Humor and jokes - DOCTOR_AND_NURSE

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."
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Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois? The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make you use them.
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The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you." "Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."
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Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone. Are you choking? No, I really did!
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Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
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Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil till I get there
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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! Didn't I see you yesterday?
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Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something? Yes - here's a kite!
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Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?! Stick your foot out and trip it up!
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Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot. Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
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Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?
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Doctor these pills you gave me for BO... What's wrong with them? They keep slipping out from under my arms!
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Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!
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Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep. That's baaaaaaaaaad!
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito Go away, sucker!
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Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth. So why did you come around then? Well, I saw this light at the window...!
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Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee Have you tried taking the spoon out?
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Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon! Well sit still and don't stir!
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Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later.
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Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache? Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me One at a time please
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Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots? I never make rash promises!
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Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps!
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Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible! What sister?
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Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!
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Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion? Of course, come back tomorrow!
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Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out! Certainly, which way did you come in?
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God When did this start? Well first I created the sun, then the earth...
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible Who said that?
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin. Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!
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Doctor: You need new glasses Patient: How do you know?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!
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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!
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Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple. We must get to the core of this!
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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
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Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up! Just simmer down!
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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!
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Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!
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Doctor, Doctor I've broke my arm in two places Well don't go back there again then!
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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog. How long have you felt like this? Ever since I was a puppy!
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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm turning into a frog Your just playing too much croquet!
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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a yo-yo. Are you stringing me along!
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Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do? Saw the legs off of your bed!
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Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me? You have a broken finger!
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Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits! What, you mean those square ones? Yes! The ones you put butter on? Yes! Oh, You're Crackers!
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Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film! Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.
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Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains Well pull yourself together then
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Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake Sleep in another room then!
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Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!
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Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen Well sit down and write your name!
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Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible. Yes I can see you're not all there!
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog What's wrong with that I think I'm going to croak
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire. Necks please!
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Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking? Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!
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Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift! Well tell her to come in I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!
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Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork. Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!
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Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me. Next please!
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Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam. You're too tents.
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog. Sit on the couch and we will talk about it. But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
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Doctor, Doctor I've a split personality Well, you'd better both sit down then!
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit Will you get out of my hair!
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Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar Don't worry you'll soon change!
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Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you!
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Doctor, Doctor I've got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet. Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease!
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Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish Poor sole!
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider What a web of lies!
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Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar! Have you taken anything for it?
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Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his father Never mind just so long as he's healthy!
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Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory! When did this happen? When did what happen?
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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
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Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar I can't believe that!
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Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in What about a matchbox!
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Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double. Please sit on the couch. Which one!
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Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around. Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!
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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth Get out of the way, your in my light!
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Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog! Sit!
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Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle. I see your point! Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad? Well, I ouldn't start watching any new soap operas!
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Doctor, Doctor I'm having trouble with my breathing. I'll give you something that will soon put a stop to that!
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Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show? Absolutely nothing!
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Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it? Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!
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Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep. Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
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Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking Do you drink a lot? Not really - I spill most of it!
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm How boring for you!
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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge What's come over you? Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel That's shocking!
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Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a python You can't get round me just like that you know!
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The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. " "Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."
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Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
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Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points? Doctor: Sell!
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A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger." Dentist: $100.00. Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work? Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
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Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.
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A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?" Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
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"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus." "Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."
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Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
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Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
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A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor. John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
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A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don't see why not," replies the doctor. "That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
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A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft." "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
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Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor? Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
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Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body? Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
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A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
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Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
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What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy? If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining.
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The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor." "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
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A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
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Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, you've got it again!
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Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener! Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright. Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!
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Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night? Nurse: No change yet.
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Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
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A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident. Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
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Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?
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Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO." St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admi tted to heaven ... for five days!" Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?" Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went. The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drinked its contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time."
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Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.
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What's the difference between a nurse and a nun? A nun only serves one God.
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A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."
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A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead. "Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor. "Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!" At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead. "Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?" "Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse. Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?" "OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
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The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
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Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures? Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.
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Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!
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How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just have a nursing assistant do it. As much as the doctor orders.
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How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.
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How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
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"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." "And did he?" "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
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An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"
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A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."
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Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
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A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"
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What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
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What is a double-blind study? Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.
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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist." Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?" Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."
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How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
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"Why are you so excited?", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized. "But doc, this is my first operation." "Really? It's mine too, and I am not excited at all."
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"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. "I'm a nurse." "I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear. "That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."
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A man who was very upset walked in to see his doctor. "Doctor, you've got to help me!" he wailed. "What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor. "I keep having the same dream, night after night. There's this door with a sign on it, and I push and push the door but I can't get it open." "What does the sign say?" asked the Doctor. "Pull," said the patient.
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Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of bats, creepy-crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis. Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?
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There were ten zebras in the zoo. All but nine escaped. How many were left? Nine!
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Nurse: Would you like an appointment for next week? Patient: No, I'm sick now.
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Jack went to see the camp nurse. 'I fell last night,' he said. 'And I was unconscious for eight hours.' The nurse was shocked. 'How awful. What happened?' 'I fell asleep!'
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Camp Doctor: Your cough sounds better today! Camper: It should, I practised all night!
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A coffin was being moved when it fell off a wagon, and started down the hill. One of the morticians started chasing it. As it rolled past the hospital, the mortician yelled to one of the nurse practitioners walking by, "Doc, quick, give me something to stop this coffin."
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The ninety-year-old man was in for his checkup when the nurse practitioner learned he was about to marry an eighteen year old girl. "Now, Mr. Jenkins," the nurse practitioner warned, "you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt." The old man shrugged, "If she dies, she dies."
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1) Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator? Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.
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How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility? She's the one with dirty knees.
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How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb? None - They just have a nursing assistant do it.
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Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God When did this start ? Well first I created the sun, then the earth
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Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you !
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Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking ? Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !
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Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ? I never make rash promises !
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Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps !
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Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar ! Have you taken anything for it ?
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Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around. Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around !doc
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Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in What about a matchbox !
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Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth. So why did you come around then ? Well, I saw this light at the window...!
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Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear, that's a lot of calories !
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit Will you get out of my hair !
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Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar Don't worry you'll soon change !
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Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then !
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Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work? A: In case they have to draw blood.
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What kind of physician works on a cruise liner? A dry doc.
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What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday? Saturday Night Fever.
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Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies.
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The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
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Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle of aspirin and a pot of glue? Why? Because I've been at my computer all day and I've got a splitting headache!
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Doctor, Doctor, my little brother thinks he's a computer. Well bring him in so I can cure him. I can't, I need to use him to finish my homework.
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A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, "How is she?" The nurse replied, "Oh, she's quite dopey." One of the friends said, "We know that, but how is she healthwise?"
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When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first aid." The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
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The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure? Doctor: Yes, that is true. P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure? D: Yes, that is also true. P: So, in average, I live normally.
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Jack: "My brother was sick and went to the doctor." John: "Is he feeling better now?" Jack: "No, he has a broken arm." John: "How did he break it?" Jack: "Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window." John: "How did he break his arm?" Jack: "He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription."
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Doctor: "Good news you passed your hearing test!" Patient: "HUH"
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"Doctor, doctor!" said the panic-stricken woman, "my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?" "Quite simple," said the doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband's mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite haul it out." "Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod's head." "What do you want a cod's head for?" "Oh- I forgot to tell you. I've got to get the cat out first!"
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