Humor and jokes - COLLEGE

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?" "Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
Single Page

Teenage Driver: But, officer, I'm a college man. Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.
Single Page

Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars? So they can park in handicapped spaces.
Single Page

How do you know a Brigham Young student's been mowing the lawn? The welcome mat is destroyed.
Single Page

What does the N on the Nebraska football helmet stand for? "Nowledge."
Single Page

Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night? He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.
Single Page

Why don't Purdue athletes eat pickles? They can't get their heads in the jar.
Single Page

What do you get when you cross a Texas Aggie with an ape? A retarded ape.
Single Page

Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Professor Yes, but I thought it was mine!
Single Page

Did you hear about the Louisiana Tech professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours, wondering where he'd seen himself before?
Single Page

"Professor, I hear your wife has had twins. Boys or girls?" "Well, I believe one is a girl and one is a boy but it may be the other way around."
Single Page

Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon? Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.
Single Page

Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?
Single Page

And then there was the UCLA professor who opened up his vest, pulled out his tie and wet his pants.
Single Page

How do you measure a Villanova graduate's I.Q.? With a tire gauge.
Single Page

Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out?
Single Page

How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Seventeen. One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&M's.
Single Page

What do you call ten Utah State law students standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Single Page

How do you get a Texas Tech senior's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in his ears.
Single Page

Why did the Oregon State psychology major climb up the chain link fence? To see what was on the other side.
Single Page

What is a Furman freshman doing when he grasps at thin air? Collecting his thoughts.
Single Page

"Did you hear? Lament's gettin' a Ph.D." "What does Ph.D. stand for?" "in his case, Pin-headed Dope."
Single Page

Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal? He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.
Single Page

How many Buckeye football players does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But he gets three hours credit.
Single Page

Jeb and Eudell, University of Michigan athletes, were driving from Ann Arbor to Cleveland. Just outside the city limits they saw a sign: "CLEAN REST ROOMS." By the time they got to Cleveland, they'd cleaned 147 Johns.
Single Page

Two Kentucky psychology majors were walking through the campus. "Do you consider a 1441.Q. high?" "Yes!" "For the whole basketball team?"
Single Page

How can you tell a Minnesota hockey fan? Ask him what color the blue line is and wait. It may take him ten minutes to answer.
Single Page

What do they call a bunch of Mississippi football players standing in a circle holding hands? A dope ring.
Single Page

How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning? By opening the car door.
Single Page

Did you hear about the University of Miami fullback who stayed up all night studying for his urine test?
Single Page

There was the Florida State defensive tackle who thought Hertz Van Rentals was a famous Dutch painter.
Single Page

How can you tell if a California State coed is a good cook? She can get the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.
Single Page

Professor: A wise man doubts everything. Only a pin-head is positive. Student: Are you sure of that, sir? Professor: Positive.
Single Page

Three students from Michigan State, the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked, "Do you have any final words, son?" "Yeah, drop dead!" snapped the Wolverine. Hearing this, the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out. The executioner pulled the lever, and as the crowd gaped in astonishment, the giant blade came to a screeching halt three inches from the victim's throat. "It's God's will! Let him go!" cried the judge. Next the fella from U. of Kentucky was put on the block, and the judge asked again, "And what are your final remarks, my boy?" "Go to hell!" shouted the student, and the judge signaled. The razor-sharp blade fell and miraculously stopped just a quarter inch from the condemned boy's neck. "It's the wi ll of God!" exclaimed the judge. "Set him free!" Finally the Texan was put into position. "Before you're beheaded," said the judge, "do you have any last words?" "Yeh!" replied the Aggie. "If y'all will just put a little more grease on them grooves, the blade'll come down a whole lot easier!"
Single Page

Tipton and Baldwin shared a room on the North Carolina campus. One day Tipton came in and said to his roommate, "I hear there's a new case of herpes in the dorm." "Great!" said Baldwin. "I was getting tired of 7-Up!"
Single Page

Higginbote and Goldstein, Fordham freshmen, were discussing what kind of work would supply mem with big bucks after graduation. "Well, I've always thought I'd like to be a doctor," said Higginbote. "Specialize in something or other. Like obstetrics, maybe." "Obstetrics?" scoffed Goldstein. "At the rate science is going, you'd no sooner learn all about it when bingo! somebody'd find a cure for it."
Single Page

What is the second stupidest thing in the world? An Arkansas architectural student out in the middle of the ocean trying to build a foundation for a house. What is the stupidest thing in the world? An Arkansas contractor trying to build a house on the foundation.
Single Page

"Where are my shoes?" asked the Iowa State professor as the class ended. "They're on your feet," said one of the students. "So they are," said the professor. "It's a good thing you saw them, or I would have gone home without them!"
Single Page

Professor: I forgot to take my umbrella this morning. Wife: When did you first miss it, dear? Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.
Single Page

Arvil was coming out of the Texas University student building when he was stopped by two coeds. "Would you like to become a Jehovah's Witness?" asked one of the girls. "No, I really couldn't. I didn't see the accident."
Single Page

A survey was being taken on the University of Arizona campus. The survey taker asked a soccer player, "What do you think of bilingualism?" "Oh, I think it's okay," said the boy, "if it's between consenting adults."
Single Page

Biddle and Payne, two elderly English professors, were having lunch in the cafeteria. During the course of the conversation, Biddle said, "A student gave me a peculiar answer in class today. I asked who wrote the Merchant of Venice and a sophomore said, "Please, sir, it wasn't me!" "Ha, ha!" laughed Payne. "And I suppose the little snot had done it all along!"
Single Page

Mrs. McKenzie was showing Corbett, the contractor, through the second floor of her new house to show him what colors to paint the rooms. "I'd like the bathroom done in white!" Corbett walked over to the window and shouted, "Green up! Green up!" "I want the bedroom in blue!" continued the woman. The contractor listened and yelled out the window, "Green up! Green up!" "The halls should be done in beige!" she instructed. Again, the man barked out the window, "Green up! Green up!" "Will you stop that?!" shouted the woman. "Every time I give you a color, all you do is shout 'Green up!' What the devil does that mean?" 'Tm real sorry, ma'am!" explained Corbett. "But I got three Oklahoma basketball players down there tryin' to put in the front lawn!"
Single Page

A Mississippi professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded. "Professors haven't got bad memories," he declared. "They're not absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now, and don't you think tomorrow I'll know where I was last night? Would somebody like to ask me another question?" "Yes," said another guest. "Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memories?" "Good!" said the professor. "I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question."
Single Page

Soderling, the star college halfback, was taking a math exam. The coach desperately needed him to play in the Syracuse game on Saturday, so the professor agreed to give him an oral exam. "All right," said the prof. "How many degrees are there in a circle?" "Uh, depends," said the boy. "How big is that there circle?"
Single Page

Tad answered the Tennessee State frat house phone. "Hi," said the voice, "this is Rollie. Come on over, we're having a real wildass party." "Shit, Ah'd shore love to," said Tad, "but Ah got me a bad case of gonorrhea." "Bring it along!" answered Rollie. "The way thangs is goin', mah buddies'll drink anythin'!"
Single Page

All the fraternity brothers left the house for a long weekend except for Grady, who decided to stay behind and get some studying done. One night Grady heard a noise under his bed. Fearing it might be a burglar, he leaned over and whispered, "Anybody there?" "No," said the burglar. "That's funny," the boy said to himself. "I could have sworn I heard a noise!"
Single Page

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Single Page

On what kind of ships do students study? Scholarships.
Single Page

What's the difference between an American student and an English student ? About 3000 miles !
Single Page

What do you get if you cross a student and an alien ? Something from another universe -ity !
Single Page

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
Single Page

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze." Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
Single Page

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bud's trailer house, Bud asked, "What is the usual tip?" "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Bud. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." "What are you studying?" asked Bud. The lad smiled and said, "Applied psychology."
Single Page

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. His mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, okay," responded the kid. So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, her husband asked, "Well how much did you give the boy his time?" She said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him." "That's $1020!" yelled her husband. Are you crazy?" "Don't worry, Hon," she said. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"
Single Page

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years. But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon). Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye. "Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly, you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!" And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years. Today, I unwrapped my diploma, fr amed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: "In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"
Single Page

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God." One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates: "Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor' s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!" You can't argue with that!
Single Page

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment." He goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know ... mat h always was a little hard to swallow."
Single Page

Optimist: A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.
Single Page

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss. After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer." The student received an "A" on the exam. A Boston brokerage house advertised for a "young Harvard graduate or the equivalent." Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad. He said, "Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?"
Single Page

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "No where. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
Single Page

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Single Page

Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.
Single Page

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"
Single Page

Q: What do college students and deer have in common? A: They both stand in the middle of the road and stare at your headlights.
Single Page

A college friend was going to meet a young lady he new. "An old flame? I asked. He winked and said, "More like an unlit match."
Single Page

"Now my motto in life," said the school chaplain, "is work hard, play hard and pray hard. How about you, Harriet?" "My motto is let bygones be bygones." "That's good. Why did you choose that?" "Then I wouldn't have to take any history classes!"
Single Page

College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them and sometimes with good reason. "What kind of pie do you call this?" asked one student indignantly. "What's it taste like?" asked the cook." "Glue!" "Then it's apple pie the plum pie tastes like soap."
Single Page

A son is calling his mom from college, and telling her that he had just got his degree. The mother says: That's great honey! What kind of degree? And the son, almost squealing with excitement says: The best one ever, a Celsius degree!
Single Page