
I know, but I want to eat as many as I can before I lose my appetite
!
Single Page
What are apricots?
Where monkeys sleep.
Single Page
What's the best day to eat bacon?
Fry-day.
Single Page
What is small, furry and smells like bacon?
A
hamster.
Single Page
What's the difference between a biscuit and a
monster?
You can dip a biscuit in your tea, but a monster is too big
to fit in
the cup.
Single Page
Why did the biscuit cry?
Because its mother
had been a wafer so long.
Single Page
Have you got any broken
biscuits?
Yes, I
have.
Well, you shouldn't be so clumsy!
Single Page
What did the biscuit say when it
saw two
friends knocked down?
Crumbs!
Single Page
Why did your brother give up his job in the
biscuit factory?
Because he went crackers.
Single Page
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
slice
of bread.
Doctor: You've got to stop loafing around.
Single Page
Did you hear about the teacher who was trying to
instil good table manners in her girls?
She told them that a
well brought girl never crumbles her bread or
rolls in her soup.
Single Page
They say she has a sharp tongue.
Yes, she can
slice bread with it.
Single Page
Have you heard the story about the
loaf of
bread?
No.
Oh, crumbs.
Single Page
Why can't you make bread like my mother?
I
would if you could make dough like your father!
Single Page
What looks just
like half a loaf of bread?
Its other half.
Single Page
Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are
we running so fast?" asked one.
"Because," said the second, "it
says 'tear along the dotted
line'!"
Single Page
Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are
we running so
fast?" asked one.
"Because," said the second, "it
says 'tear along the dotted
line'!"
Single Page
What do cannibals eat for breakfast?
Buttered
host.
Single Page
How do you know that a elephant's been in the
fridge?
There are foot prints in the butter. "
Single Page
And what's your name?" the
secretary asked
the next new boy. "Butter." "I hope your first
name's not Roland,"
smirked the secretary. "No, ma'am. It's
Brendan."
Single Page
Fred wrote in her homework book: Margarine is
butter made from imitation cows.
Single Page
Fred! What did I say I'd do if I found
you
with your fingers in the butter again?
That's funny, Mom. I can't
remember either.
Single Page
What do you call two
rows of cabbages ?
A
dual cabbageway !
Single Page
Mummy! Mummy! Have you seen my Cabbage Patch
Doll?
Be quiet and finish your coleslaw!
Single Page
My Aunt Maud had so many candles
on her last
birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburnt !
Single Page
What's the fastest cake in the world?
Meriiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngue.
Single Page
Flo: Try some of my sponge cake.
Joe: It's a
bit tough.
Flo: That's strange. I only bought the sponge from the
chemist this
morning.
Single Page
Girl: Did you like that cake, Mrs Jones?
Mrs
Jones: Yes, very much.
Girl: That's funny. My mom said you didn't
have any taste.
Single Page
What
cake wanted to rule the world?
Attila the Bun.
Single Page
What did the snake say when he was offered a
piece of
cheese for dinner?
Thank you, I'll just have a
slither.
Single Page
What musical instrument goes with cheese?
Picklelo.
Single Page
Fred: I thought there was a choice for lunch
today. .
Cook: There is.
Fred: No, there isn't. There's only
cheese pie.
Cook: You can choose to eat it or leave it.
Single Page
What cheese is made
backwards?
Edam.
Single Page
Say something soft and sweet to me. Dracula:
Marshmallows,
chocolate fudge cake...
Single Page
Mom: Fred, there were two chocolate cakes in the
larder yesterday, and now there's only one. Why?
Fred: I
don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other
one.
Single Page
I went to see my doctor to see if he could help
me give up smoking.
What did he say?
He suggested that every
time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a
bar of chocolate.
Did that do any good?
No - I can't get the chocolate to light.
Single Page
Boy: What's black, slimy,
with hairy legs
and eyes on stalks?
Mom: Eat the cookies and don't worry about
what's in the tin.
Single Page
An
irate woman burst into the baker's shop
and said, "I sent my son in for
two pounds of cookies this morning
but when I weighed them there was
only one pound. I suggest you
check your scales." The baker looked at
her calmly for a moment or two
and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you
weigh your son."
Single Page
Jimmy, how many more times must I tell you to
come
away from that cookie tin?
No more, mom. It's empty.
Single Page
What's the difference between a vampire
and
a cookie?
You can't dip a vampire in your tea.
Single Page
Three cookies were crossing the road when the
first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he
reached
the pavement in safety?
Crumbs!
Single Page
How does a witch make scrambled eggs?
She
holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with
fright.
Single Page
At a party, a conjurer was producing egg after
egg from a little
boy's ear.
"There!" he said proudly. "I bet
your Mum can't produce eggs
without hens, can she?"
"Oh yes, she
can," said the boy. "She keeps ducks."
Single Page
What happens
if you play tabletennis with a
bad egg?
First it goes ping, then it goes pong.
Single Page
My brother's on a seafood
diet.
Really?
Yes, the more he sees food the more he eats.
Single Page
A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in
Ireland. "I'll have fish and chips twice," he orders. "Sure, I heard
you the first time," came the reply.
Single Page
What's red and green and wears
boxing
gloves?
A fruit punch.
Single Page
Teacher: If you saw me standing by a witch, what
fruit
would it remind you of?
Pupil: A pear.
Single Page
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her
skin
had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her
lips like
cherries - that's my girl.
Second boy: Sounds like a
fruit salad to me.
Single Page
Why did the teacher have
her hair in a bun?
Because she had her nose in a hamburger.
Single Page
What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter
of a pound of ground beef?
A humburger.
Single Page
When Lee ate raw onions for a week what did he
become?
Lone Lee.
Single Page
Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine?
They keep repeating themselves.
Single Page
What did the female mushroom say
about the
male mushroom?
"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."
Single Page
An elderly couple were killed in an
accident
and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint
Peter.
"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts,
swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just
stop by any of the many bars located throughout the
area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we
could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that
stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
Single Page
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown
one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big
father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her,
squashing her
into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
Single Page
What did the ice cream say
to the unhappy
cake?
"Hey, what's eating you?"
Single Page
A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered
two
slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with
lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts.
'Would you like a
cherry on the top ?' asked the waitress.
'No, thanks,' said the
girl, 'I'm on a diet !'
Single Page
Camper: There's
something wrong with my hot
dog.
Cook: Don't tell me. I'm not a veterinarian.
Single Page
How can you tell the
difference between a can
of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?
Read the label.
Single Page
What food are you able to can?
Cannibal (can
able) food.
Single Page
What food is good for the brain?
Noodle
soup.
Single Page
Why are oranges like bells?
You can peel
(peal) both of them.
Single Page
How can you make a soup rich?
Add 14 carrots
(carats) to it.
Single Page
What could you do if you were on a
desert
island without food or water?
Open your watch: drink from the spring,
and eat the sand which is
(sandwiches) there.
Single Page
If there were no food left, what could people
do?
Country people could eat their forest preserves and city people
could
have their traffic jams.
Single Page
What do you get if you cross an alien and a
hot drink ?
Gravi-tea !
Single Page
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bacon !
Bacon
who ?
Bacon a cake for your birthday !
Single Page
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Bean !
Bean
who ?
Bean working very hard today !
Single Page
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Beef !
Beef
who ?
Beef fair now !
Single Page
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Butter
!
Butter who ?
Butter wrap up - it's cold out here !
Single Page
WIFE: The 2 things I cook best
are meatloaf
and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?
Single Page
WIFE: "You look tired, honey. How about a
nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?"
HUSBAND: "No
thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."
Single Page
Q:
What what can you make from baked beans
and onions?
A: Tear gas.
Single Page
Several women were discussing what they should
have for
dinner. "If you're watching your weight," came one
suggestion,
"those diet frozen dinners are good." The man then added: "But
get two.
They're small."
Single Page
Do you feel like a glass of carrot juice?
Why? Do I look like one?
Single Page
Would you like a duck egg for supper?
Only if
you quack it for me.
Single Page
What vegetable needs a plumber?
A leek.
Single Page
What's a fresh vegetable? One that insults a
farmer.
Single Page
Did
you hear about the two peanuts walking in
the woods?
One was "a-salted."
Single Page
Q: What did one strawberry say to the
other?
A:"Look at the jam you've gotten us into!"
Single Page
Q: What do you call a
fake noodle?
A: An
Impasta.
Single Page
What do you call an egg from outer space?
An
unidentified flying omelet!
Single Page
What's a doll's favorite food?
Barbie-Q!
Single Page
Q: What do you call cheese that's not
yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
Single Page
Q.Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A. He
was feeling crummy!
Single Page
Firefighter Jokes |
Fishing Jokes |
Food Jokes |
Frog Jokes |
Ghost Jokes |
Gorilla Jokes |
Hair and Bald Jokes |
Halloween Jokes |
Heaven and Hell Jokes |
History Jokes |
Horse Jokes |
Humor Jokes |
Hunting Jokes |
Idiot and Fool Jokes |
Insect Jokes |
Internet Jokes |
Journalist Jokes |
Judge Jokes |
King Kong Jokes |
Knock Knock Jokes |
Lawyer Jokes |
Letter Jokes |
Marriage Jokes |
Men Jokes |
Mental Health Jokes |
Military Jokes |
Money Jokes |
Monster Jokes |
Mouse Jokes |
Movie and TV Jokes |
Music Jokes |
Old Age Jokes |
Parent Jokes |
Pig Jokes |
Police Jokes |
Political Jokes |
Rabbit Jokes |
Religious Jokes |
Restaurant Jokes |
Salesmen Jokes |
School Jokes |
Snake Jokes |
Snowman Jokes |
Space Jokes |
Spelling Jokes |
Sport Jokes |
Teeth Jokes |
Telephone Jokes |
Time Jokes |
Travel and Tourist Jokes |
Vampire Jokes |
Various Animal Jokes |
Waiter Jokes |
Weather Jokes |
Witch Jokes |
Women Jokes |
Yo Momma Jokes |
Zodiac Jokes |
Zoo Jokes
