Humor and jokes - BEAUTY

My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion. Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.
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I'm not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased! But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.
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Fred: What's that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders? Harry: Help! What is it? Fred: Your head!
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She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.
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First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity? Second girl: No, it's imagination.
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Who won the Monster Beauty Contest? No one.
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First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor yesterday. I was there for three hours. Second Witch: Oh, what did you have done? First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an estimate.
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Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week. Mrs Baggy: Tried to? Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her face!
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They say Margaret is a raving beauty. You mean she's escaped from the funny farm?
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First witch: My beauty is timeless. Second witch: Yes, it could stop a clock.
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A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star. "Nothing," replied the assistant. "Nothing?" she asked, "but how can I look like a film star?" "Haven't you seen a film called The Creature from the Black Lagoon?" replied the assistant.
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A monster went to the doctor with a branch growing out of his head. "Hmmm," said the doctor. "I've no idea what it is." The next week the branch was covered in leaves and blossom. "I'm stumped," said the doctor, "but you can try taking these pills." When the monster came back a month later the branch had grown into a tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small pond, surrounded by trees and bushes, all of them on top of his head. "Ah!" said the doctor, "I know what it is. You've got a beauty spot."
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I've just come back from the beauty parlour. Pity it was closed!
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Where is everyone beautiful? In the dark.
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Fred keeps telling me that he's going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world. Oh, what a shame! And you've been engaged for such a long time!
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People keep telling me I'm beautiful. What vivid imaginations some people have.
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Don't look out of the window, Betty, people will think it's Halloween.
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What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter? The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.
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Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness? She finished it in two.
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What is yellow and goes click-click? A ball-point banana. Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older? Wizard: With luck, yes. Witch:
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A little boy came running into the kitchen. 'Dad, dad' he said, 'there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face' 'Tell him you've already got one,' said his father !
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"My boyfriend says I look like a dishy Italian!"said Miss Conceited. ''Then he's right said her little brother.''Sophia Loren?'' "No-spaghetti!''
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A woman went to a sweet store to buy some sweets. The boy behind the counter said "Gosh, your ugly aren't you?, I've never seen anyone so hideous as you before" "Young man" she replied. " I didn't come here to be insulted" "Really", he said, "Where do you usually go ?"
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Little Johnny and his mother were on a train. Johnny leant over and started to whisper in his mother's ear. 'Johnny, how many times have I told you,' said his mother, ' it's rude to whisper. If you have something to say, say it out loud.' 'OK, said Johnny, 'why does the lady over there look like an ugly, haggard old witch ?'
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Girlfriend: Will you love me when I'm old and fat and ugly? Boyfriend: Of course I do !
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Mary: Do you think my sister's pretty ? Gary: Well, let's just say if you pulled her pigtail she'd probably say 'oink, oink '!
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Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn't pretty and wasn't ugly ? She was pretty ugly
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She's the kind of girl that boys look at twice - they can't believe it the first time.
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Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back. Will: Pity it's not on her head.
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Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. 'I thought it was love at first sight,' said Julie. 'It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.
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Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance ? Man: It did for a while - then it fell off.
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Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom. One said, 'I took my girlfriend to see 'The bride of Dracula' last night.' 'Oh yeah,' said the other, ' what was she like ?' 'Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had big red staring eyes and fangs.' The other said, 'Yes, but what was 'The Bride of Dracula' like ?'
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I can't understand why people say my girlfriend's legs look like matchsticks. They do look like sticks - but they certainly don't match.
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What did the really ugly man do for a living ? He posed for Halloween masks !
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I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice. You don't want justice - you want mercy !
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Your ugly. And you're drunk. Yes, but in the morning I'll be sober !
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My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful Well they do say that love is blind !
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Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world What was I wearing ?
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Monster: I'm so ugly. Ghost: It's not that bad! Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out cigars. When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes. When I was born they simply passed out.
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