Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with
no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave,
guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts
fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
can't believe it, he yells over " whats your secret?"
"woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back.
"what did you say?" replies Bob.
The man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob,
have to keep your worms warm".
If you're fishing on ice, you should
tell a joke on ice. WHY???
The ice will crack up!
Q:what do you catch when you go ice fishing
Q:what did the fish say when he hit the
It was well known that a certain lake was very
fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice
that one guy kept
coming home with his limit of fish on several
occations. He asked the guy:
"How is it that you are catching fish out of
that lake when no one
else can?" The guy replied: "Well I am going
back up there tommorow, why
don't you come along?" And, so the
warden did. They were in the boat
when the fisherman reached over and
lit a stick of dynamite and then
tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There
were fish floating to the surface all
over! The game warden freaked
out, and said: "You can't do that!
That's illeagal!" The
fisherman reached over and lit another stick and
said: "Are you going to
fish, or talk?"
Far away in the tropical waters of the
Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin
the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being
and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally
one day Justin
said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being
a prawn, I wish
I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries
Two guys are talking about fishing. One says
to the other, "I am
NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me,
"That bad, huh"
"She did everything wrong! She
did everything wrong! She talked too
much, made the boat rock
constantly, tried to stand up in the boat,
baited the hook wrong, used
the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more
fish than me!"
A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern
Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake
for its fishing
The game warden asked the man, "Do
you have a license to catch those
The man replied to
the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here
fish down to the lake and let
them swim around for a while. I whistle
and they jump back into their
buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here,
you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game
warden was curious.
The man poured the fish in to the river and
stood and waited. After
several minutes, the game warden turned to
the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man respond
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"What fish?" the man asked.
The fishing season hasn't opened and a
fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a
stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?"
"Any luck? This is a
wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream
yesterday" he boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Well, meet the new game warden."
gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Meet the biggest liar in the state."
One day, two guys Joe and Bob
fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're
and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does
until the funeral service passes by.
Joe then said "Gee Bob, I
didn't know you had it in you!"
Bob then replies " It's the
least I could do. After all I was married
to her for 30 years."
Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were
having a great day catching fish.
The first blonde said "This
is such a great spot, we need to mark it
so we can come back."
The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.
The first blonde asked "What are you doing?"
blonde replied "Marking the spot."
"Don't be stupid" the first
blonde said. "What if we don't get the
same boat next time?"
Two Irishmen were walking down the street with
two salmon each under their arms.
Two other Irishmen
walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky
fishermen and ask "
how did you catch those ?"
Well its like this! Michael here
holds my legs over the bridge, and I
grab the salmon as they swim up
the river. We got four salmon A great
fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try.
to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now
Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when
suddenly cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!"
Paddy asks "
do you have a fish Sean?"............
No replies Sean,
"there's a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!"
priests were fishing on a boat when
they ran out of bait.
The first priest got up and walk across
the water to get some more
After 2 hours they ran out
of bait again and the second priest said he
would go get more
bait...so he got up and walk across the water.
After 3 hours of
fishing they ran out of bait again and the third
priest said he would
get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went
straight to the
The first priest turned to the second priest and asked,
have told him where the rocks were? "
An Irish priest loved to fly
fish, it was
an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so
that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his
favourite flies out of their box
Strangly though, every Sunday
the weather had been good, but of course
Sunday is the day he has to
go to work.
The weather forcast was good again for the coming
Sunday so he called a
fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice
and be in bed with the
flu. He asked him to take over his
The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast
that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was
and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed
that he would
do something about it.
With the first cast of
his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly.
For over an hour
the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the
the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned
to be a world record Salmon.
Confused the angel asked God, "Why
did you let him catch that huge
fish? I thought you were going to
teach him a lesson."
God replied "I did. Who do you think he's
going to tell?"
fishermen were fishing when they
came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered
them one wish each so the
first fisherman said: "double my I.Q" so
the mermaid did it and to his
surprise he started reciting shakespeare.
Then the second
fisherman said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the
mermaid did it and
amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't
The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to
his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It
your whole life!" the fisherman said "yes" so the mermaid
into a woman
A small town Doctor was famous in the area for
always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of
his frequent fishing trips he got a call
that a woman at a
neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her
aid and delivered a
healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so
the Doctor used his
The baby weighed 22 lbs
A couple of young guys were fishing
their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped
the game warden.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod
down and started running
through the woods like a bat out of hell and
hot on his heels came the
After about a half
mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his
hands on his thighs
to catch his breath and the game warden finally caught
up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the warden gasped.
With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a
valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden.
"You must be about as dumb as a
box of rocks! You don't have to run
from me if you have a valid
"Yes sir," replied the
young feller. "But my friend back there,
well, he don't have
Heard the one about the three blondes that
went ice fishing and didn't catch anything?
By the time they
cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was
time to go
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman
hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice
are no fish down there."
He walked several yards
away and drilled another hole and peered into
the hole and again the
voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about
50 yards away and drilled another hole and again
the voice said,
"There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and
asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's
the rink manager."
to daughter advice: Cook a man a
fish and you feed him for a day. But
teach a man to fish and you get
rid of him for the whole weekend.
There was a salmon fisherman who was out in
ocean fishing when his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to
deserted island where he had to survive on what he could
When the Coastguard eventually found him, the leader noticed there
a fire pit with California Condor feathers all
He went over to the fisherman and said, "You know, it's illegal to
kill a California Condor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest
The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it
he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down.
"Out of curiosity" the coastguard asked, "What did it taste like?"
The fisherman replied, " Well, it was kind of a mix between a
owl and a bald eagle."
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover
when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end
"That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A
man helping his
As he was walking away, one
local remarked to the other, "Well, he
sure doesn't know the first
thing about shark fishing."
Q. Where does
a fish keep his
A. In the River Bank!
"Do you really believe your husband when he
tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best
"Why shouldn't I?" said Jane.
"Well, maybe he is having
"No way" said Jane "he never returns with any
rings his boss and says "I can't
come to work today
The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my
"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.
just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing
"What's the biggest fish you ever caught?"
"That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...." "That's
not so big!" "Between the eyes?"
Henry's son, David, burst into the
crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.
"Daddy and I
were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big.
he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you
be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed
"But that's just what I did, mommy."
I was given the ultimatum 3
weeks ago. She
said "it's me or your fishing."
Gee I miss her.
"I didn't see you in church last Sunday,
hear you were out playing football instead."
not true, vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!"
caught a twenty pound salmon last
"Were there any witnesses?"
"There sure were. If there
hadn't been, it would have been forty
Fishing rule #1: The least experienced
fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The
worse your line is tangled, the better is the
fishing around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't
Q. What is the difference between a fish and a
A. You can't tuna fish.
How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate
before his wife throws him out?
I don't know the answer but
I think I'm nearly there.
Q. Where do
A. In a
What do you call a deaf fishing boat
Anything you like, he can't hear you.
I was glad when one fish got
There just wasn't room in the boat for both of us!
Standing at the
edge of the lake, a man
saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man
screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The
man said, "My wife
is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her.
I'll give you a
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful
strokes, he reached
the woman, put his arm around her, and swam
back to shore. Depositing
her at the feet of the man, the fisherman
said, "Okay, where's my
The man said,
"Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I
thought it was my
wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into
his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How
much do I owe you?"
Q: What you get when four men go fishing and
comes back not catching anything.
A: Three Men And A Baby
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all
his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It
cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house.
He came in,
went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.
terrible weather today, honey." he said to her. "Yes. And my
What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks
too much ?
A beer-a-cuda !
Which fish can perform operations ?
What fish goes up the river at 100mph ?
motor pike !
Where do fish wash ?
In a river basin !
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a
tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of
him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they
ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started
swimming leisurely toward the
About halfway there he
asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the
didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got
Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed
her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but
couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after
days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now.
wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed
peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn
the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't
way the parents positioned the children, the same child
the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and
the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that
point on, the boys were
simply known as Towards and Away.
years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when
the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned
how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship,
their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the
had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man
towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My
has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one
whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards
fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a
week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them
letting up. Yet
eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and
pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed
whole, and we never
saw either of them again."
that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant
marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning
shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a
minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned
to the first
fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"
Two fishermen were out
on the lake when
one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the
wallet float down
to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and
snatched up the
wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a
joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time
I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
Two Virginia rednecks go on
trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the
suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I
they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they
don't catch anything. The same
thing happens on the second day, and on
the third day. It goes on like
this until finally, on the last day
of their vacation, one of the men
catches a fish.
they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to
other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught
us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's
a good thing we didn't catch any
Two young men were out in the woods on a
camping trip, when
the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed
there all day,
enjoying the fishing, which was super.
end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from
soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same
place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and
traveled to a spot near where they had
been years before. They
walked into the woods and before long came upon
a brook. One of the men
said to the other, "This is the place!".
The other replied, "No,
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover
growing on the
bank on the other side.
To which the other
man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by
A father and son went fishing one day. While
out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the
him. He asked his father, "How does this boat
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later,
boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A
later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy
asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask
never learn nothin'."
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day,
when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished
men had settled down enough to speak, the
first guy asked the angel
humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever
since I took shrapnel
in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"
"Of course," the
angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the
man felt relief
for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick
glasses and had a hard time reading
and driving. He asked if the
angel could do anything about his poor
eyesight. The angel smiled,
removed the man's glasses and tossed them
into the lake. When they
hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he
could see everything
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put
his hands out
defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful
beach, with his
fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary
line cast out into the
sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the
warmth of the afternoon sun
and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying
relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the
sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman
instead of working harder to make a living for himself
and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that
way," said the businessman
to the fisherman, "you should be working
rather than lying on the
The fisherman looked up at
the businessman, smiled and replied, "And
what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the
"And then what will my reward be?"
asked the fisherman, still
replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to
buy a boat, which
will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And
then what will my
reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was
beginning to get a little irritated with the
"You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to
work for you!" he
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand?
build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world,
and let all
your employees catch fish for you!"
the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman,
understand that you can become so rich that you will never have
work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your day
sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up
and said, "And what do you
think I'm doing right now?"
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin,
O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat
there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.
"What are ye doing?"
"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.
"Ach, nae a bite,"
"What are ye usin' fer
"Let me see it," said
MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin.
O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He
handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as
the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming
"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.
shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a
by the throat!"
How many fishermen does it take to change a
One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have
been THIS big.
man was fishing in the jungle. After a
while another angler came to
join him. "Have you had any bites?"
asked the second man. "Yes, lots,"
replied the first one, "but they
were all mosquitoes."
Retired colonel, talking of the good old days:
Have you ever hunted bear?
His grandson's teacher: No, but
I've been fishing in shorts.
lady saw a little boy with a
fishing-rod over his shoulder and a jar of
tadpoles in his hand walking
through the park one Sunday. "Little
boy," she called, "don't you
know you shouldn't go fishing on a
Sunday?" "I'm not going
fishing, ma'am," he called back, "I'm going
The little kid sat on the side of the road
with a fishing line
down the drain. Feeling sorry for him, and wanting
to humor him, a lady
gave him 50 cents, and kindly asked "How many
have you caught?"
"You're the tenth this morning," was the
What kind of musical
instrument can you
use for fishing?
Tim once took his small cousin with him while
fishing: When he returned, he was looking very fed up.
"I'll never do
that again," he complained to his Dad. "Did she
frighten off the
fish?" enquired Dad. "No," replied Tim. "She sat on the
bank and ate
all my maggots."
What's the difference between an angler and a
One baits his hooks while the other hates his books.
are you fishing for sonny?
Boy: I'm not fishing, I'm drowning worms.
Q: How many anglers does
it take to change
a light bulb?
A: Four, one to change the light bulb and three to
brag about how big
the old one was and about the one that they would
have changed, but "It
How many South Dakotans does it take to go ice
Four. One to cut the hole in the ice, and three to push
Lee: I just swallowed a fish bone! Counselor:
Are you choking?
Lee: No, I'm serious!
George went fishing, but at the end of the day
he had not caught one fish.
On the way back to camp, he stopped
at a fish store.
'I want to buy three trout,' he said to the
owner. 'But instead of
putting them in a bag, throw them to
'Why should I do that?' the owner asked.
'So I can tell everyone
that I caught three fish!'
Have you seen
the new fishing
No, it's not online yet.
What is the difference between a fisherman
and a lazy student?
One baits his hook, the other hates his
What sort of net is
useless for catching
A football net !
What did Noah do while spending time on the
Fished, but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms !
Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman
who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger
approaches and asks: "Any luck?"
"Any luck? This is a wonderful
spot. I took 10 out of this stream
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the
"Well, meet the new game warden."
the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
the biggest liar in the state!"
When fish play football, who
The team's kipper !
How do fish go into business ?
on a small scale !
What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in
Which fish go to heaven when they die ?
What bit of fish doesn't make sense ?
piece of cod that passeth all understanding !
What kind of money
do fishermen make ?
Net profits !
What do you get if you cross a salmon, a
and a hand ?
Birdsthigh fish fingers !
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. The
first one says to the other "can you smell fish?".
What TV game show do fish like best?
What part of a fish weighs the most ?
It's scales !
What do you call a literary fish?
What fish do road-menders use ?
What is dry on the outside, filled with water
blows up buildings ?
A fish tank !
Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea ?
the kipper !
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend ?
'Your plaice or mine' !
Why is a fish easy to weigh ?
has its own scales !
What did the sardine call the
A can of people !
Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea
Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave teh key
Why do penguins eat fish?
get soggy before they can catch them.
Where do fish
Which fish dresses the best?
- It always looks sharp!
What do you get if you cross
an abbot with
a trout ?
What kind of fish will help you hear better ?
A herring aid !
What do naked fish play with ?
Why are fish cleverer than humans?
seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?
What did the
fish do when his piano
He called the piano tuna!
Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear
Because they have electric 'eels !
What was the name of Tom
Why are gold fish orange ?
The water makes
them rusty !
What will santa bring your fish this
A scale letrix!
What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish ?
What do romantic fish sing to each other?
Salmon-chanted evening !
What do you call a big fish who makes you an
offer you can't refuse ?
The Codfather !
What's a sea serpent's favourite
Fish and ships!
Why are fish so gullible?
They fall for
things hook, line and sinker!
How do you communicate
with a fish?
drop it a line!
What kind of fish is useful in freezing
Where are most fish found ?
head and the tail !
What fish sounds like a telephone?
Herring, herring...herring, herring...herring, herring.
How do you
tune a fish?
What do you get if you cross a trout with an
A flat fish !
What's the best way to catch a fish?
someone throw it at you.
How did the fish's tail get stuck in
It was just a fluke!
Why are fish no good at tennis?
like to get too close to the net!
What do you call a man
with a large
flatfish on his head?
How do you post a fish?
You send it COD
... or first bass mail
Where do you go to meet the
It doesn't matter - any old plaice will do.
What kind of a fish does
your Parrot sit
Why should you use six hooks on your fishing
What is a knight's favourite fish?
What fish is best to have in a boat?
How do you get around fast on the bottom of
How do the fish get to school ?
What fish make the best sandwich?
butter and jellyfish
To whom do fish go to borrow money ?
loan shark !
What fish only swims at night ?
What do dirty fish read?
Why men like to fishing so much?
finally found something as smart as them to talk to.
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the
fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a
fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him
up again and poured
a little beer down his throat. Then he went
about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his
pant leg. Looking
down, he saw the same snake with three more worms
Hair and Bald Jokes
Heaven and Hell Jokes
Idiot and Fool Jokes
King Kong Jokes
Knock Knock Jokes
Mental Health Jokes
Movie and TV Jokes
Old Age Jokes
Travel and Tourist Jokes
Various Animal Jokes
Yo Momma Jokes