Humor and jokes - DEAD_AND_DYING

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'." Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."
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A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."
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A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."
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Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room. Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver." Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after."
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What's the difference between a very old, shaggy Yeti and a dead bee? One's a seedy beast and the other's a deceased bee.
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What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells? A dead centipede.
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What is the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes and the other decomposes.
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What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and flies? A dead cat.
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What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years? Pete.
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What's a zombie's favorite pop song? Dead sails in the sunset.
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What do you find in a zombie's veins? Dead blood corpuscles.
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Where do ghosts go for their holidays? The Dead Sea.
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First ghoul: You don't look too well today. Second ghoul: No, I'm dead on my feet.
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Did you hear about the man who left his job at the mortuary? It was a dead end job.
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Did you hear about the two men who were cremated at the same time? It was a dead heat.
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If a man was born in England, raised in America and died in Spain, what does that make him? Dead.
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Doctor, doctor, I feel dead from the waist down. I'll arrange for you to be halfburied.
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Waiter, waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup. Oh no! Who's going to look after his family?
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Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car? Because he was a car-case.
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Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk, and I swatted one, how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!
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Did you hear about the do-it-yourself funeral? They just loosen the earth and you sink down by yourself.
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Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place and was sacked for the grave mistake?
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Why do you want to be buried at sea? Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.
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I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.
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A monster and a zombie went into the undertaker's. "I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died," said the monster. "Certainly, sir," said the undertaker, "but there was really no need to bring him with you."
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Did you hear someone has invented a coffin that just covers the head? It's for people like you who're dead from the neck up!
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The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?" "Course not," replied the Sheriff. "We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you."
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A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"
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At the inquest into her husband's death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband's last words. "Yes," she replied. "He said 'I don't know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin..."
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A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room kissing a mate. "Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!!" His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"
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"Why are you crying Fred?" asked the teacher. " 'Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk. . ." "Fred," said the teacher. "You must have known that Wisk's bad for parrots." "Oh it wasn't the Wisk that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier."
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Doctor, doctor, I'm at death's door! Don't worry, Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you through.
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What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits.
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How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye
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My brother's a professional boxer. Heavyweight ? No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death !
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A monster and a zombie went into a funeral home. 'I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died,' said the monster. 'Certainly ma'am,' said the undertaker, 'but there was really no need to bring her with you.'
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If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is she? Dead.
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Vampire 1: "I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died." Vampire 2: "How awful!" Vampire 1: "Yes. Fortunately, I found some in the neck of time."
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I've been e-mailing William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare's dead, silly. No wonder he hasn't replied.
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What is the last thing you eat before you die? You bite the dust.
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What did the little kid do with the dead battery? He buried it.
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What is posthumous work ? Something written by someone after they are dead !
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Why did the cowboy die with his boots on ? Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket !
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When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave ? Rust in peace !
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Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon ? Because he was dead !
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What are you doing? I'm trying to call Washington! Oh, haven't you heard? He's dead!
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Waiter, there's a fly in my soup ! Yes, it's the rotting meat that attracts them !
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Q: What is the definition of Death? A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly.
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Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"
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There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They put his left leg in.... Well, you know the rest.
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A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: "No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"
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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
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A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf." The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all." The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. They never bring 'em back!"
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Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea? Pupil: Dead ?, I didn't even know he was sick !
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A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country. "There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!" "Oh, my God!" says his friend. "Surely he must have died!" "Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!"
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An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!
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This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. "Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, "Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons... Funeral arrangements haven't yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea."
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Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card. "Message?" she sputtered. "Well, I guess, 'You will be missed."' Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her exact words: "I guess you will be missed."
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Question: What did the dead raccoon say in his will? Answer: "Leave it to Beaver."
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A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, "Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to throw the switch in a minute." The man said, "Do me a favor and throw it out the window!"
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Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.
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