Humor and jokes - BED

Who stole the sheets from the bed? Bed buglars.
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What should you do if you find a snake in your bed? Sleep in the wardrobe.
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What do you call a python with a great bedside manner? A snake charmer.
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What should you do if you find a witch in your bed? Run!
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Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed? Son: I couldn't find a spider.
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Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping. Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed. Oh, I'm all right at night, it's in the day I have problems.
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Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming there are great, gooey, bug-eyed monsters playing tiddley winks under my bed. What shall I do? Hide the tiddley winks.
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Witch: Doctor, doctor, I don't feel well. Doctor: Don't worry, you'll just have to go to bed for a spell.
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The hotel we stayed in for our holiday offered bed and board, but it was impossible to say which was the bed and which was the board.
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A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. "What's wrong?" asked his mother. "Do people really come from dust, like they said in church?" he sobbed. "In a way they do," said his mother. "And when they die so they turn back to dust?" "Yes, they do." The little boy began to cry again. "Well, under my bed there's someone either coming or going."
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Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. "I've just bought a pig," said the first. "But where will you keep it?" said the second. "Your yard's much too small for a pig!" "I'm going to keep it under my bed," replied his friend. "But what about the smell?" "He'll soon get used to that."
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When Mr Maxwell's wife left him, he couldn't sleep. Why was that? She had taken the bed.
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Why did the composer spend all his time in bed? He wrote sheet music.
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I don't think my Mom knows much about children. Why do you say that? Because she always puts me to bed when I'm wide awake, and gets me up when I'm sleepy!
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I was once in a play called Breakfast In Bed. Did you have a big role? No, just toast and marmalade.
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Did you hear about the granny who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster by mistake? She spent the night popping out of bed.
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What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on? Cot-on-wool.
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You can't have any more chocolates tonight. It's not good for you to go to bed on a full stomach. Oh, Mum. I promise I'll lay on my side.
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I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress? Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.
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Three boys were sharing the same bed on holiday, but it was so crowded that one of them decided to sleep on the floor. After a while, one of his friends told him he might as well get in to bed again. There's lots of room now,' he said.
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How can you shorten a bed? Don't sleep long in it.
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I'd love you to stay the night, but I'm afraid you'll have to make your own bed. Oh, that's all right, I don't mind at all. Right. Here's a hammer, a saw, and some nails. The wood's in the garage. I have four legs, but only one foot. What am I? A bed
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A neighbour bumped into Jenny playing outside her house after dark. 'Hello, Jenny,' said the neighbour. 'Isn't it time for little girls to be in bed?' 'How would I know?' asked Jenny. 'I haven't got any little girls.'
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Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace? Because she wanted to sleep like a log.
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Why do people go to bed? Because the bed won't come to them.
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Shall I tell you the joke about the bed? No, because it hasn't been made up yet.
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Why did the bed spread? Because it saw the pillow slip.
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Mother: Did you make your bed today? Daughter: Yes, Mom, but I think it would be easier to buy one.
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Why does your brother wear a life jacket in bed? Because he sleeps on a waterbed !
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Why did your sister keep running around her bed ? Because she was trying to catch up with her sleep.
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Why did the girl take a ruler to bed? She wanted to see how long she slept.
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What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on ? A horse !
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Counselor: How many times did I tell you to make your bed? Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!
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Sonny: I can't sleep. What should I do? Counselor: Lie near the edge of the bed. That way you'll be sure to drop off!
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Why are rivers lazy? Because they never get off their beds.
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Why do you go to bed? Because the bed will not come to you.
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Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed? Because he is lying.
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How can you shorten a bed? Don't sleep long in it.
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When does a bed grow longer? At night, because two feet are added to it.
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When is your mind like a rumpled bed? When it isn't made up yet.
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Why did the kid punch the bed? His mother told him to hit the hay.
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Why did the boy take the ruler to bed? He wanted to see how long he slept.
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed ? To draw the curtains !
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I woke up, went for a walk, my head fell off and rolled away. I picked it up and put it on. A child walked up to me and said: "Good grief, where are your feet?" I must have left them in bed !
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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bed ! Bed who ? Bed you can't guess who I am!
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What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed? Sleep on the sofa.
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How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed ? When your nose touches the ceiling !
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What do tigers wear in bed ? Stripey pyjamas !
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