Humor and jokes - ELEPHANT

Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes? A: Slow clowns.
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'We're going to play elephants and circuses,' said a little boy at kindergarten, 'Do you want to join in?' 'I'd love to,'replied the teacher. 'What do you want me to do?' 'You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts !'
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Why did the elephant paint his toenails red ? So he could hide in the cherry tree !
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What do you call an elephant that flies ? A jumbo jet !
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo ? Big holes all over Australia !
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How does an elephant get down from a tree ? He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn !
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Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours? Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box !
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Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool ? Because they couldn't hold their trunks up !
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Why does an elephant wear sneakers ? So that he can sneak up on mice !
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What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour ? A jet propelled elephant !
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What's big and grey and wears a mask ? The elephantom of the opera !
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What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet ? An elephant with an umbrella !
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What's grey and never needs ironing ? A drip dry elephant !
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What's grey and goes round and round ? An elephant in a washing machine !
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What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland ? The Loch Ness Elephant !
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What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside ? An elephant disguised as a banana !
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What's big and grey and protects you from the rain ? An umbrellaphant !
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What's big, grey and flies straight up ? An elecopter !
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What weighs 4 tons and is bright red ? An elephant holding its breath !
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What's blue and has big ears ? An elephant at the North Pole !
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What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds ? An elephant with hiccups !
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What goes up slowly and comes down quickly ? An elephant in a lift !
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What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet ? An elephant with spare parts !el
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What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing ? An elephant's shadow !
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What's grey and lights up ? An electric elephant !
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What's grey but turns red ? An embarrassed elephant !
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What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill ? A get wellephant !
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What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants ? The tusk fairy !
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What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers ? Cinderelephant !
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What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather ? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain !
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What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil ? One rarely bites and the other barely writes !
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How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse ? Try picking them up !
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What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper ? You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant !
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What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days ? One is a weak one and the other one week !
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What's the difference between an elephant and a banana ? Have you ever tried to peel an elephant ?
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Why are elephants grey ? So you can tell them from flamingos !
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What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant ? About 3,000 miles !
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What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry ? A gooseberry is green !
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What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep ? Trunkquilizers !
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A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help" "Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot !"
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What kind of elephants live in Antartica ? Cold ones !
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Why do elephants have trunks ? Because they would look silly carrying suitcases !
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How do you fit five elephants into a car ? Two in the front, two in the back and the other in the glove compartment !
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How does an elephant get out of a small car ? The same way that he got in !
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Why did the elephant cross the road ? Because the chicken was having a day off !
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What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill ? "Pack your trunk and clear out !"
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How do you get an elephant into a matchbox ? Take all the matches out first !
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What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it ? Nothing, it just let out a little wine !
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How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert ? You get very lumpy ice cream !
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Why are elephants wiser than chickens ? Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant ?!
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Why do elephants eat raw food ? Because they don't know how to cook !
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Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet ? He wrecked three cars, a bus and two fire engines !
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Why did the elephant eat the candle ? For light refreshment !
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When should you feed milk to a baby elephant ? When it's a baby elephant !
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How do you know that peanuts are fattening ? Have you ever seen a skinny elephant ?
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What do you call an elephant that can't do sums ? Dumbo !
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Bill:"My homework is really difficult tonight, I've to write an essay on an elephant."? Bert:"Well, for a start your going to need a big ladder.."
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Why do elephants do well in school ? Because they have a lot of grey matter !
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Teacher:"To which family does the elephant belong ?" Pupil:"I don't know, nobody I know owns one !"
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Teacher: "Name six wild animals" Pupil:"Four elephants and two lions !"
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Teacher: "Where would you find an elephant ?" Pupil:"You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose !"
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Tarzan was tired when he came home. "What have you been doing", asked Jane. "Chasing a herd of elephants on vines" "Really ?", said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground !"
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What is the easy way to get a wild elephant ? Get a tame one and annoy it !
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What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming ? Here come the elephants
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What's the best way to see a charging herd of elephants ? On television !
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Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle ? Because of all the cheetahs !
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What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear ? Anything you want as he can't hear you !
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What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court ? Annette !
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What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night ? Russell !
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What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater ? Warren !
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What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater ? Terrified !
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How to elephants talk to each other ? By 'elephone !
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What do you give an elephant with big feet ? Plenty of room !
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Why do elephants have trunks ? Because they've no pockets to put things in !
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What animals were last to leave the ark ? The elephants as they had to pack their trunks !
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What do you find in an elephants graveyard ? Elephantoms !
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What is stronger an elephant or a snail ? A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk !
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What do you do with old cannon balls ? Give them to elephants to use as marbles !
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What do elephants do in the evenings ? Watch elevision !
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Who lost a herd of elephants ? Big bo peep !
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What is an elephants favourite film ? Elephantasia
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What do elephants say as a compliment ? You look elephantastic !
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What did the elephant say to the famous detective ? It's ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock !
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Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain ? To stop getting wet !
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What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old ? Six weeks old !
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What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail ? This is the end of me !
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What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant ? An animal that tells you everything that it remembers !
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What do elephants sing at christmas ? Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants...
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Who do elephants get their christmas presents from ? Elephanta Claus !
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How do you hire an elephant ? Stand it on four bricks !
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My elephants got no trunk ? How does it smell ? Terrible !
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How do you stop an angry elephant from charging ? Take away it's credit cards !
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What did the baby elephant get when the daddy elephant sneezed ? Out of the way !
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Why do the elephants have short tails ? Because they can't remember long stories !
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Why is an elephant braver than a hen ? Because the elephant isn't chicken !
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What is worse than raining cats and dogs ? Raining elephants !
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How do you raise a baby elephant ? With a fork lift truck !
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Is the squirt from an elephants trunk very powerful? Well, a jumbo jet can keep 500 people oin the air for hours at a time !
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Reports are coming in of an elephant doing a ton in the highway. Police ask motorists to drive carefully and to yield right of way.
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How do you make an elephant sandwich? First of all, you get a very large loaf...
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How does an elephant go up a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
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What do you get if you cross an elephant with the abominable snowman? A jumbo yeti.
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Why did the gum cross the road? Because it was under the elephants foot.
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What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee? A sheep.
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Why do elephants prefer peanuts to caviar? Because they're easier to get at the ballpark.
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Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkly? Because if they were small round and white, they would be aspirins.
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Why don't elephants like martinis? Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose?
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Why do elephants live in the jungle? Because it's out of the high rent district.
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Why do elephants squirt water through their noses? If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim.
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Why do elephants jump across rivers? So they won't step on the fish.
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Why did the elephant eat the candle? He wanted a light snack!
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Q: What happened when the elephant sat on the car? A: Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!
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Two elephants jumped off a cliff....... BOOM BOOM!
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It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."
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An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the elephant -- first his legs and then up all over his body. When the elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making all the little ants, except for one, fall to the ground. As the only ant on the elephant hung on close to the elephant's neck, the ones on the ground began to yell, "Strangle him!!! Strangle him!!!"
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