Humor and jokes - BABY

What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
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Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world? She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.
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What was the policeman's baby's first words ? Hallo, Hallo, Hallo !
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Knock knock. Who's there? Baby Owl. Baby Owl who? Baby Owl see you later, baby not.
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How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake? It has a rattle.
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What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake? Stop crying and viper your nose.
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What do baby pythons play with? Rattle-snakes.
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What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball? A bouncing baby boa.
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What is a baby bee? A little humbug.
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Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).
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How did the witch almost lose her baby? She didn't take it far enough into the woods.
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What are baby witches called? Halloweenies.
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Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food? He wanted something to get his teeth into.
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Knock knock. Who's there? Underwear. Underwear who? Underwear my baby is tonight?
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My new baby is the image of his father. Never mind. just so long as he's healthy.
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Fred: My mum's having a new baby. Drew: What's wrong with the old one?
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Cry Baby - by Liza Weeping
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What is a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
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Why did you drop the baby? Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.
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It can't go on! It can't go on! What can't go on? This baby's vest ? it's too small for me.
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Did you hear about Mrs Dimwit's new baby? She thought babies should be pink, so she took this one to the doctor because it was a horrible yeller.
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Mum, are the Smiths very poor people? I don't think so, Jimmy. Why do you ask? Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin
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Daddy, daddy, can I have another glass of water, please? But that's the tenth one I've given you tonight! Yes, but the baby's bedroom is still on fire.
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Doctor, doctor, my baby's swallowed a watch! Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.
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A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. "Well, Skip," said the scout, "Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it."
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Why are babies always gurgling with joy? Because it's a nappy time.
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Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door? Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy. Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off. "
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I see the baby's nose is running again," said a worried father. "For goodness sake!" snapped his wife. "Can't you think of anything other than horse racing?"
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A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker. "What do you think you're doing?" she demanded. "I'm just entertaining the baby," explained Tommy. "Where is the baby?" asked his Mum. "Under the bath."
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How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rock-et.
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Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister? I'd much rather have a jelly baby.
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Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's baby? Mrs Bigger's baby, because he's a little Bigger.
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Do you like your new baby sister? She's all right. Do you play with her? No, and we can't even send her back because she's been here more than 28 days.
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Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it? The elephant's!
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How do you get a paper baby? Marry an old bag.
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What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn? Where's Pop Corn?
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Why is a baby like an diamond? Because it's a dear little thing.
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When a baby is learning to eat, shouldn't he have an L-plate?
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Why did the baby monster put his father in the freezer? Because he wanted frozen pop.
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Mum, is it true my baby sister came from Heaven? Yes, that's right. Well, I don't blame God for chucking her out.
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Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins" "That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets" The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!
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What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet? Egyptian dummies.
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Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib? Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
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Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
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Dewey and Odell met on the Brownsville main street. "Say," said Dewey, "Ah hurd yew and yore wife is goin' ta night school ta take Spanish lessons. How cum?" "Uh huh," answered Odell. "We went and adopted us a little Mexican baby, and we wanna be able ta understand him when he gets old enough ta talk!"
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A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f****** freezing!"
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Q: Where does a white baby go when it dies? A: Heaven Q: What does it get? A: Wings Q: What does it become? A: An angel Q: Where does a black baby go when it dies? A: Heaven Q: What does it get? A: Wings Q: What does it become? A: A Bat!
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Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper? A: Michael Jackson's hand !!
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Q: What's pink and red and can't turn round in a corridor? A: A baby with a javellin through its head.
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A family of ducks were walking down the road when an 18-wheeler ran over all but 1 baby. Farther down the road a family of skunks were walking the other way when the same 18-wheeler ran over all but one baby. The duck and the skunk finally met each other and the duck said, "Excuse me, my mom died down the road. Would you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the skunk "You have webbed feet, a beak, and feathers. You must be a duck." "Thanks" said the duck; then the skunk said, "My mom died down the road too, will you tell me what I am?" "Well", said the duck, "Your black, your white, & your mom's dead, you must be O.J.'s kid"
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Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny. At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?" The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!
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Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue? Because they can't dress themselves.
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I got a letter from my sister. She just had a baby. But she didn't say whether it's a boy or girl. So I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.
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Why does a mother carry her baby? The baby can't carry the mother.
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How does a baby ghost cry? "Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!"
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What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby ? A cry for Alp !
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What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers ? Infantry !
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Knock Knock Who's there ! Baby ! Baby who ? Baby love, my baby love.... !
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